


Supernatural Season 11 meta

by karoffelbrei89



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Archived From Tumblr, Meta, Meta Essay, Nonfiction, Supernatural meta, cross-posted from tumblr, spn meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 09:43:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 52,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17020341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karoffelbrei89/pseuds/karoffelbrei89
Summary: Collection of my metas I wrote for season 11 of Supernatural. I wrote those at the time the season aired, so some speculations might be completely wrong. Posting here as an archive because tumblr is no longer safe.





	1. Thoughts about Spn 11x01

**Thoughts about Spn 11x01**

I might make this a regular thing during the season, who knows. 

SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE!

So I managed to stay absent from tumblr all day, watching 11x01 totally spoiler-free. I haven’t read anything yet so far, so sorry in advance if I’m writing something you have read somewhere else already.

First of all, what a great episode. Also, I think [Jenny](http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/) is a witch because an awful lot of her speculations have been right.

So where to start? Loved that they used CCR’s “Run through the jungle”, it is one of my favourite song of theirs, and I think qute fitting for the new season.

> **Whoa thought it was a nightmare  
>  Lord it was so true  
>   
> They told me don’t go walking slow   
> The devil’s on the loose  
>   
> Better run through the jungle  
> […]  
>   
> Two hundred million guns are loaded  
> Satan cries “take aim”  
> […]**
> 
> **Fill the land with smoke**

That would be the first reference to Lucifer, and it won’t be the last. I will work my way through the episode characterwise, and probably still forget some things.

 **Crowley:** Of course he didn’t die, though it seems he grew quite fond of his old vessel (though female crowley would have been great as well). It seemed he had lost some of his powers or otherwise he would’t have to call for help the old way. It is either because Cas attack weakened him or a side-effect of the darkness. And then of course he took part in the orgie, why wouldn’t he? It once more proves he is actually gender-fluid and pansexual, in my opinion. And then of course we learn that either Lucifer or Micheal tries to communicate… trying to warn them O.O

 **Cas:** My poor little muffin. Turning to his sisters and brothers for help and this is what he gets? Sure they pissed after he let Metatron escape, but still. I wonder if those angels acted on someones order or did it on their own. I mean angel radio is upen to everyone, so where the hell is Hannah? Of course the call with Dean (and Sam) was typical for Cas, telling them he is fine, being more concerned about Dean than anything else. Dean on other hand was more concerned about Cas. Idjits, both of them. So I guess what we saw from the promo means the angels are toturing Cas for information instead of helping him? I really don’t like this, Dean to the rescue.

 **Sam:** I’m still a bit conflicted about Sam, because after he learned about the consequences he didn’t stop Cas and Rowena from performing the spell. Sure they split the guilt and this isn’t a game about who is more responsible, but yeah. The important thing is that Sam realized that it is about time they (Sam & Dean) change, because the consequences of their actions are terrible. And he lays the focus on saving people again, more so saving all people. The most intersting aspect is that of course the people affected by the darkness didn’t attack him, or stopped before they could kill him. Maybe because he was already infected? But I think it is more than that. There was something about Sam that made them stop. Maybe it was his connection with Dean and because of the newfound bond between the darkness and Dean she spared Sam? Though I like to think it had maybe something to do with his vessel status, especially sine he is Lucifers vessel, the one who was corrupted by the darkness as well. So even though Sam was infected I don’t think it will turn him or kill him.

 **Dean:** It is intersting that we see the brothers approuch the new situation so different, that Dean wants - to use Sam’s words - kill first, ask questions later, insteand of trying to find a way to save all of them instead of just the baby. Dean usually acts like that (with a merciless black-and-white-moral) when things are really screwed up and he is going through a personal crisis. Giving everything he did at the end of season 10 I think he is. It is not just that he blames himself for releasing the darkness (and throughout their bond maybe even more than Sam) but everything that he did before under the influence of the mark. And just as he thought of himself to be past saving (and I think it is no coincidence those were the first words in the recap) he thinks those men who have been influenced by the darkness can’t be saved as well. So he swears to protect the only innocent people left: the sheriff and the baby.

 **The darkness/Amara:** So I guess we have another femme fatale? I just hope there is more to the darkness than being evil and the great showdown isn’t the good guys killing the female evil. The most fascinating part to me was her conversation with Dean. It started with Dean saying she saved him. Because I don’t think Dean needed to be saved; if he had stayed in the car as Sam did he would have been well. So why use the word “saving”? Is that how it felt to him? And does it maybe refer to more than just pulling him out of the car? She then thanked him for releasing her, promising him to help him as well, and tells him they are bounded, they always will be. There is a reference to season 7 and the leviathans, not just because of the black blood but Cas and the leviathans were connected as well. Still this seems way more intimitate (the last scene looked like they were about to kiss), so I think Dean will take it more personal than usual to stop her. Also she didn’t knew who death was. This means death must be younger than God then? Or does it have to do with the fact that death is dead now? People can still die, we saw that. So far it seems that the baby, Amara, is her new vessel. And Dean unknowingly already protected her. But why would she choose a baby as a vessel? Because this soul was still new? (and from the promo for 11x02 it seems the baby is qute powerful)

I hope there will be a transcript of the episode soon, so I can write something more in depth. They used the word “saving” quite a lot, and I think it is worth to take a look at that.

The only thing I didn’t like was the new title card though, there had been better.

So what are your thoughts on 11x01?


	2. „She saved me.“  - A closer look on 11x01 or why this is a rescue mission, not a war

**„She saved me.“ - A closer look on 11x01 or why this is a rescue mission, not a war**

Obviously full of SPOILERS for 11x01, if you haven’t watched already do it now, it’s a great episode. (Transcript can be found [here](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Ftranscripts.foreverdreaming.org%2Fviewtopic.php%3Ff%3D105%26t%3D22909&t=MjkxZGYzMTAyN2I5YzI2NTM1ZGNlOWNkZTA2Y2QwZTliOTgwYTQxMSxVQmlJenFlag%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F130839417192%2Fshe-saved-me-a-closer-look-on-11x01-or-why&m=1))

Upon watching 11x01 I noticed how many times the word “saving” was used. It is one of the catchphrases of the show - “saving people, hunting things” – but lately it has been more about the latter than the first. A great deal of season 10 was about saving someone, namely Dean, though the consequences of saving him makes us wonder how right this decision was. We start the episode with a recap of season 10 and the very first sentence we hear is this:

> _Dean: Truth is I’m past saving._

Within the context of the episode (10x07) it was left open whether Dean meant what he said or not; he told Sam he only said because it was what Cole needed to hear. But within the context of the whole season and especially after his actions in 10x22 and 10x23 we know now he meant every word. Dean believed he couldn’t be saved, more so that he didn’t deserved to be saved, a state of mind he carried around far longer than the past season (4x01). In contrast to that we see Sam in the recap:

> _Sam: I’m saving my brother._

Given everything that happened after curing Dean from the MoC the question is if he really did. Sure Dean is free of the mark, but at what prize? Sam told himself the story he needed to hear – just as Dean did with Cole – that he is the good brother, that this time he is the one saving Dean after all the times Dean saved him. It justified all the collateral damage, including the death of innocents (Suzie in 10x19) and Charlie (10x21) and ultimately releasing the darkness upon the world. And this is where it gets really interesting, because the first thing Dean says about the darkness?

> _Dean: She saved me._
> 
> _Sam: What? Who?_
> 
> _Dean: The Darkness._

That is a very fascinating choice of words. Not once Dean uses this word in regard to Sam, instead they argue who is more to blame for the current situation. But here he is, saying the darkness saved him, when instead she didn’t actually. If Dean would have stayed in the car just as Sam did nothing would have happened to him. Everyone who died after the darkness hit town was either exposed to the smoke and therefore infected or was killed by someone who was infected. So far Dean seems to be the only one who was surrounded by the smoke and not infected. So what does Dean mean when he says the darkness saved him? Is he referring to a feeling he got, just as he claimed she had a certain energy? Or does he refer to the time he still had the mark, that in a twisted way she had liberated him? “Saving” is a strong word, and one that is always associated as something positive. Dean choosing this word before everything else to describe the darkness is quite significant; it might be the first hint that the darkness isn’t that evil after all.

It is some scenes later that Sam uses another word to describe Dean’s strange encounter with the darkness.

> _Sam: […] you said she protected you._

And if we look right at Dean’s conversation with darkness we get this:

> _Amara: […] You helped me. I helped you. No matter where I am, who I am… We will always help each other._

“Saving”, “protecting”, “helping” – not what you would expect from a force so evil and powerful it needed God and the archangels to lock her away. The question is if the darkness only formed a bond with Dean or with everyone; what if her purpose, her plan is to save everyone, to protect and help them as well? Given how the smoke affected the people it doesn’t seem like that, though it is not clear if the smoke was a part of the darkness or a different entity that was released with her. I’ve read several metas about the episode speculating if the ultimate goal of the people who had been infected was to protect the baby. The question remains why the darkness would have chosen a baby as her vessel because her abilities in this body are very limited. It does however makes sense if she had searched for a way to assure nobody would harm her; she used the vessel everyone instinctively would protect. And her plan works; upon arriving at the hospital Dean’s number one priority is to save the baby. And he uses exactly those words: saving her. Little does he know that the baby is none other than the darkness herself. And so he saves her just as she saved him. They will always help each other, we already got a proof. And it makes one wonder if Dean saved the baby not just because it is an innocent but maybe also because he felt the same connection towards the baby he felt with the darkness.

We see two other characters and how the word “saving” is used when it comes to them. The first one is Cas. Still suffering under Rowena’s spell, he turns to his (angelic) family for help.

> _Cas: […] Now, I… I ask you to help me. Please. Save me from doing worse._

Cas’s storyline in this episode opposes Dean’s. Cas reaches out to his family, asking them to save him, afraid to hurt anyone else. But instead of getting rescued his brothers turn him in and, given the promo material released so far, start torturing him. Dean on the other hand doesn’t want to be saved, but gets saved twice in a row; first by Sam (his actual family) and then by the darkness (his newfound family if you want, given the nature of their bond). Just as Cas Dean was afraid to hurt anyone else but instead turned to Death, asking him to kill him as an ultimate solution (though in his eyes this might was a rescue mission all the same). The other time we hear to word “save” in association with Cas is during Sam and Dean’s conversation in the hospital, arguing about what to do next. 

> _Sam: Look, I get it. I do. We’re gonna save that baby, okay? And we’re gonna find Cas, and we’re gonna stop the darkness._
> 
> _Dean: Okay, so what are we talking about?_
> 
> _Sam: The plan._
> 
> _Dean: We have a plan, okay? It’s the same plan as it’s always been. In order to get out, we go through._
> 
> _Sam: And? How’s that been working for us?_
> 
> _Dean: We can’t save Cas if we’re stuck in some hospital, okay?_

Whereas Sam talks about finding Cas, Dean uses the word “saving” again, referring to the fact that he knows something is wrong with Cas. There is a difference between “finding” and “saving”, the latter is more urgent. And in a simple way it displays the different relationship each brother has with Cas.

The conversation between the brothers displays the last part where the word “saving” is important. Both argue what to do next – simply speaking Dean lays his emphasis on “hunting things” whereas Sam thinks it is more important to “saving people”. The first hint to this duality is seen in Dean’s conversation with Jenna earlier.

> _Jenna: This job is supposed to be saving people._
> 
> _Dean: Yeah, well… It sounds better on paper, doesn’t it?_

Dean speaks from the cruel lesson his life as hunter taught him: that you can’t save everybody, that sometimes you have to sacrifice a few in order to save the world. In their current situation Dean thinks it is best to kill the people affected by the darkness, in order to save the people in the hospital and to stop them from infecting more people. This continues a theme we have seen in season 10: Dean thinks the people who are infected are past saving, just as he was when he was under the influence of the MoC. And just like Sam back then believed there was a way to cure Dean he believes now there might be a cure to save those people. In saving the people he hopes they can save themselves and find a way to redeem themselves for what they have done, no matter what it takes (and with using himself as bait it means Sam is willing to die to fix things). He reminds his brother that this is what their job was supposed to be about, just as Jenna believed in it (and of course Jenna would believe in it so strongly because unlike the Winchesters she just started her job, without life teaching her different so far). But he makes an important distinction here – that the saving part includes all people, that you can’t save one person if it means others get hurt because of it. Sam was so desperate to save Dean that he forget about saving the world, placing one life over the rest of the world. Now Dean is in the same desperate need to save the baby, willing to kill people who are innocents after all. 

> _Sam: When did we forget how to do this?_
> 
> _Dean: What?_
> 
> _Sam: Dean, if we don’t change – right now – all of our crap is just gonna keep repeating itself._
> 
> _Dean: Hey, I-I don’t even – what?_
> 
> _Sam: This – this “kill first, question later.” What happened to us? Hunting things – we’re good at that. Sure, we’re great at that. But that’s only half of the bumper sticker, man._
> 
> _Dean: Sam, I am trying to save that baby._
> 
>   
>  _Sam: And what about the others out there?_
> 
> _Dean: You mean the ones trying to kill us?_
> 
> _Sam: I mean the ones that are sick, the ones that are dying._
> 
> _Dean: Yeah, who won’t rest until they’ve infected us all._
> 
> _Sam: So we just forget about a cure?_
> 
> _Dean: What cure? Jenna’s cure?_
> 
> _Sam: There is always a cure. You just have to want to find it._
> 
> _Dean: Yeah, how are you gonna find it if you’re dead?_
> 
> _Sam: And around and around we go. Saving people means all of the people, Dean. Not just that baby. Not just each other. I unleashed a force on this world that could destroy it… to save you._
> 
> _Dean: And I told you not to._
> 
> _Sam: And I’d do it again. In a second, I would do it again. And that is what I’m talking about. This isn’t on you. It is on us. We have to change._

And Dean is willing to listen and in the end agrees with Sam’s plan. He realizes the truth in his brother’s words. Saving someone should always be more important than to hunt whatever evil is out there. And there can’t be any elitism in it – every life is valuable and worth saving. It doesn’t make things easier, but it is the only right way to do it. 

Throughout the episode we see the word “saving” used in different contexts. We get a first glimpse at our new big bad – and learn that her first act was to save Dean, implicating that she might be more complex than we thought so far. We see Cas begging his family to save him with him ending in chains. And finally we see the brothers who redefine what it means to be a hunter, what it means to save someone (and the limitations of that) and their relationship. Instead of a war this season might be more likely look like a rescue mission.  


	3. The darkness is a woman?” – 11x01 and gender issues

**The darkness is a woman?” – 11x01 and gender issues**

It is no surprise we hear Cas asking this question – after all he is an angel and therefore in fact genderless. He is also one of the few beings who had heard about the darkness before, though obviously in form of a myth and not a woman. It contrasts the conversation between Sam and Dean at the beginning of the episode, who not for a second questioned why the darkness appeared in form of a woman to Dean. It is another reminder that the human and the angelic/supernatural perspective are different: humans classify the world into genders (not every human, but the majority), whereas angels have no such concept. So what could it mean that the darkness appears to us as a female? Even more so as it seems she prefers female vessels, given she had chosen baby Amara as her next one. Seeing as the darkness is old enough she didn’t even knew Death one could argue she has no concept of gender either. The same applies to God and the archangels. Still within the show those characters are shown with a certain gender: the darkness as female and God and the archangels as male. The triumph of the latter over the first could be seen as the male overpowering the female, or the female representing chaos and the male bringing order to the world. Season 10 focused a lot on narrative and the darkness certainly fitted into this theme: she was gone for so long her story was forgotten. Or if you will erased, just as it happened to countless women who have been erased from history. I do hope the darkness turns out to be more than just evil, that the story who became eventually a myth got it wrong, and she is revealed to be a positive or neutral force. 

It is also interesting to see the darkness in relation to Dean. In 11x01 she established that the two of them share a bond, even more she implies that the two of them are the same.

> _Dean: So, are you saying I shouldn’t try and kill you right now?_
> 
> _Amara: Am I saying that? Or are you?_

If we do see Dean and the darkness as two parts of a whole, her choosing a female vessel could be seen a visual display of their duality. They oppose each other: female and male, supernatural and human, (supposedly) bad and good. However you choose to interpret it, it is interesting to see that the force who lived inside Dean for so long turns out to be female. Once again Dean is therefore coded as female as well, or as Marie once put it: Dean becomes a woman in the second act (with season 9 and 10 as act two within the Carver era). 

The other aspect of 11x01 where gender plays a role would be Crowley and his temporary meatsuit. Demons are, just as angels, genderless: after all they don’t have a body anymore and always need to possess a new one. Still it is different, because unlike angels demons have been human once, and therefore gender seems to be of importance to them. Almost all the demons we saw throughout the seasons stuck to one gender, the one they had as a human (we know Ruby was a woman and Crowley a men in their human life). Sure, one could say Crowley took the first meatsuit that was available, but he didn’t seem to be uncomfortable in it at all. Even more so, given the chance, he explored his sexuality in his new body (pretty sure it was on Crowley’s bucket list to have sex as a woman once). Of course the whole orgy is full of consent issues, and this, such as the murder of three people, reminds us again that this is still the king of hell and he is evil (because we learned in 9x06 that you don’t need to kill someone, or even three people, to make a call to hell). But this is a topic for another meta. Upon arriving his minions ask Crowley what to call him, to which he responds “king”. Which after all means that regardless of his meatsuit, Crowley still identifies as male. Still, so far the three big bads of the season – the darkness, Crowley and Rowena – are all coded as female. And though Supernatural has a long history of female villains (Meg, Ruby, Lilith, Eve, Naomi, Abbadon, Rowena) I hope this time the women are allowed to be more complex, and the male won’t triumph over the female again, but instead we find balance.


	4. Casual queer

**Casual queer**

SPOILERS FOR SUPERNATURAL 11x02 “Form And Void”

I honestly don’t know if such a thing as casual queer exists or I just made it up, but for now it is the term I would use to describe Jenna and her being confirmed queer in the promo for the next episode ([x](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D65NIj7JIbKA&t=ZGRmZWM0NmRjMTUzMTFhMWU1YjgxMjgzMmFkMjZmODk2ZWIzYmNmNywxdVhsaEJPRQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F131177305447%2Fcasual-queer&m=1)). 

So what do I mean with it and why do I think it is a good thing? Basically it is a character whose queerness simply isn’t a huge deal or what their character is about. Jenna is a perfect example. Her sexual orientation is confirmed in a conversation that actually is about something else; she talks to Dean about the place she grew up and the memories it brings with it. Among all the small details we learn about her life her being queer is simply a small aspect. Dean doesn’t react to it at all, he simply goes on, completly unaffected. It doesn’t change anything about her character or her storyline so far, simply because this was never about her being queer in the first place. Her story is that about a young woman who became a sheriff in order to help people, to save them, and then has to learn that you can’t save everyone, that you have to make some hard choices in order to prevent worse. If we take Crowley’s comment in the promo ([x](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DnwxK8Yfgr5Q&t=Mjc5OTI4NDFhZTQ3ODM1MmQxMDFlMDQ4OTdhNDc2MWJiMGJlM2U5OCwxdVhsaEJPRQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F131177305447%2Fcasual-queer&m=1)) for true that Amara feeds on souls, Jenna, who by now replaces her mother, could become one of her first victims. None of this is about her being queer. 

These days we see a lot of those casual queer characters in many different shows: characters that only appear in one episode or two and whose storyline isn’t about their orientation. Needless to say Supernatural isn’t one of those shows. Even more, after 10 seasons the list of canonically confirmed queer characters is rather short:

(there might be more characters, please add them if you can think of more)

\- Lily in 2x21

\- Corbett in 3x13

\- Demian and Barnes in 5x09

\- Boris in 6x05

\- Kristen and Siobhan in 10x05

\- Charlie Bradbury

(in a deleted scene it is confirmed that one of the reaper’s victims in 1x12 was a gay teacher)

From all those characters only Lily applies to the be a casual queer (and Charlie as well, but that’s another case). Corbett’s queerness was a vital element for his storyline. Demian and Bornes were an obvious Wincest reference. Boris was used to unsettle Dean and continue the theme of one of the boys being a victim of sexual assault. Kristen and Siobhan can be seen as Destiel and/or Cockles reference. The teacher in 1x12 was chosen to be killed by Sue-Ann because he was openly gay. Apart from Lily all those character’s queerness were an important part of their story. What about Lily though? She was one of the special children and told the others she accidently killed her girlfriend because her touch caused a fatal heart attack. Would her experience been less horrible if it had been her boyfriend? No. That wasn’t what her story was about. But she was one of countless characters that could have been straight without changing their story but wasn’t. And that I think is good thing and a different kind of representation.

When I was younger casual queer characters didn’t exist on television. Sure, there were queer characters (if not that much) but ultimately that was what their story was about. They had their coming out stories or had to face homophobia and the likes. And don’t get me wrong: those are important parts of queer life. And I certainly won’t pretend homophobia doesn’t exist anymore. But what bothered me was that those characters weren’t allowed to be more. All their storylines centered around being queer, as if this was all they were. But we are more than our sexual orientation or the person we fall in love with. And of course what we watch on television does influence us. I grew up in a small town, very white, very heteronomative. The first time I saw POC or someone queer or transgender? On television. It certainly expanded my view on the world, teaching me there was more than one way to live. So if someone on television casually confirms they’re queer and there is little to no reaction? That’s a good thing. Because that is how it should be. No straight person ever had to explain or defend their orientation or felt there were places and situations where it was dangerous to tell others about it. Queer people shouldn’t know this fear either, but they do, every day. So if TV land presents us characters who don’t make a big deal about it, or places where homophobia doesn’t exist (Teen Wolf) than yeah, that might be not realistic. But sometimes TV can, instead of showing us how it really is, show is how we want things to be like. Think about Star Trek, think about Uhura and what a big influence her character had on women of colour ([x](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FUhura%23Cultural_impact&t=MjkxODJmMWZiMzRiYzMyMmIyOWQ4MzljZDBhZjFiNzExODY4Y2VjNCwxdVhsaEJPRQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F131177305447%2Fcasual-queer&m=1)). If we constantly see a world where being queer isn’t a big thing we might one day live in such world. Your queer? Yeah, whatever.

(Why is Charlie a different case you might ask. Because she is a recurring character, so oviously some of her stories where about her being queer as well. But ultimately I don’t think it was the primary aspect of her storylines. Then again SPN never focussed much on romance or simply made them into subplots.)

(Also I don’t think Jenna is replacing Charlie. Was she written as queer because fans demanded more queer characters and diversity on the show? Probably. Still, her being queer and female doesn’t mean she is a substitute for Charlie. She is a character of her own, with her own story, that is alreay very different than Charlie’s. But then again this fandom always needs something to complain about.)


	5. Thoughts about Spn 11x02

**Thoughts about Spn 11x02**

Obviously FULL OF SPOILERS!

And again, I haven’t read any other comments yet, so sorry in advance if I mention something you have read already ten other times on your dash today.

My my, there were a lot of bodies at the end of this episode. I’m gonna break this down to the three storylines we saw, and yeah I will probably forget something along the way.

 **Sam:** Sam stayed back, trying to find a cure and to save the people in the town. The whole town, complety deserted, with bodies everywhere, reminded me (and probably everyone else) en masse of The Waking Dead. We learn that the people who got infected stay clear for a while, until their condintion gets worse, they start to attack and infect others, and in the end die. George, though he has been later infected than Sam, is in a worse condition than the latter. He says the thing is not math, they everyone reacts different, some turn faster than others. Though that might be true I’m still wondering if Sam is in some way special and was therefore able to hold on for so long. Was he destined to find a cure? 

Sam’s prayer made clear he still thinks it is his fault (his fault alone) the darkness was released, praying not for himself but for Dean and other innocent lives that still can be saved. It reminded me of Dean’s speech in 8x14 where he insisted all he wanted was for Sam to grow old and live his life (Dean mentions a wife and kids because that is still an idea he holds on to, or least thinks it would make Sam happy, whereas Sam simply says Dean deserves a life, without impliying how this life has to look like). Sam gets what he wants, a sign, or rather a vision, though of course question is if it really comes from God (and at the end we wonder if the woman Dean saw in 11x01 was a vision as well). What he sees - himself being tortured - could be an image from the cage. Either it is a memory or what is currently happening in the cage. Why did Lucifer look like Sam? Because obviously he wouldn’t need a vessel, but the show wouldn’t go as far as to show us his true form, so they choose his perfect vessel instead. Or maybe it is something else enterily. 

Sam then finds a cure, maybe because some power helped him, maybe by coincidence. As it turns out the cure is rather biblical, setting up God & heaven as an antogonist to the darkness. So far the bible hasn’t been brought up a lot - Cas once mentioned it got more wrong than right and the Winchesters hardly used it as source. I think it was [Jenny](http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/) who onced proposed the idea of the bible as a human tablet - next to the demon and angel tablet. Either way it looks like the bible might play a bigger role this season and provides some answers. In the end at least Sam managed to save some people. 

And the best at the end - Billie. I liked her, I liked her a lot. And now we know a bit more about the consequences of killing Death. People are still dying, we already saw that in 11x01, and reapers still pick them up. Obviously they don’t need a big boss to do their job. Just as heaven still works without God. Still it fits to the theme of dead parental characters just as Jenna and her grandmother. Anyway, the reapers are pissed and threaten the Winchesters the next time they die they won’t come back. Billie mentions the empty, whatever that realm is. Either way there is no way to come back from that place - it could pose a possible solution how to defeat the darkness. 

**Cas:** Stop hurting Cas 2k15. Please. Heaven is pissed and wants to know where Metatron is, reminding us that yeah, he is still out there, eating pancakes. In sweeps Hannah as a saviour and now things get complicated. I still love her and I think it was clear how uncomfortable she was during the whole episode. It seems as she was in a leading position in heaven but they also mentioned a democracy. I bet that was Hannah’s idea and it is something she learned from Cas. Because angels voting, expressing their free will, making their own choices? Sounds a lot like Cas. And her way to get the information they need? Not by force but being gentle. Did she betray Cas trust in her? Yes. But still… if things were done her way, Cas wouldn’t have been tortured, I’m sure. But that’s not like a democracy works. It is also another episode of Cas needs to decide, heaven or Winchesters. By now all of heaven knows his priorities, it is not even funny anymore. And Hannah asking about Sam and Dean is what gives her away in the end. 

Heaven knows as much about the darkness as everyone else - nothing. They sure seemed to be alarmed (this is the end Hannah said - as in The End?) but then again winners write history and the story they heard came from God and the archangels and might be wrong after all. In the end my sweet Hannah died and it was clear how upset Cas was by it - all their interactions, even despite her betrayl, had been tender, almost intimitate. I’m gonna miss her, and her relationship with Cas, a great deal.

 **Dean:** Everyone favourite ghostbuster. Fighting side by side with his old bro Crowley. Or something like that. Of course Dean’s story is tied to Amara - after all they’re bound. And we saw it in the way he held her, or with Crowley’s comment he is maternal (once again associating Dean with the feminine) - Dean has a connection to Amara, wheter he likes it or not. Could he really have killed her? I doubt it, and not only because of her vessel. 

Amara of course is a very special baby, who can alreay spell and feeds on a special diet. And it is interesting to see how Jenna reacted once she lost her soul or the people in 9x17 in comparision to soulless Sam in season 6. Really, Dean could have had it worse. 

Jenna killing her (very catholic) grandmother and destroying her angel figurines could be seen as something she repressed a long time - Jenna being confirmed as queer and the catholic household she grew up might have caused some problems. But it is intersting that the first victim is someone who represents church and religion and in a wider sense God - after Sam found the cure against the black smoke in the bible. But then Sam’s vision might not be related to God after all and even Cas says he wouldn’t count on God to help them, so it could be misleading. Either way, here we have the theme of parricide and I do think it will play a role this season again, with the mention of God in a great picture, but maybe also with bringing back John and ultimately killing the influence he still has on his sons, especially Dean. 

For a moment I thought it was Amara who saved Dean after Jenna attacked him - after all they always help each other - but no, it was Crowley. Who then reminds us he is not the Winchesters sidekick - a role he certainly played the last two seasons. We already saw it in 11x01 - Crowley is evil again. Maybe Rowena’s spell in 10x22 was never meant to kill him but to activate his evil side again. Crowley working together with the darkness might bite him in the ass - clearly she is more powerfull than him and once she is grown up (in a week or so) she won’t be interested to do what he wants. She reminded me a bit of Lilith though.

The episode ends in the bunker, team free will reunited. Dean wishes for a maid in a little uniform - and gets Cas instead. Cas lying there asking for help certainly reminded Dean of the last time he saw Cas. Thanks for that, show. Usually the second episode introduces us to some broader themes of the season - I’m curious to see how they unfold.


	6. 11x02 & costumes

**11x02 & costumes**

[I talked before](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/131306014522/just-realized-that-dean-and-jenna-wear-the-same) how in 11x02 Dean and Jenna are visually linked through their clothes.

  
  


Dean wears his red shirt, the same he wore in 10x03, while he was still a demon and Sam tried to cure him.

But it is not the only throwback to 10x03. After Jenna lost her soul, during her fight with Dean, she says this: **  
**

> _**Jenna:** But I don’t want to be fixed. I like the new me._

Sounds familiar? Because in 10x03 we hear demon!Dean saying almost the exact same things.

 

> _**Dean:** […]But I’m loving the new model – lean, mean Dean._

and

> _**Dean:** You act like I want to be cured. Personally, I like the disease._

Jenna lost her soul because Amara/the darkness feed on her. Dean on the other hand didn’t lose his soul, but rather it was corrupted until it turned him into a demon. We know this a process that usually takes place in hell and takes a rather long time. Dean instead took the shortcut. Not hell, but the darkness turned him into a demon. In a way she was feeding on his soul as well. [Jenny](http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/131362242271/is-it-strange-that-the-mark-protects-the-bearer) mused about wheter humans were designed to bear the mark; Lucifer, the original bearer, didn’t have a soul, just as every other angel. Both Cain and Dean turned into demons, who, while not being entirely soulless, only have the remains of a broken corrupted soul. Though Dean was cured we know sooner or later the MoC would have turned him again. Either caused by his violent behaviour someone would have killed him or he would have eventually died of old age and became a demon again (it’s been said the MoC makes its bearer immortal, not forever young). Can it be the darkness needs an soulless envionmet to live, therefore creating one? Or is her turning her bearers into demons another way of feeding, although slower? Either way I think it is no coincidence the show linked Dean to Jenna, and especially soulless Jenna to demon!Dean. The one thing that relates them: the darkness. 

**Edit:** I completely forget: the fact that it was Crowley who killed Jenna is interesting as well. Just as he lost his interst in demon!Dean he doesn’t care about her either (so far season 11 did nothing but remind us that Crowley is actually evil… he even said it himself, he is not the Winchesters sidekick anymore). Dean on the other hand tried to save her. Maybe she did indeed reminded him of his time as demon. And just as he didn’t wanted to be saved back then he was gratefull for it afterwards.


	7. „God help us.“ - 11x02 and religious symbols

**„God help us.“ - 11x02 and religious symbols**

 

The one thing that stood out to me upon watching 11x02 was the heavy use of religious symbols and references to the church and Christianity. The last time the show used this specific thematic clues was in season 5 and during the episode we get several references to episodes from season 5.

I try to sum up all references, but please add some in case I forget something. I break this down to the three storylines we see within the episode – Dean, Cas and Sam.

**Dean:**

Dean’s storyline is tied to Jenna and her grandmother, Crowley and Amara. In 11x01 it has been already established that Jenna grew up in a very religious environment; Mike said he saw her in church every Sunday and she refers to her grandmother’s Bible study. Now Jenna knows that whatever happened in Superior wasn’t natural and she decides that the safest place for her and the baby is her grandmother’s home, a place full of religious items.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Keep the image of the grandmother with the cross in the back in your mind because we will see a similar image again. 

During Jenna’s conversation with her grandmother it gets confirmed again that she is very religious. 

> _**Grandmother:** If that thing rolls our way, I’ve got a generator and enough canned green beans to last till Judgment Day._

She refers to Amara being an angel, and that is our first clue that things might not be what they appear. After Amara demands to be feed her first instict is to call a priest.

> _**Grandmother:** Mary, mother – no, Jenna, don’t! Jenna, no! The devil’s in that girl!_

I don’t think it is a coincidence we hear the words “Mary” and “mother” so close to each other, reminding us of another mother named Mary. Because boy, are there heavy references to Jesus when we take a closer look at Sam’s storyline. But we come to that later. Grandmother does what she thinks is best and Father Crowley arrives.

The second time someone is not what he appears to be. Instead of a priest grandma invented the king of hell into her house. We learn that Crowley has sources in the catholic church, meaning this institution is corrupt. What was supposed to be a safe place becomes more and more a hostile environment, the one the grandmother called for help only follows his own interst. Jenna tries to calm down Amara, but loses her soul in the process. She then kills her grandmother and destroys her angel figurines.

  


[Lizzy wrote about](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/131218856423/jenna-angels) how those acts could be interpret as a sign of oppression Jenna had to suffer whenever she was with her grandmother. With Jenna being confirmed queer early one could assume that this caused a conflict with her very catholic grandmother. And while I agree with this reading it is interesting to see that Amara’s first victims were religious women (we don’t know if Jenna considered herself to be religious but she was certainly raised this way). We still don’t know if the black smoke was part of Amara/the darkness or a completely different entity, so those two women are the first directly killed by Amara (well strictly speaking Jenna killed her grandmother and Crowley killed Jenna, but those two incidents were consequences of Amara eating Jenna’s soul). The ones who believed in God, who refered to Amara as an angel and miracle, who called a man of God for help (and Dean as the righteous man could be seen as this as well, opposed to the fake priest Crowley) are dead in the end, lying on the ground surrounded by shattered angels furthermore. An image that of course is repeated by Cas being surrounded by several murdered angels.

**Cas:**

Strangely enough the storyline that contains actual angels refers the least to religious symbols. But then again heaven is more politics than everything else these days. Just as Jenna’s grandmother Cas called for help but didn’t quite get what he was asking for. Instead of helping him they start torturing him. Once again they ask Cas what he is, what side he chooses, the Winchesters or heaven. Cas answer?

> _**Castiel:** I’m an angel of the Lord._

When was the last time he used the specific “of the Lord”? In 4x01. This is the first time God in particular was addressed. The second time is this:

> _**Hannah:** God help us. _
> 
> _**Cas:** I wouldn’t count on that._

Cas has lost his belief in his father during the apocalypse. He learned not to rely on him. If he didn’t helped him during the end of the world, why would he now. And speaking of the end:

> _**Hannah:** Castiel, if this is true, it’s **the end** for all of us._

I believe in many things, but not that a writer like Andrew Dabb uses the word “the end” lightly. So this could be indeed a reference to 5x04 specifically or season 5 in general and the apocalyptic setting of said season. 

Hannah then learns that the darkness has been released, something she has doubt to believe at first. She refers to the darkness as a story (bringing back the theme of “the story became the story”) and how long it has been gone.

> _**Hannah:** The Darkness… It’s been locked away since the dawn of creation._

The creation of the world and mankind is the central theme of Genesis, the first book of the Bible. In 9x23 we learn that this story has been wrong, that before creation there wasn’t nothing or void but the darkness. But if the darkness isn’t void what is it then? I have read several speculations that the darkness could be chaos, the opposite of void. The book of Genesis of course is referenced to already in the title of the episode, “Form and Void”. Specifically to Genesis 1:2: “ _And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep_ ”. So far it seemed the darkness was erased from history, with no mentioning of her on the Bible. But here the darkness is named, although without further explanation or identifying her as chaos/amoral force. This comes together with Sam finding a cure within Bible verses. As it seems there are indeed clues how to fight her, if one knows what they are searching for.

There are two visual clues as well. First we see Cas wearing the torture device.

I don’t know but somehow it reminded me of Jesus wearing a crown of thorns.

The other visual clue is the setting of the lightning.

  


Both Cas and Hannah can be seen, but the light only appears over Cas head, almost like a halo. During their conversation we see him surrounded by light as well. This of course could refer to the earlier question as to what Cas identifies himself, angel or man. Cas said he is an angel, and visually we see him like that, with a halo. This could either mean that among the angels in the room Cas is the only one who is on the right mission or that he will play a crucial part in defeating the darkness, as a lightbringer. Or it could be the exact opposite, that even though Cas said he is an angel, everyone (heaven, the audience) knows his true loyalties lie with the Winchesters. Even though Cas looks like an angel he is no longer a true servant of heaven. Things don’t look like they appear. At the end all the angels who have knowledge about the darkness are dead, except Cas, who returns to the bunker. This might indicate that heaven won’t play a role in defeating the darkness.

**Sam:**

The best for rest. It starts right at the beginning with the overlook of the deserted town, a visual callback to both 5x02 and 5x10. The very first thing we hear? The movie Sam plays to attract rabids. And he couldn’t have chosen a more fitting movie than “ _Night of the hunter_ ”. It tells the story of reverend Harry Powell, a serial killer, who, after he learned his cell mate robbed a bank, infiltrates the cell mate’s family to get the money. 

> _Powell is a self-anointed preacher with a penchant for switchblade knives; a misogynist who is both attracted to and repulsed by women. He travels rural roads, preaching in small towns, **and seems to believe he is doing God’s work.** _([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FThe_Night_of_the_Hunter_%28film%29&t=MzExY2FjZjg5NWZjMjcwYjFlMDQxN2I2MTM0MDZhODg1NmY2ZGQxMSx4WVdkN29qcA%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F131444924007%2Fgod-help-us-11x02-and-religious-symbols&m=1))

He manages to convince almost everyone in town to be nothing more than a preacher, a man who is doing God’s work, just as Crowley made Jenna’s grandmother believe. In the end his true nature is revealed and the townsfolk who once prayed to him almost kill him in a lynch mob. 

The scene in particular that Sam plays is interesting as well, as Powell refers to the story of Cain and Abel.

> _“H-a-t-e. It was with this left hand that old brother Cain struck the blow that laid his brother low. L-o-v-e. You see these fingers? They’re arched. These fingers has veins that run straight to the soul of man. The right hand, friends – the hand of love. Now watch, and I’ll show you the story of life. These fingers, dear hearts, is always a-warrin’ and a-tuggin’, one against the other. Now watch ‘em. Old brother left hand – left hand hates a-fightin’. And it looks like love’s a goner. Or are you too far gone? But wait a minute. What? Wait a minute. Hot dog! Love’s a-winnin’. Yes, siree. It’s love that won. And old left-hand hate is down for the count.”_

Now correct me if I’m wrong but there is no passage in the bible that says Cain killed Abel with his left hand (at least a quick Google search left me with his conclusion). And we know that both Cain and Dean bore the Mark on their right foreman. So far it seems the fake reverend told the story wrong.

As I mentioned before there are a lot of references to Jesus in Sam’s storyline. It starts with his decision to stay behind and cure the sick, not giving up on them. Then we meet Billie, a reaper, who sings the same song we heard in 5x21 when Death was introduced. This is another callback to season 5. In the song we hear this line:

> _**Billie:** When God is gone and the devil takes hold_

Now this is the second time it is mentioned God is gone or won’t help defeating the darkness, after Cas expressed his doubts and it seems that for now heaven won’t be included in this task as well. But of course the most interesting thing Billie reveals about Sam is this:

> _**Billie:** You’re unclean in the Biblical sense._

To be clean or unclean has several meanings in the bible:

> _Generally, the Mosaic Law spoke of something as “unclean” if it was unfit to use in worship to God. […]“Clean” and “unclean” were concepts very familiar to those under the Old Testament Law. God called His people to separate themselves from the impurities of the world. The principle of being clean crosses into the New Testament as well, with the idea of living spiritually pure (2 Corinthians 6:17) and seeking to be holy, living a life worthy of our calling (Colossians 1:10)._ ([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gotquestions.org%2FBible-unclean.html&t=ZTJkMTQyYTBkZWMwNDk0MTEwMDM4MTkzYmQ2Yjg2MDA4ZWJiODg2Nyx4WVdkN29qcA%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F131444924007%2Fgod-help-us-11x02-and-religious-symbols&m=1))

If Sam is unclean in the Biblical sense it means he is not worthy enough to worship God or execute his commands; he is no true servant of God. Just as Crowley was a fake priest and Cas loyalty to heaven was questioned. It is a long established theme that Sam is unclean, long before the rabids infected him. He felt this way since he learned that Azazel fed him demon’s blood as an infant and only while undertaking the trials in season 8 he started to feel purified. But Sam never finished the trials, so the process of being purified might have stopped with them.

Despite this Sam starts to pray, asking God for a sign. Throughout the seasons it has been established that Sam has been the brother who was more willing to believe in God and heaven, opposite to Dean, who refused to believe until he had hard proof. Ironically it has been always Dean associated with the divine, as being the righteous man, in contrast to Sam as the boy king and Lucifer’s vessel. After he left the chapel Sam breaks down, receiving what could be best described as a vision.

We see Sam being tortured. This could be a memory from his time in hell and a reference to Lucifer and the cage. Either way the image above is similar to this:

Jesus and the spear of destiny ([peter-pantomime](http://peter-pantomime.tumblr.com/post/131211111826/now-everybody-say-aaahhhhhh) pointed this out already ). Obviously Sam doesn’t make this reference because instead he says this:

> _**Sam:** What does that mean?!_

Sam asked for a sign, but the vision he gets is no help to him. Just as Cas and Jenna and her grandmother asked for help but ended up being tortured or dead. It has been stated already that Sam’s vision is not what it seems to be and that it is not from God (I think this has been established in an interview already… I can’t find the link anymore). Another time things are not what they appear. It is therefore only logical that Sam’s clue to finding the cure doesn’t lie in the vision but in Billie’s remark. He remembers her referring to the Bible and searches for Bibles verses to help him.

  


The two verses he looks up are those:

> **Mark 9:49** : “ _Everyone will be purified by fire as a sacrifice is purified by salt._ ” 

and

> **Psalm 89:20** : “ _I have found David my servant; with my holy oil have I anointed him._ ”

Now those of course can be seen as general methods to purify something or someone; we know the bodies of ghosts are needed to be salted and burned in order to purify them. So this might not apply to the darkness in particular. Still, as I mentioned before, there seems to be clues in the Bible how to defeat her. And the place Sam choses to cure the rabids? The chapel. Among entering the hospital we see a sign that almost looks like a cross.

Maybe this hospital is a Christian hospital?

While Sam cures the rabids we see him standing in front of a cross.

  


Which brings us back to an image we have seen in the beginning of the episode:

Just as [Jenna and Dean have been linked through their clothes](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/131306014522/just-realized-that-dean-and-jenna-wear-the-same), Sam and the grandmother are as well. We know Dean doesn’t consider himself as religious, and it seems Jenna had at least some issues with her religious upbringing. Her grandmother on the other hand had been very catholic and we saw Sam praying. 

In conclusion there are two constant themes established:

1\. The darkness vs Christianity: Both victims of Amara were Christian; Christian symbols have been destroyed; Sam finds a cure in the holy book of Christianity, the bible.

2\. Things are not what they appear: Fake priest (Father Crowley, “The night of the hunter”); Amara (posing as infant/little girl, both are associated with innocence and being pure); Cas loyalty to heaven (questioned by heaven); Hannah (appeared as saviour, turned out she betrayed Cas); Sam (being told he is unclean, but is the only one who actually saves people, is framed as Jesus figure)

This of course could mean that the story we heard so far – of the darkness as being an evil force – could turn out to be wrong as well, or at least we only heard just one half of the story, therefore we have an incomplete picture. On the other hand God/heaven might not be the help we need. It continues to be a very interesting season.


	8. Thoughts about Spn 11x04

**Thoughts about Spn 11x04**

First of all: I LOVED EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF THIS EPISODE!

Second, I had a long day and just managed to watch it now and I’m probably repeating what everyone else already wrote and I’m tired and will likely forget half the stuff I wanted to write about, so bear with me (also a sudden attack of midnight hunger).

As I mentioned; I really loved this episode. I am in general a huge fan of out of the box episodes and shows that dare to do something different and unique. This episode reminded me a great deal of 10x05 and not just because both are Robbie Thompson episodes, but because I think that ultimately those episodes were made for the fans. Just as in 10x05 there are so many little details and references that casual viewers might not see or found boring. The pace of this episode was slower than usual; the actual monster hunt only took place in the second half and til then it was a lot of talking or the brothers doing normal stuff. I really liked that, I love to see glimpses of their every day life, but then again this is something fans appreciate but not casual viewers, so I’m grateful the show took a risk with that. I catched myself watching quite too many scenes a second or third time, just because I loved them so much, and that says something. I also liked the look and sound of it, the whole perspective from the car, every sound diegetic (and can we talk about the great soundtrack of this episode? I loved every song). It almost felt like a documentary and very different from how we usually get to see the story. They used some great angles and overall created a feeling like you were in the car. 

So let’s talk a bit about the actual episode (this might get long). The first shot is that of Dean (and later Sam) washing the car. This is a great contrast to how Baby looks at the end of the episode, just as bruised and broken as the boys, but like them still running. I think it goes without saying how scandalized I was that Dean’s shorts were mentioned but we never saw them (headcanon: he wore them because Cas happened to be in the bunker, hoping he would join in his car washing session). 

Then the hunt for the werepire starts and Dean parks in front of a roadhouse, hoping for a hook up. Ironically it is Sam who ends up doing the do at the backseat of the Impala, and man I just loved that. First of all because of Sams “I needed that”, because boy when was the last time he had sex? Amelia, right? Totally overdue. And then we get the relationship talk. Dean says they are lucky they still get that at all, meaning they do get older and the opportunities for casual sex might not be what they were used to. And if we look back at the past seasons the boys seemed to have less one night stands then they had in earlier seasons. But at least to me it wasn’t portrayed because of a lack of opportunities but choices. The theme of getting older has been pretty prominent these past seasons (especially in season 10) and with it the idea of settling down (just think about Dean’s confession in 10x16). And Sam still thinks about that or hopes to find that even though the circumstances of their lifes make it hard. And exactly this, their lifestyle, is Dean’s excuse why he won’t try it. He did it once with Lisa - trying to be a hunter and partner and dad at the same time - and it ended in the most horrible way. But Sam points out something else: finding someone who knows the life, who is a hunter as well, could be a way it could work. Now this is something I always thought as well. When I started watching this show many moons ago I realized that this show, unlike many others I watched, wasn’t one for romance. How could it be with the boys always on the road? For them to be in a long term relationship it needed someone who is a hunter as well, as Sam said, someone who knows the life. I’m not saying Cas would be Dean’s perfect boyfriend… oh wait, that is exactly what I’m saying. And Dean denying to be interested in a long term relationship means that of course this will be adressed again, and in a totally not surprising twist of events it turns out that is exactly what Dean is looking for.

Speaking of Cas: I loved how the episode included him. So Cas stayed behind in the bunker, healing, binge-watching Netflix (the moment they mentioned it I knew he would start watching ostnb). And I loved Cas monologue on the phone while Dean fought with the deputy. How tragic is it though, Cas saying “werepire” and Dean not hearing it? But really this is all I wished for. For budget reasons Cas can’t be in every episode, but that doesn’t mean they can’t include him. Mentioning him in dialoges, calling him etc. And the fact that team free will didn’t get seperated immediatly? *___*   So where are all the coda fics exploring what Dean & Cas did in the meantime in the bunker? (with special appearence of Dean’s shorts?)

Sam’s vision of John left me as puzzled as him. Why would he see John of all people? We know Sam never related to his father as much as Dean. Is this the possible God connection: the father of all sends a vision of his father? Then again I don’t think it was a vision from God. Something Sam said bugged me: _“For staters, he told me everything I wanted to hear.“_ The John we saw did indeed say things Sam wanted to hear from his father for a long time. Also we saw John as young man, the way he looked before Mary died. The John who wasn’t a broken man, driven by revenge, and someone Sam could much easier indentify with in 5x13 then the man we saw in season 1. Just as Dean’s dream this vision was intended to bring Sam comfort, to lull him in. It was, somehow, a way to seduce him. Which is why I’m more kean to believe it was a vision from Lucifer rather than God, because this is exactly Lucifer’s MO. Dean’s dream on the other hand is interesting as well. He said the memory brings him comfort, mostly because it was a moment John showed pride in his son, and we know how rare they were (after all it was John’s comment that he was pride of Dean that made him realize he was possesed in 1x22). What I’m curious about is how old Dean was when he learnt to drive (it suggest way younger than 16 and yeah, no way to rise a child, thanks again John) and the family house Dean mentions. Did he mean their old house in Lawrence or another house? It was mentioned in 1x09 they never visited their old house again, so maybe Dean’s subconsciousness made that up, telling us he secretly longed to go back there/having a home again? Sam in contrast dreams of Mary and a normal life: both things he never got to know unlike Dean. And knowning that Dean always got a stronger connection to their mother this seemed odd. 

Some other things from their conversation: glad Sam didn’t keep the secret that he got infected for long; it seems they really try to be more honest with each other. We got a prove once again that Dean actually reads and knows his lore (stop underestimating him, Sam!). And of course the jerk & bitch scene. *heartyeyes*

In the end we learn our motw is called Nachzehrer. So it’s a German monster then, alright? Which makes me more exicted than it probably should. The lore says they need a coin placed in their mouth before cutting of their head, to ahem “remind them that they are dead”. Given how many times the Winchesters died they are walking deads as well (pun inteded) and might need to be reminded as well. John says death never stopped a Winchesters but all I could think about were Billie’s words in 11x02, that the next time they die they stay dead. We also learn that monsters are afraid of the darkness as well (and how to they know about that? Monsters weekly?) and it seems we will see some unlikely alliances this season, just as we saw heaven & hell bonding in 11x03. In the end Dean can save himself with the little hairpin Piper (?) left and the coins from the purse the other girl couldn’t find in time. But objects associated with women, linking Dean again to the feminine.

I might repeat myself but loved, loved, loved this episode. More of this.


	9. Thoughts about Spn 11x05

**Thoughts about Spn 11x05**

As always I’m a bit late for the party. And of course SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILER CAKE FOR EVERYONE!

So this was Nancy Won’s first episode. I don’t really have an opinion about her writing after just one episode, though it seems she did her homework, like for example portraying Sam with his creepy exictment for serial killers (it is defenitly a fetish). I also like Cas subplot this season: instead of being somewhere doing some angel buiseness with the writers not even mentioning him he is probably just binge watching netflix the whole season. The opportunities here are endless, just give him a new show every week. And because this wasn’t 11x04 we obviously didn’t see all the conversations he had with the boys on the phone, asking them about their opinions about the show, but we all know they absolutely happened. 

So what about the actual episode? It felt a bit strange to me, mostly because it started out as a motw-episode and ended as a mytharc-episode. I’m still not sure why Amara was there in the first place. Sure her comment that Lizzie’s parents sucked was a throwback to Crowley’s (failed) parenting. But was it just random she showed up in Fall River, because Crowley’s lair is actually in Massachusetts, or did she get there intentional because she was interested in Lizzie’s story? (She and Sam should found a club) Maybe she sees Lizzie as a kindred soul, someone who liberated herself without Amaras help? I admit I thought the fact Amara was mentioned in the synopsis for the episode would be a false lead. I did suspect some sort of ghost with Lizzie Borden motives: the mom was killed because Lizzie felt opressed by her parents, the husband was killed because the wife had an secret affair with the nanny (some people suspected Lizzie to have an affair with her maid). But no it was soulless Sydney all along. 

So Sydney and Len. I’m glad the show adressed that not having a soul is actually quite different for everyone, mentioning Sam and Jenna as well. Which instead of incoherency in the writing makes it somehow canon. And Sam put it right - it is just the tip of the iceberg, because they actually know jack about Amara and what she wants (glad they know they don’t need to search for a toddler anymore). Also Dean’s comment: Len lost his heart, Sydney her head. Len couldn’t feel anything anymore, he mostly operated on logic, like we saw Sam in season 6, right til the end where he turned himself in, afraid he could do more harm. He still had his conscience. Sydney though, Sydney felt. Even though she claimed she wouldn’t feel any pain anymore, she was filled with something, some sort of ecstasy. She felt liberated, and did remind me a lot of Demon!Dean. And of course Jenna as well. They operated on emotion, on those they repressed their whole lifes. Sydney still cared about the kid she was babysitting, she even killed his parents in a twisted way to save him. And knowning she was abused by her parents I think she certainly served as a mirror for Sam and Dean. She asked them how their parents treated them and the fact that we didn’t get an answer is answer enough here. She talked about the feeling of bliss - the same bliss Len was missing - and how Amara finally took away her pain. It reminded me an awful lot of this here:

> CASTIEL: _Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.  
> _

Amara said she wanted to help Sydney and the _then_ reminded us of Dean’s first words about her - _she saved me_. I think Amara eating souls isn’t just nutrition for her, but her way to help those people, to free them. Correct me if I’m wrong but in christianity it is believed that it was God who gave the humans their souls. Amara/the darkness as an opposed force is now taking away God’s creation - and right now it looks as the reason for that is that she thinks souls are the main reason humans are in pain. In 11x03 she looked at all of God’s creation, implying she could have done better. Now it seems she is trying to fix what God got wrong. And Sydney just refered to her as an goddess. 

There wasn’t much about Sam in this episode, Dean though… I was a bit worried. Dean needed to be reimnded that their mission is to save people instead of killing them, just as in 11x01. Though in the end, when Len suggests exactly this, Dean couldn’t do it. Len’s whole talk about going through the motions and faking it sounded an awful lot like Dean as well and it certainly seemed like he knew what Len was talking about. 

Exicted for next weeks episode featuring The Darkness - the band - and Cas hiting Metadouche. Much fun. _  
_


	10. Thoughts about Spn 11x06

**Thoughts about Spn 11x06**

SPOILERS! You have been warned.

This episode was so good and so rich, I don’t know where to start. Basically every scene needs a closer look, and I think in this episode alone happened more than in 11x01 - 11x05 together. So let’s get this started. 

**Castiel:** I really liked how Berens further developed Cas storyline for this season. We see him quite untypical for him still in Sam’s room (I think?) watching TV. Any TV, whatever is on. And it’s pretty clear that something is wrong with him. He seems apathetic and has no intention to leave the bunker. I think his line that the guy on the Jenny Jones show isn’t ready yet to be a father could be interpreted in different ways. It could refer to Cas himself and his relationship to Claire, though it seems unlikely as she hasn’t been mentioned yet. It could refer to Dean and how he is not ready yet to settle down. Or, and I think this would make the most sense within this episode, Crowley and his struggle to raise/controll Amara. Later we see Cas trying to leave the bunker, but flashbacks of the events of 10x22, 11x02 and 11x03 keep him from leaving. I think this was really important because a posttraumatic reaction like this is a) something very human and b) not seen very often on this show. Ever so often our characters just keep going, but here we see Cas still suffering and under the influence of the violent events of his recent past. I do hope this will be adressed again and Cas will resolve things with Dean (Jensen mentioned a talk between Cas and Dean and some speculated it would take place in this episode; Berens confirmed on twitter some scenes were cut and I really hope it wasn’t their talk). Back on televesion we see a dog who thinks it is people - the same thing Rowena accused Cas to be in 10x22. Cas is portrayed as human-ish this season more than ever - starting with heaven rejecting him and then spending his time in the bunker binge watching Netflix, now he suffers from PTSD and even Metatron knows he is no longer the man (or angel) he used to be. This really looks like a theme and I wouldn’t be surprised if Cas becomes human again at the end of the season, though this time by choice.

Metatron as a human is of course as awful as Metatron was as an angel - really not surprising. Some speculated he would turn out like the guy from “Nightcrawler” and of course it is true. The scene with the dying man was so telling - Metatron telling him that no long ago he had the power to save him but wouldn’t have anyway and then Cas appearence which was framed really like a hero’s entrance. All in front of a giant cross, remeding us of the divine status of both Cas and Metatron, even though only one acts like that. Metatron of course hates being human - where Cas found dignity and new purpose Metatron only sees banality. I think Cas violence against Metatron wasn’t fully directed to him - Metatron deserved it, no question. Still it was framed an awful lot like the crypt scene in 8x17, so I think the person Cas really wanted to hurt was Dean. Not in an actual but metaphorical way. And the fact that Cas let Metatron go? I think he was tired of causing further pain and after all Metatron posed no threat. 

**Sam:** Aka the softest hunter in the squad. When was the last time we saw one of the Winchesters exercise a demon? I think it was Lisa who got exercised in 6x21. And a lot of fans complained about the Winchesters attitude to rather kill than saving the meatsuit. Still an exercised demon can possesss a new human, so there is that. And a lot of the people who got possessed won’t surive it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like Sam’s new approach - but I got somehow the feeling it is going to bite him in the ass. The other thing of course are Sam’s vision - featuring the cage. With all the hints to especially Lucifer this doesn’t come off as a surprise though. So Sam keeps it a secret just as Dean the exact extant of his connection to Amara and Cas that he suffers from PTSD - can those boys just talk with each other?

 **Crowley:** Raising teenagers is hard, who would have thought. Especially if you’re threating to kill her love interst, who was Crowley’s love interest before - only on Supernatural. Both the “summer of love” and the “bromance” comment frame them again as lovers - with Crowley not trying to deny it and openly admitting he had a soft spot for Dean (will rembering the audience those times are over) and Dean being a bit embarresed about it. It is interesting to see that Crowley was for a time more powerful than Amara - a godess after all. But what activated her powers was her concern for Dean. I think the future won’t be easy for Crowley - we have seen multiple characaters so far killing a parental figure or trying to. Jenna killed her grandmother, Amara her nanny, in 11x04 the maker was killed, Sydney killed the parents of the boy she babysitted, the Lizzie Borden b&b guy had a beef with his mother. Goldie tried to kill her mother with a frying pan. There had been hints that some of them were abused (Jenna, Sydney) and it seems Amara certainly is drawn to people who suffered under their parents - Jenna, Sydney, Goldie and of course Dean. If I were Crowley I would be scared.

 **Amara:** Like I mentioned she seems to have a certain type whose souls she likes to eat - more women then men and often those who had to suffer in their childhood, just like she did. She does reject the mail man(?) Crowley offers her, but that might have been just a teenager tantrum. In the beginning she tells Goldie she wants to be like her - maybe it just meant she wanted her clothes. But what if certain aspects of the people whose souls she consumes transfer to her? She did attack Crowley in a similar way like Goldie did with her mother.   
The most fascinating scene of course was Amara’s conversation with Dean, overlapping with Metatrons reveal of her true nature (great editing by the way). What she told Dean in 11x01 - that they are bound and will always help each other - is confirmed here. Amara saves Dean and Dean is unable to kill her, even harm her. There was a certain romantic vibe between them, which was really bizarre because of course she still had the body of a teenage girl while simultanly she is an ancient force of creation. [@dustydreamsanddirtyscars](http://tmblr.co/m4J6yls3rYvF2fUHLnY_jJQ) wrote a bit about how Amara and Dean and how they are framed as lovers - first in 11x01, now here again, but that Dean certainly doesn’t welcome his connection to her. He keeps it a secret from both Sam and Cas, because it terrifies him. Whatever romantic vibe there is, it is unwanted by Dean. Amara claims that the reason she saved Dean was because he was the first creation of God she saw - while implying how wrong he did and that she could have done better. I think there is more about Dean what fascinates her but only time will tell. The big reveal of course is that the darkness is God’s sister. I’m still not sure if Amara is the darkness or just somehow related to her  - maybe her daughter? So did God locked away his sister so he could use her powers? Maybe his alone weren’t enough to actually create and as the siblings had different ideas about creation and couldn’t agree he betrayed her. Either way it is another story between siblings and we will see if it parallels to Dean and Sam’s story just as Michael and Lucifer’s story did in season 5. (Maybe Sam has to lock away Dean to save the world?) The episode ends with a great music cue: Girl you’ll be a woman soon. Anyone in the mood for Pulp Fiction?

Something random: in Sam and Dean’s motel room they reused the wallpaper from  5x08 (the one in the sitcom segment). A hint to Gabriel? On the opposite wall could be seen paintings by Daniel Danger. I think one of them was a painting that featured an angel and has the title “We can no longer protect you forever”. I might be wrong about it though. Either way two hints to angels and that they can no longer help. It’s going to be a pretty dark season (pun intended).


	11. „You don’t… Ever want something more?” – Dean and the domestic life

**„You don’t… Ever want something more?” – Dean and the domestic life**

**Note:** This took a whole lot longer than I thought and I admit I got carried away and wrote way more than I originally intended. I do read Dean as bisexual and also think Dean and Cas are two idjits madly in love, so if this is not your cup of tea please don’t read further. Otherwise enjoy! (spoilers up to 11x04) 

Right from the beginning Supernatural tells us there are two worlds, one being the so called apple pie life, the normal life without monsters or hunting, the one Sam tried with Jessica and Amelia and Dean with Lisa and Ben. On the other hand we have the hunter life – an unstable life on the road, full of risks, with no place for something more, ergo a long term relationship. And before the Carver era we have been told again and again that these two don’t mix – you can’t have both, you always have to choose. Right from the start in 1x01 we see the choices the brothers made – Sam chose a normal life with Jess in Stanford while Dean chose a life as hunter. Of course things quickly change with Jess’s death for Sam, but we know he still longs for this life and is able to admit it. Dean on the other hand longs for a normal life as well, but denies himself to gain for something more. This is a theme that has been there right from the start, but becomes especially prominent in season 5 with Dean ending to get what he secretly longs, a family and a home, a normal life. Season 6 and 7 drift away from this concept, but since season 8 and onwards this theme is brought back again, though never as open as in 11x04. [I already talked before](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/131444924007/god-help-us-11x02-and-religious-symbols) how season 11 so far reminds me a great deal of season 5, mostly in turns to how the mythology is portrayed and with a big bad on the horizon that brings back the same apocalyptic atmosphere we had in season 5.  But now it seems the emotional arc of season 5 is having a comeback as well, and just as season 5 ended with Dean having a domestic life season 11 could be getting there too, though this time more balanced. It should be also noted that I think that both Sam and Dean associate the idea of a domestic life with a long term relationship and romantic love, so I will consider how these aspects fit into the narrative as well. 

[ **Part I: Season 1 – 5** ](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299933582/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-i)

[ **Part II: Season 6 – 7** ](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299938692/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-ii)

[ **Part III: Season 8 – 10** ](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299943997/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iii)

[ **Part IV: Season 11 (11x01-11x04)** ](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299951912/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iv)


	12. Dean and the domestic life - Part I

**Dean and the domestic life - Part I**

Start reading [here](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299926162/you-dont-ever-want-something-more-dean)

**[Part II: Season 6 – 7](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299938692/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-ii)   
[Part III: Season 8 – 10](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299943997/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iii)   
** [Part IV: Season 11 (11x01-11x04)](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299951912/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iv)

 

**“You go live some normal, apple-pie life.” – Season 1 – 5**

  
As I mentioned before Deans longing for a normal life has been established right from the start. In 1x06 shifter!Dean reveals that Dean had dreams of his own, but unlike Sam never lived them out, as he had accepted his role in the family business. Of course it is not Dean himself telling us this, but a shapeshifter who had been able to read his mind. The real Dean instead tells us in 1x08 that a normal life would freak him out and he prefers their life over normal any day. This is pretty much how it is for the first seasons – Dean denying to have any interest in a normal life while secretly longing for exactly this. A lot of those scenes where this secret longing is confirmed Sam is either not around or it is revealed in an involuntary way from Dean’s side. His interest in romantic love is confirmed in 1x13 where we learn that Dean once was in a relationship with Cassie – much to his brother’s surprise – but things didn’t end well. Once Cassie knew the truth about Dean and his life as a hunter she ended things. The lesson Dean learned from this is that he can never have real commitment, that the barrier the Winchesters created between normal people and people like them- hunters- can’t be broken. Sam of course serves as another example for this as well – while he was happy with Jess she never learned the truth about him. 

In 2x03 Dean tells Gordon he embraced the life (as a hunter) when he was 16, but we know from 9x07 that 16-year-old Dean wanted more from his life, even if it was just for a short time. Whenever he accepted his life as a hunter it must have been after his time at Sonny’s. In 2x20 then we get a glimpse at Dean’s perfect world – and it is one where neither he himself or any of his family members is a hunter. Of course the world we see here follows the premise what would have happened if Mary never died – but for all we know the boys still could have become hunters, even with Mary alive. One event doesn’t result strictly in another. So it is quite telling that the world the djinn thought would tempt Dean the most is one where he isn’t a hunter but instead lives a normal life. It also during season 2 that Jo was introduced, orginal as a possible love interest for Dean. And even though things never worked out for them like this, the idea of another hunter as a love interest – as brought up in 11x04 - isn’t exactly new.

Season 3 focus next to season 5 the most on domestic life in those early seasons. In 3x01 we see a married couple who hunts together, establishing that hunters can make long term relationships last and have a bit of domestic bliss in their lives. 3x02 of course introduces Lisa and Ben and with them the idea of a life Dean could have had. In the end it turns out Ben is not Dean’s son, but the idea sticks with him. This is confirmed in 3x10, where we enter Dean’s dream world and it is revealed he has a very domestic fantasy including Lisa and Ben. Of course none of this was meant to be seen for Sam’s eyes, and we see a) how surprised Sam is to learn this about his brother and b) how embarrassed Dean is, avoiding to talk about it. All of this happens in the great theme of season 3, with Dean knowing he is about to die and coming to terms with it, from denial in the first place, to admitting he is afraid and wants to live and secretly regrets never having more from his life.

> **Dean:** _Yeah, I don’t know. It’s weird, you know your life… I mean, this house and a kid… it’s not my life. Never will be. Some stuff happened to me recently, and, uh… Anyway, a guy in my situation – you start to think, you know. I’m gonna be gone one day, and what am I leaving behind besides a car?_

During season 4 the idea of settling down is only mentioned a few times. In 4x12 Dean reveals he already accepted the fact he will likely die at a young age, and this notion is confirmed again in 4x19. Adam functions as an alternative version of the brothers, as a life they could have had if John didn’t raise them as hunters. And even though Adams life has been already infiltrated by the supernatural, Dean still believes he can have a normal life. But in contrast to that he thinks his chance for a normal life is over, and he has accepted this a long time ago. Sam on the other hand tells Adam that he can no longer have a normal life,  that he has to cut down all his connections, to keep the people he cares about safe. And he repeats this one episode later in 4x20 when he tells Jimmy the same thing, that he can be no longer with his wife and daughter, if he wants to keep them safe. Both brothers have accepted their lives as hunters and have no illusions about having a normal life. But while Dean thinks others might still have the chance, Sam is more resolute; from his own experience he knows that trying to escape the hunter life all too often ends in tragedy. 

In 4x13 we see an 18 year old Dean who already wears the persona of the Dean we met in season 1; the Dean who fully identifies himself with being a hunter. And whatever personal sacrifices he has to make are justified with the fact that he is hero and saves lives. We already saw this more tragically played out in 2x20; the reason Dean came back from his dream world was that he realized that his own happiness isn’t worth more than the life of the innocents he didn’t save in this world. The same thing happens in 4x17: Dean Smith realizes that maybe he is made for greater things, or as Zachariah puts it, he accepts the role destiny has planned for him. Still prior to that it was Dean not Sam who seemed to be more adjusted in their alternative reality, and rather sceptical with the idea to become a hunter.

As I mentioned before it is season 5 where Dean’s longing for a domestic life becomes really prominent. And just as in season 3 this is during a time where he is convinced his life will end soon. In 5x06 during their encounter with Jesse Dean realizes why parents lie to their children- they do it to protect them – and wishes his dad would have lied to him as well and he would have had the chance to have a normal childhood, if only for a short time. 5x11 of course is a goldmine. Both Dean and Sam have been poisoned by a wraith and start hallucinating. Dean meets a psychiatrist named Dr. Cartwright; during their last encounter it is revealed she is a hallucination as well. It is not clear if she has been a hallucination all along or if she was a real person and Dean only imagined their last conversation. Still, it is worth to take a look at their first talk (especially if we consider this could be Dean’s subconscious talking to him). Her questions are: _How many hours a night do you sleep? How many drinks do you have a week? When was the last time you were in a long-term relationship?_ For all we know this could be Dean asking himself these questions, because he realized how damaged and far from a normal he is. And let’s take a closer look at the last question.

> **Dr. Cartwright:** _Okay. When was the last time you were in a long-term relationship?_
> 
> **Dean:** _Define long-term._
> 
> **Dr. Cartwright:** _More than two months._
> 
> **Dean:** _Never._

We know from 1x13 that Dean once was in a relationship with Cassie, though it seems things ended before the two month anniversary. There is also Karen Singer’s comment in 5x15 where she assumes that Dean never has been in love. Though Dean never answers to that the question remains how serious things were with Cassie or how significant the relationship was on the great run for Dean. Ever since then Dean’s love life is reduced to one night stands. Outside his family he never had a long fulfilling relationship, which of course resulted in the fact that his relationships to both his father and his brother became rather unhealthy. He never learned to exist outside his role within his family, to the point where he was willing to sell his soul in order to save his brother’s life. The only way Dean sees himself and his purpose are as a) hunter or b) brother/son. And he places both duties – that to his job and that to his family – over every personal desire he might have had. 

In 5x12 Sam and Dean visit one of their old babysitters investigating a case, and we have this little exchange:

> **Dean:** _You ever think that you’d want something like that? Wife, rugrats, the whole nine?_
> 
> **Sam:** _No, not really my thing anymore._

It is interesting that for once Dean brings the conversation into that direction, and by asking Sam if he is still interested in a normal life it is implied Dean thinks this is something Sam can still have. Unfortunately Sam never asks Dean the same question in return, maybe because he thinks he already knows the answer. In 5x14 we learn that the reason Dean wasn’t affected by Famine was that inside he already was dead, that what filled him was emptiness, and no food or sex could satisfy him. Even though this could be mostly interpreted as a sign for Dean’s ongoing depression, the fact remains that the life he has, the life of a hunter, doesn’t fulfil him anymore. In 5x16 we see Dean’s happiest memories in his own personal heaven, and among those a memory of their home in Lawrence, spending time with his mother in their kitchen. It is the only time in Dean’s life he had an actual home, a normal life, and with it the promise of love and safety. 

5x17 can be seen as a turning point within the season; Dean is tired of fighting destiny and is willing to say yes to Michael. At the end of the episode he visits Lisa, revealing that his idea of happiness includes her and Ben and the normal life they have.

> **Dean:** _Look, I have no illusions, okay? I know the life that I live, I know how that’s gonna end for me. Whatever. I’m okay with that. But I wanted you to know…that when I do picture myself happy…it’s with you. And the kid._

We already know since 3x10 that Dean’s idea of a normal life is linked to Lisa and Ben. From all the women of his past she is the only one he dreams about and visits on his so called farewell tour. The reason she became so special for him is the fact that unless the other women in his life (as in past romantic/sexual encounters) she is a mom, more so the mother of his potential son (whether Ben is Dean’s son or not, the idea stuck with him). Like I wrote before Lisa and Ben became the personification of the life he could have had, if he wouldn’t be a hunter. And though his longing for such a life has been already confirmed in 3x10 this marks the first time he openly admits it. And as Sam confronts Dean about his plan to say yes, he assumes right that Dean visited her. For all the denial on Dean’s side Sam has always managed to look right through it. Which is why in 5x22 his final wish for Dean is to give in, to get what he secretly wants.

> **Sam:** _You go find Lisa. You pray to god she’s dumb enough to take you in, and you – you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me._

And Dean does; after losing Sam, after seeing his own worst nightmare coming true, he goes to Lisa and Ben, fulfilling his brother’s last wish. And with that of course the question remains if Dean did it because it is what he wants or because he’s doing what he thinks his brother wanted him to do. 

Another important aspect is that season 5 was originally planned to be the last season of Supernatural. Eric Kripke’s vision of the story ended here, with Sam ultimate sacrifice, and Dean getting the life he secretly graved. Season 8 is another supposedly last season of the show and it deals with the same themes, Sam willing to sacrifices himself for a greater good and Dean getting a domestic life, though under different circumstances. But I will write in greater detail about it once we get there.


	13. Dean and the domestic life - Part II

**Dean and the domestic life - Part II**

Start reading [here](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299926162/you-dont-ever-want-something-more-dean)

**[Part I: Season 1 – 5](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299933582/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-i)   
[Part III: Season 8 – 10](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299943997/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iii)   
** [Part IV: Season 11 (11x01-11x04)](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299951912/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iv)

**“I lost control for a minute.” – Season 6-7**

  
Season 6 starts where season 5 ended, with Dean living a normal apple pie life with Lisa and Ben. Of course the situation is different from the time Sam had his normal life with Jess. Lisa knows about Dean, knows about the risk, and Dean on the other hand takes precautions, like painting a devil’s trap under their rug. Still his life is for the most part completely normal; he has a normal job, has barbecues, ect, ect. But is he truly happy? For once he still mourns the loss of his brother. And that’s another thing: did Dean chose this life or was there no choice left for him? Of course he could be still hunting, but we know that Dean never preferred to work on his own. And hunting would probably bring back too many painful memories of Sam. The question is if Dean would still choose this life with his brother being alive, and season 6 answers this question in a rather painful way. 

Once Sam is back Dean starts hunting again with him, and the life he has built with Lisa and Ben crashes with that. 6x02 marks the first time he tries to be both, hunter and partner/dad, bringing both worlds together. This of course brings memories from his own childhood back, and how John struggled to be a hunter and at the same time tried to keep his kids safe. In the end John raised his children to become hunters as well, and in 1x20 he admitted that at one point he had stopped being their father and became their drill sergeant instead. Dean on the other hand tries to make it better, tries not to repeat the mistakes his father has made. 

> **Dean:** _I don’t know what to do here, Lis. I mean, if I knew for sure what the safest thing was, then I’d do it. Stay here and look after you guys or get as far away as I possibly can, but I don’t know. And I get what I’ve been doing lately, you know, what with the yelling and the acting like a prison guard. It’s just, that’s not me. You tell yourself you’re not gonna be something, you know? But my dad was exactly like this. All the time. It’s scaring the hell out of me._

At the end of the episode Lisa suggests to try to balance it out; Dean still hunts with his brother, but at the end of the day he returns to his new home with Lisa and Ben. This is the first time the concept that you can only have one thing, that you have to decide between both worlds, is broken. And for a short time Dean lives in both worlds at the same time. This is of course because Lisa is willing to find a compromise; she knows Dean won’t give up his brother and with Sam in the picture Dean will hunt again. In 6x06, under the influence of Veritas, Lisa tells Dean that she knew from the moment Sam was back that it was over. Lisa tried to work things out, to find some sort of balance, because she was afraid to lose Dean otherwise. But in the end it is not only the reminder how dangerous Dean’s job can be as seen in 6x05 but Dean’s relationship to his brother that ends things between them. Dean could never show full commitment for Lisa, at least not once Sam was back. The unhealthy relationship he developed with his brother made it impossible for him to have another equally important fulfilling relationship outside his family. 

6x14 marks the final break up for Lisa and Dean. Even though she tried to find a compromise once she admits here that the permanent risk Dean’s job brought was another reason things didn’t work out between them. Lisa lived in the constant fear that Dean got hurt or worse killed, and even after their break up this fear is still there and prevents her from letting go. For Dean it is another reminder that being with Lisa in the end caused her more pain than everything else. Which is why he tells Ben that to love somebody sometimes mean you should let people go, especially if you think they are better off without you. 

The risk of Dean’s job come full circle in 6x21, as Crowley uses Lisa and Ben to get what he wants from Dean. Dean goes through the same horror Sam experienced in season 1; Sam blamed himself for Jess’s death, just as Dean makes himself responsible for everything that happens now to Lisa and Ben. Their love made the people they cared about to targets; Lisa and Ben became Dean’s weak spot, both of them unable to defend themselves. Which is why it is significant that in 11x04 Sam speaks about a hunter, about someone who knows the life, when he talks about the idea of a long term relationship and domestic life. In the end, Dean takes the drastic measure to ask Cas to erase Lisa and Ben’s memories. And when he sees them for a last time, this time as a complete stranger to them, he says this:

> **Dean:** _I just, uh, I lost control for a minute, and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry._

He lost control. For a short time he gave in, he allowed himself to have a home and a family, all the things he secretly longed for, but it ended in tragedy. The lesson Dean learns is that he can’t have both, that as long as he is a hunter those dreams will remain dreams, because the risk of losing it is too high. And this fits in with Dean’s constant self perception of someone who is poison, who will break everything he touches, and isn’t worth the love and devotion of anyone. 

Season 7 doesn’t feature the theme of a domestic life at large. Emotionally Dean’s story is about grief, isolation and the loss of identity. Over the course of the season Dean nearly loses everything dear to him: Cas, Bobby, his first and his second home (the Impala and Bobby’s house) and almost Sam. Dean depression reaches a critical point, such as his alcohol addiction. He is broken and tired, and after the events of season 6 he is in no place to dream of something more. Ironically though we do see a wedding in 7x08. And even if Sam’s marriage to Becky was never real, for the short time they are together, we see them working together as hunters, reintroducing the idea that a long term relationship could work with somebody who is a hunter as well. 

In 7x11 we meet Krissy and her dad. This is the first episode after Bobby’s death, with both Sam and Dean painfully reminded how much the job costs them. During the episode Dean tries his best not to get Krissy involved and keep her safe. This is very reminiscent to how he treated Ben; both children were aware of the world of the supernatural and the possible dangers, but Dean tried to keep them away from that as much as he could. This is a callback to 6x02 and Dean’s fear that he could become just like his father; he wanted to be a dad to Ben, not a drill sergeant, and certainly not raise him to become a hunter as well. We know that John put a lot of responsibility on Dean’s shoulder from a very young age; he was Sam’s caretaker and learned skills that were useful for a hunter (like driving or shooting) way too young. John took away Dean’s childhood and Dean tried not to repeat the same mistake with Ben and here Krissy. He even suggests her to go to college and that she could be both, a student and a hunter. The same Dean who was so angry with Sam because he left for college, who described the night as one of the worst of his life, has started to understand why his brother made this decision. John never gave his sons a choice, and after Sam left Dean’s loyalty to his dad restrained him from following some of his own dreams. But here we have Dean, telling Krissy she has a choice and that there is more to life than being a hunter or the drive for revenge. And the episode ends with Dean telling Lee, Krissy’s father, that he should quit. That the same reason he started hunting – his family – is why he should stop, so Krissy has the chance to still be a regular kid. Dean speaks from experience here because he has been both - a hunter’s kid and a dad who tried to be a hunter. Both times it didn’t end well. 

And ultimately we have 7x13, which serves as a complete opposite to what Dean had with Lisa and Ben. There is a clear difference between Lydia & Lisa and Emma & Ben. Ironically the story starts the same way: Dean has a one night stand and the woman becomes pregnant. Unlike Lisa this time we know for sure Dean is the father and he finds out rather fast. But this is where the similarities end. Lisa becomes so much more over the years; she is the one Dean is dreaming about when he imagines himself having a normal life. She is the one who took him in, who was there for him after he lost Sam, who supported him. I think it is still arguable whether Dean was in love with her or with the idea of her, but that doesn’t degrade the importance she had in his life. Lydia remains just another one night stand, and one with ulterior motives furthermore. And through the whole affair Dean didn’t seem to enjoy himself the way he usually did, implying that casual sex doesn’t satisfy him anymore and he craves for more. The same difference can be seen between the children: Dean might be Emma’s biological father, but he was never her dad. That is what he was for Ben, who looked up to him, admired him, and who proved to Dean that he is not the man his father was. Family doesn’t end with blood, but it doesn’t start there either; we already see it in this episode. Related to the bigger theme this episode deconstructs the idea of a family; instead of love and comfort it becomes something dangerous and removes Dean as far as possible from any domestic bliss.


	14. Dean and the domestic life - Part III

**Dean and the domestic life - Part III**

Start reading [here](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299926162/you-dont-ever-want-something-more-dean)

**[Part I: Season 1 – 5](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299933582/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-i)   
[Part II: Season 6 – 7](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299938692/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-ii)   
** [Part IV: Season 11 (11x01-11x04)](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299951912/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iv)

**“I’m nesting, okay?” – Season 8 - 10**

  
I mentioned before that season 8, just as season 5, was a potential last season. Both feature similar themes and similar endings (and are therefore always worth a second look for speculations on how the show might end), though ultimately Carver’s approach is a different than Kripke’s was. The season starts with Dean coming back from purgatory; in flashbacks we learn how this experience affected his relationship with Cas. He refers to the place, even though it was the land of monsters, as something pure and it seems as some sort of cleaning did indeed happen to Dean there. It is during season 8 that we see Dean happier than before, being more open and accepting to parts of himself he denied before; he finally seems to be at peace with himself. 

After returning to earth Dean finds out Sam spent the last year with Amelia, living a normal life, with no intention to bring back Dean from the dead. Unlike Dean in his year with Lisa Sam gave up the hunter’s life completely. He never told Amelia about it and there are no signs he tried to protect her from possible risks his old job brought with him (like painting a devil’s trap under the rug as Dean did). He completely cut his ties to his old life, including Kevin, who needed him the most. Dean’s anger after learning all this is much more layered than it first seems. He is angry because Sam ignored his responsibilities, he is angry because Sam didn’t try to get him out of purgatory. But was he angry that Sam had a normal life with Amelia? As I mentioned things have changed since Sam left for Stanford; Dean is now in a place where he understands Sam’s reasons much better. And in 8x14 Dean even tells Sam that his own personal happy ending is knowing Sam is happy, living the life he always wanted. But underneath that he was jealous and he admits so in 8x10. Dean, who is afraid that eventually everyone he cares about will leave him, could always count on Sam. Now, after Cas left him as well (though he blames this one on himself), he learns Sam abandoned him too. In 8x06, under the influence of the cursed penny, Dean puts it even more dramatically: Sam left Dean to die in purgatory for a girl. In the first half of the season Benny and Amelia are mirrored, both as people the brothers kept as a secret from each other, as the relationships they build while being apart. Once they are back together both relationships fall apart, at the end of 8x10 Sam and Dean choose each other (and the hunting life) instead of Benny and Amelia. Carver slowly deconstructs the brother’s relationship and shows how toxic it became, and this is a first sign of it. Both brothers had built up a relationship outside their family  but they only worked as long as Sam and Dean were separated from each other, were persons of their own, instead of just one half of another. But being together again every connection outside their family is destroyed.

Along with giving the Winchesters a home in season 8 we see Cas coming closer to humanity. His status as part of the Winchester family is established once again, just as longing for human things. Because of this it is fair to say that any idea of home and family for Dean includes Cas as well. Season 8 is also the season that re-establishes Cas and Dean’s relationship and frames them as romantic; what season 6 and 7 told in the subtext now becomes text with Dean’s confession that he needs Cas in 8x17 (with the clear distinction between “We need you” and “I need you” Dean differentiates between Cas as a general part of his family and someone who has a special status to him –as a potential lover). Both Cas and Dean struggle between the things they want – each other – and the things they believe they need to do. For Dean it is going through the trials or rather help his brother doing them. For Cas it is to redeem himself to heaven after what he has done in his short time as new God. After Cas came back from purgatory he expresses in 8x08 his desire to become a hunter and stay with the Winchesters( framing him as a hunter for the first time). He tries to cut his ties to heaven. But during the episode both Sam and Cas realize they can’t outrun their past. For Cas it means to return to heaven, putting his own desires back. We also see countless examples of interspecies romances during the season, though none of them work out. 8x22 even establish that angels and humans have fallen in love in the past with the introduction of a Nephilim. And then, after a season of telling us again and again that relationships between humans and supernatural beings don’t work, Cas becomes human. Even more, Metatron tells him in 8x23 to have a wife and kids and live a normal, very domestic life. Though Cas time as a human in season 9 doesn’t last long, the fact he became human at all is very interesting. Like I mentioned season 8 was a potential last season. Cas story has been since his introduction in season 4 centered around the fact that he is different then the other angels, and that what makes him special is his love for humanity. Cas never saw them as mud monkeys but rather as works of art. In season 5 his rebellion against heaven results in losing almost all his angelic powers, he becomes more or less human. The same happens here, which would imply that in the final episode of this show we will see Cas human once again, though this time maybe because he choose to be human, rather than someone taking away his powers. Further than that Cas longing for human things or to become human are always associated with Dean; everything he knows about humans he knows from Dean. It was Dean who taught him about free will and choice. Metatron’s line in 9x22 that Cas is in love in humanity is framed in a way that the audience expected him to say he is in love with Dean, therefore establishing that Dean is humanity. Cas journey to become human is tied to Dean, and his longing to be with Dean in a romantic relationship. More than once he has been told to make a choice between heaven and the Winchesters, more specifically Dean (8x17, 9x22). Each time he chose Dean. Dean’s happing ending with a family and a home includes Cas as a romantic partner, but on Cas side it means that his final choice has to be to become human to be with Dean.

Along with the idea of romantic love and a long term relationship season 8 finally gives the brothers a home. Like I wrote before season 5 and season 8 have similar themes, but different approaches. Romantic love was in season 5 associated with Lisa, here it is Cas (who unlike Lisa is part of the supernatural world, works as hunter etc). Home in season 5 was the Impala, established in 5x22. In season 8 though we have the bunker. And even though Baby is still home to the brothers (11x04 confirmed that) a car can never be a real home. On the opposite: the significance the car has to the brothers is because they never had a real home; instead the only place who always stayed with them was the car. Both Bobby’s house and Rufus’s cabin functioned as some sort of home base, but they were never in fact their own. But the bunker? It becomes their places, giving each brother their own room, something they never had (if we don’t count Dean’s early childhood). With establishing that their grandfather was a man of letter in 8x12 the bunker can be seen as legacy. Still the brothers react different to their new found home, as seen in 8x14 and 9x04. In 8x14 we see Dean decorating his room with all kind of personal things, buying a new mattress and later making diner for his brother, because they finally have a real kitchen. He even admits that he is nesting. Dean’s approach is different to Sam because unlike his brother Dean remembers how it was to have a home. Still in the same episode we later learn that despite finally having a real home Dean still sees his life ending in a typical hunter way. 

> **Dean:** _And you told me yourself that you see a way out. You see a light at the end of this ugly-ass tunnel. I don’t. But I tell you what I do know – it’s that I’m gonna die with a gun in my hand. ‘Cause that’s what I have waiting for me – that’s all I have waiting for me. I want you to get out. I want you to have a life – become a man of Letters, whatever. You, with a wife and kids and – and – and grandkids, living till you’re fat and bald and chugging Viagra – that is my perfect ending, and it’s the only one that I’m gonna get._

Though it is clear that Dean longs for the same things – having a family, a partner, a home – he doesn’t think he is going to get them. Either because he thinks he doesn’t deserve them or because his experience with Lisa and Ben taught him it will end in pain – at least as long as he is a hunter. But he still thinks that Sam can have those things, because after Sam’s year with Amelia he realized that his brother can completely give up hunting if he wants to. Dean can’t and he hasn’t reached a place yet where he recognizes it doesn’t have to be one or the other, that he can find a way to make both things work, being a hunter and having a normal life. The bunker though is a first step in this direction – the brothers still hunt, still live on the road or in creepy motels, but they now have a place to return to.  Another aspect of 8x14 is Dean’s interaction with Ellie. She is clearly Dean’s type and interested in him, still we have his raincheck-comment. Though Dean was in the middle of a case when she approached him this comment could also be seen in a way that Dean is no longer interested in casual sex and longs for something more. (Though we do see him having casual sex in later seasons, this might be because the show continued longer than original intended. A lot of the conflicts that have been resolved in season 8 are introduced again in season 9 and 10. For every step forward there were two steps back, because the story continued and needed conflict. Still season 8 works as model how the show might end one day.)

In season 8 we also see Krissy again. The last episode with her ended with Dean giving her dad the advice to stop hunting and try to live a normal life with his daughter. In 8x18 we find out that they actually did for a while, until Krissy’s father was killed by a vampire for revenge. Just as Sam couldn’t outrun his past in Stanford, Krissy learned the hard way you never stop being a hunter. She and some other kids then start working and living together with Victor, in a way we haven’t seen before. They still have a somewhat normal life – having a home, a family, going to school – while being hunters (or hunters in training) at the same time. Just as Dean tried to find some balance between his life with Lisa & Ben and his life as hunter, those kids try the same thing. Victor explains that being a hunter doesn’t mean you can’t have a life – you don’t need to live on the road or have no family. Sam thinks his approach isn’t that bad, that what the kids have is better than everything they had in their childhood. Dean on the other hand thinks children shouldn’t hunt at all and that the way they found some sort of balance won’t work out in the end – both times he speaks from experience.  Dean of course was hunting as a child as well and we know that in the past he referred to that time as something he wanted, how he embraced the life, how in the end the story became the story (a central theme of season 10). Here though he openly acknowledges how messed up his childhood was because of it, how it ruined him and his brother, and tries to make it better with Krissy and her friends. The part about finding balance refers to his year with Lisa and Ben and how it all broke down. But Krissy’s situation is different – everyone is aware of the risks the hunting life brings with it and furthermore can protect themselves. They actively chose this life and all the consequences, and even after they found out how Victor was involved into their parents death they make the choice again, concentrating on the good things that happened because of it (finding a new family). The reason they came together was horrible, but what made them stay with each other was what they found in between. Both Dean and Krissy taught each other a lesson: Dean showed Krissy that hunting isn’t always about killing, that there is more than a black-and-white-morality, while Krissy offered Dean a new way of hunting, one that includes a home and stability and everything he still secretly longs for.

Season 8 ends in many ways like season 5: Sam is about to sacrifice himself for a greater good, whereas Dean finally found a home (the bunker) and love (Cas). Of course Dean and Cas story isn’t finished yet, and if we assume Cas is Dean’s romantic endgame they won’t become canon until the very end.  Still, season 8 framed them as lovers and Cas became human in the end, removing one of the greatest obstacles why they can’t be together, after a season of tragic interspecies romances. And when the show ends one day it is quite possible we get a similar scenario once again (though I personally prefer one where Sam doesn’t die).

As I wrote before season 9 and 10 deconstruct a lot of the positive development we saw in season 8. Season 8, as a potential last season, was about resolving problems, but as the story continued the writers created new ones instead. This starts with Dean letting Gadreel possessing Sam and therefore creating a new break in the brothers relationship. With the MoC-storyline on the horizon the first half of the season slowly isolates Dean from every meaningful relationship in his life. And next to his brother Cas is the most important to him. At the end of 9x03 the now human Cas, instead of becoming part of Dean’s new domestic life, gets kicked out of the bunker. This happens to keep Sam safe; just as in season 8 we see the toxic part of the brothers relationship destroy every other relationship they have outside their family. This is even more illustrated in 9x07. We see a part of Dean’s childhood that shows him in a different perspective then the one we have seen him before. Throughout the seasons it has been hinted before that not only Sam but Dean as well had dreams of his own, dreams that didn’t include being part of the family business. The anger Dean felt towards Sam in season 1 results in the fact that unlike his brother Dean never lived out those dreams, as he was caught in a wrong  sense of loyalty and therefore thought Sam’s actions were selfish. But here we see glimpses of 16-year-old Dean, who wants to be a rockstar or mechanic instead of a hunter, who wants to go with his girlfriend to prom, and doing all the things every other boy his age does. He craves normalcy and it is only later after he realized he could never have that, that he rewrote his own story, and claims that the life he has (as a hunter) is the only thing he wants. The apple-pie-life he once wanted became the one thing he despised, and here we learn that the reason for that might be regret after all. Because even if it was only for a short time he had this life once. And it also very clear why he gave it up – not to become a hunter, but because he couldn’t leave his brother alone. He gave up his own dreams for the sake of his brother, just as he now gives up Cas for Sam. 

9x04 takes a closer look on the bunker and how each of the brothers defines home. During the course of the episode it becomes clear that Dean unlike Sam sees the bunker as their home. This has already been established in 8x14; Dean had decorated his room, made it his own, was nesting. Sam on the other hand was more interested in all the books and artefacts the men of letters had collected. Which is why it is no surprise he calls the bunker here the place where they work, not their home. He tells Dean that unlike his brother he never had a real home or at least no memory of it, and that the few times he tried to make himself a home it didn’t end well. A great theme during the Carver era is that of finding balance. At the beginning of season 8 we found Sam who gave up hunting completely, living a normal life. When he started hunting again he gave up all his hopes and dreams for that apple pie life; he was either all in or all out, but never found the balance to manage both. Dean on other hand did in some ways, or at least tried. Unless Jessica and Amelia Lisa was aware of Dean’s past as hunter and for a while they tried to make both work, Dean’s job as a hunter and his desire to have a family and a home. And even though it didn’t end well for him too, he is still in a position where he can call the bunker his home. Yet just as Sam he thinks his chance to have a long term relationship are over, though there is more than one occasion where it shows he still longs for it.

One of those can be seen in 9x08. Ironically the episode where we see Dean having casual sex for the first time since forever is the same that shows us that this is something that Dean doesn’t satisfy any longer. During their investigation of the chastity group they talk about why they want to give up (casual) sex, and even though both Sam and Dean pretend to be interested as part of their hunt, Dean might tells a bit of the truth as well.

> **Dean:** _Sometimes, it just makes you feel bad, you know? You’re drunk. You shack up. Then, it’s the whole morning thing. You know, 'Hey, that was fun.’ And then, 'adios,’ you know? Always the 'adios.’_

Always the adios. Dean enjoys sex, but it is clear that he longs to have more than just one night stands, that he craves to be with someone he doesn’t have to say goodbye to. This becomes even more significant if we consider that one of the reason Dean can’t be with Cas is Cas constant leaving. We know that Dean has prayed and reached out more than once to Cas in season 8, first in purgatory and later while Cas was under Naomi’s control. Cas ignorance to his prayers just confirmed something to him he always feared deep down: that everyone he loves will leave him in the end. Season 9 reverses the conflict; Cas can finally be with Dean, but this time Dean has to send him away. 9x06 brought in a way an end to their relationship; Dean saw how Cas had managed to build something for himself, that he was supposedly happy. He decided that Cas should have his chance for happiness rather than to drag him back into their supernatural mess. Dean of course isn’t aware how much Cas suffered, enough to led Ephraim to him. Dean gave up Cas out of love (and guilt), believing his new life would made him happier than being with Dean. It is under those conditions that Dean has sex with Suzy. The sex itself (or what we see of it) is neither romantic or sexy; both Dean and Suzy repeat lines from one of her films, which makes everything staged. And unless the way he reacted with former love interests Dean shows no special interest in Suzy after their kidnapping. Of course he wants to save her, but among all the other victims of Vesta there seems to be no bonding between Suzy and Dean, we didn’t even see them saying goodbye to each other. It is clear that whatever more Dean is searching for he couldn’t find in Suzy.

One hunter who did find what he was looking for is Garth. 9x12 marks the final appearance of his character, and we learn two things about him: 1) he became a werewolf and 2) he got married/found a family. It is interesting that only after he turned into a werewolf Garth was able to find the love and safety of a family, a place where he belongs (because even in the hunter community he was somewhat of an outsider). Garth’s new status as werewolf portrays another duality that has become a theme within the show (and especially prominent since the Carver era): that not all monsters are bad, some even act quite human, and sometimes humans are the real monsters. Garth had to find a way to live his life as a “monster”, a way to control his urges, and to survive in a way that would hurt nobody. Given that this is the first episode since Dean took the MoC Garth’s story parallels Dean’s future journey. One of the reasons Garth was able to control himself was his new found family. They gave him a home, safety and comfort, and accepted him the way he is. The love of his family is what kept Garth from becoming a monster. The theme of family of course has been one of the most important within the show and has been explored countless times. Over the course of the seasons we learned that family doesn’t end with blood and that what makes one part of a family is that they take care of each other rather than sharing DNA. Garth’s family might be unconventional, but so has been Dean’s family over the years. At the end of the episode Dean comes to terms with Garth’s new life, and understands that love and happiness can be found everywhere and not just in a white-picket-fantasy. 

> **Dean:** _Well, hey, you said it – you know, who cares where happiness comes from? Look, we’re all a little weird, we’re all a little wacky – some more than others – but…if it works, it works. You got something here. Okay? Even though they are werewolves. Or lycanthropes – whatever. Don’t let that go. Okay?_

Dean’s dream prior season 6 had been the life he finally got to live with Lisa and Ben. In the end it didn’t work out, not if he was still willing to hunt. Dean buried this dream then once and for all, believing he could have either one life or another, but never both. But now things have changed: with the bunker they finally have a home, a place they can call their own and always return to. And their final encounter with Garth showed Dean that a family and a home are still in the cards for him, that happiness can be found everywhere, and sometimes it needs an unconventional approach for it. 

9x12 marks the last episode in season 9 that features the theme of Dean’s longing for a domestic life. The second half of the season is determined by Dean’s growing struggle to fight the MoC. With Dean’s own decay and slowly turn to become a demon there is no longer room to think about those things. The whole of season 9 shows us a Dean who isn’t truly himself; in the first half it is because of his constant lies to Sam and Cas and everyone around him, in the second half he is under the influence of the mark. All of the positive development we have seen him made in season 8 seems to become null and void, instead he takes two steps back, starting with continuing the co-dependent relationship with his brother in 9x01 with allowing Gadreel to possess Sam.  In the long run the break with his brother helps both to evolve a healthier relationship with each other, though we only see the results of this in season 11. And along with the new stability between the brothers the themes of home and commitment are brought up again more prominent in season 11. 

Season 10 as a whole is very similar to the second half of season 9. Dean is under the influence of the mark and its violent urges. After Dean gets cured in 10x03 he starts to fight the mark as best as he can. During his struggle the theme of home and family is put into the background; instead we see a Dean who slowly but surely isolates himself from everything and everyone he once held dear, afraid to hurt them again and that he will fulfil Cain’s prophecy from 10x14. It ultimately ends with Dean’s request to Death to kill him or lock him away somewhere safe. Over the course of the season Dean is never truly himself; first he is demon, later he bears the mark. Because of this he struggles with his own identity, forcing himself to be his old self in 10x10 and then trying to act different in 10x11. Neither works. He questions all his actions and desires, whether they are truly his or influenced by the mark, and so does the viewer. Still we do get glimpses of the real Dean, a Dean who opens up and is honest with himself. There is a similar vibe to season 3: just like back then Dean’s imminent death overshadows the season. The MoC-arc is portrayed in a way that is very reminiscent to someone who suffers from a terminal illness. With the knowledge that his life might end very soon Dean expresses his desire to want more while at the same he does nothing to achieve it, believing it to be pointless.

The season starts with demon!Dean and ironically enough we do get a lot of hints to Dean and the domestic life in the first three episodes. 10x01 starts with showing us a Dean who is absolutely carefree. He is not evil per se, but rather freed from all the responsibilities and self-imposed repressions of his old life. He has a fling with Anne Marie, a waitress he met in a bar. Many noticed that she looks very similar to Mary and actually not like Dean’s usual type he preferred in the past, brunettes. She did seem to genuinely care about Dean. There is an implication that Dean as well was subconsciously reminded of his mother here. He suggests they could go somewhere, indicating that perhaps he longs for something more than a one night stand. The Mary references continue in 10x02; the song Dean starts playing at the piano is “Hey Jude”, the same song his mother used to sing him as a lullaby. In the same episode Dean gets also called “grandpa”; it is not the first neither the last time someone calls him old, but yet another reminder that most men his age have settled down and started to have a family of their own. It is in 10x03 while Dean gets cured that he calls out his father and his abusive way to raise his sons.

> **Dean:** _Dad? Oh, there’s a prize. There’s a man who brainwashed us into wasting our lives fighting his losing battle!_

It is the first time since 3x10 that he openly criticizes his father; in 3x10 it was within a dream, now he is demon and no longer cares what anybody thinks about him. The references to Mary remind us of the home Dean once had and that, even as a demon, he still longs for this and the safety and love his mother/home represent to him. On the other hand he calls out his dad and therefore identifies the reason for almost all his struggles. It was his father who raised him to become a hunter, who brought him up in a way that he became so utterly dependent on his family it is still hard for him to form meaningful relationships outside his family. His father denied him a real home and treated him in a way he thinks he is not worthy enough anyone’s love and devotion. On a whole the Carver era can be seen as a coming of age story for both brothers; both come to terms with who they are and what they want. In order to do so they have to look back at their past and break apart their co-dependent relationship to develop a new healthier one. Instead of portraying demon!Dean as simply evil, the show decided to make him a much more ambiguous character. His carelessness is both a curse and a blessing; it leads him to hurt everyone around him, to the point where he almost kills his brother, but in the same time he displays an honesty we hardly ever see with the real Dean. Human Dean has learned to repress his feelings and desires, the needs of others always came first. Demon!Dean might act totally selfish but for once Dean is able to openly express the trauma of his past and that he wants and deserves more from life. In terms of Freud’s psychanalysis you could refer to demon!Dean as Dean’s id, without a super-ego to control it. Whatever Dean said or did in his time as a demon, you can’t deny it is a part of him, even though a very dark part, that he is usually able to control (and that is very similar to how we saw several soulless people act in season 11). His desire for a home and a family are still there after he gets cured, but as he is struggling with the mark they seem no longer relevant to him.

In 10x12 we temporary see a cure for the mark: Dean is de-aged and the mark is gone. Throughout the episode Tina serves as his mirror: they meet at a bar, exchange stories about their childhood and bond over their shared experiences. Just as Dean Tina gets turned into a teenager. But unlike Dean Tina doesn’t get turn back. And even though the brothers offer her to find another way, she declines. Instead she sees her de-aging as a second chance to relive her adulthood and as a way to not repeat the same mistakes again. She asks “Everybody wants a second chance, right” and though Dean doesn’t answer it is clear he agrees. If he could turn back in time he would do things different, and not only would he reject accepting the mark. The fact that both Tina and Dean agreed that their childhoods were crappy implies that Dean would try to rewrite his childhood and adolescent as well, trying to find a better life for himself and his brother. 

The theme of second chances is repeated in 10x16. Within the episode we see Dean confessing to a priest: what starts out as a way to find out more about their case quickly turns into a real confession. With his imminent death in the back of his mind Dean looks back at his life and all the things he hasn’t done and the regret that causes.

> **Dean:** _Now. Recent events made me think I might be closer to that [death] than I really thought. And I don’t know; there’s things, there’s people, feelings that I-I want to experience differently than I did before, or maybe even the first time._

It is clear that Dean longs and dreams about a life that is different than the one he is currently living. He doesn’t exactly ask for something more, but wishes to experience the things and people he has in his life in a different way, and some of them even in a way he hasn’t before. Essentially Dean has what he wants – a home in form of the bunker and a family in form of Sam, Cas and Charlie. But he wants to have them in a different way. I don’t think this applies so much to Sam and the bunker as it does to Charlie and especially Cas. Dean has made the bunker his home already and at least within the episode his relationship to Sam seems to be okay (their fallout comes later), though it is interesting that he expresses those wishes to a priest, a stranger, but not to Sam. Both his relationships to Charlie and Cas could change in the way that he wants them to move into the bunker, to be surrounded by his family. Charlie though has been presented from the beginning as someone without a stable home; neither did she express a desire to settle down, nor did Dean ask her to stay. Cas though is a different story. Cas constant absence and Dean’s desire for him to be around have been a major theme of season 8. After Cas became human Dean’s first instinct was to tell him to come to the bunker; he regards Cas as family and the bunker as the place he truly belongs. But it is not until 9x22 that Cas finally moves in, after breaking terms with heaven for good as it seems. Still, after Dean’s supposedly death Cas is far away from the bunker once again, either helping out heaven/Hannah or trying to find a cure for Dean. Even Metatron asks Cas what his mission is in 10x18, as it is clear that he is running away from where he truly wants to be. 10x18 then ends with Dean surrounded by his family in his home. While the show at same time reveals that Sam made a deal in secret with Rowena and with knowing what lies ahead for Dean, the image of the four being together becomes that of a last supper, especially considering Charlie’s death and Dean’s decay that follows. But back to 10x16: Dean not only expressed to experience certain things and people different, but some of them of for the first time. We do know that Dean already had a home and a long term relationship in the year he spent with Lisa and Ben. His wish to feel certain things for the first time could imply that Dean realized his relationship or more so his love for Lisa wasn’t real; that he was rather in love with the idea of her than with Lisa herself. So it could mean he wants to experience genuine romantic love for the first time. Or if he was indeed in love with Lisa it could mean he wants to experience those feelings for the first time with a man. Ever since season 8 Cas is the only character who is constantly framed as Dean’s love interest. At the same time there have been numerous hints to Dean’s bisexuality, the most obvious in 8x13. Therefore it is reasonable to assume Dean’s desire to experience certain things for the first time could refer to his wish to experience love to another man, Cas, in form of a long term relationship. Of course Dean is only able to express these wishes to a) a stranger and b) at a time he thinks he is on the brink of death. Which of course is the reason why he doesn’t act on them.

Season 10 ends as the complete opposite to everything Dean wishes for: Charlie is dead and the men responsible for it try to destroy his home/burning down the bunker. He almost kills Cas and is on the brink to kill his brother. After leaving the bunker he gives up his first home as well, the Impala. Dean’s decision to kill his brother is based on their co-dependency and their inability to let each other go. He has no longer a home and his family is either dead or broken to a point Dean thinks they can no longer be repaired. And this of course is illustrated once again when the dysfunctional family relations help release the Darkness upon the world.


	15. Dean and the domestic life - Part IV

**Dean and the domestic life - Part IV**

Start reading [here](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299926162/you-dont-ever-want-something-more-dean)

**[Part I: Season 1 – 5](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299933582/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-i)   
[Part II: Season 6 – 7](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299938692/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-ii)   
** [Part III: Season 8 – 10](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299943997/dean-and-the-domestic-life-part-iii)

 

**„You don’t… Ever want something more?” – Season 11**

As I wrote before season 11 brings back a lot of themes we have seen in season 5 and season 8. The mytharc is very reminiscent to season 5, whereas the emotional journey of Sam, Dean and Cas repeat season 5 just as much as season 8. Sam is the center of the mytharc; at the end of season 5 he sacrificed himself, and he almost did the same at the end of season 8. His visions in season 11 tie him once again to the mytharc and it is possible in order to defeat the Darkness he has to sacrifice himself again. Dean as well is tied to the mytharc, but with his connection to the Darkness opposed to Sam (just as their status as Lucifer and Micheal’s vessel made them opponents in season 5). Once again the theme of family and home is brought back to the surface. Cas has cut down his connection to heaven, just as he did in season 5 and tried to in season 8. We see him portrayed in a very human way, implying he might become human again at the end of the season (as in season 5 and season 8), but this time maybe because of his own choice.

The domestic theme in season 11 is associated with the word “life”, and it is clear that when one of the brothers uses the word they mean another life than the one they have, a better one. We first see it in 11x02 during Sam’s prayer scene. He is trying to make amends for the role he played in releasing the Darkness; he made his peace with dying in the course of it, but wants something more, something better for his brother.

> **Sam:** _And if I have to die, I’ve made my peace with that, but please Dean deserves better. Dean deserves a life._

This is very reminiscent to the scene we saw in 8x14, but instead of Dean wanting something more for his brother it is now the other way around. It is clear that whatever they have Sam doesn’t define it as a life. This goes way back to 1x16: Sam’s original plan, once they had killed the Yellow Eyed Demon, was to go back to his old life, to be a person again. Sam still doesn’t see the life of a hunter as a real life. In 10x18 he told Charlie that he had abandoned his plans to get back to his old life, to go back to school and become a lawyer, but has accepted in the meantime that his life as hunter has become his new life, that he made his peace with that. And Sam knows his brother well enough to know Dean won’t give up being a hunter. So when Sam speaks about a new life, a different life, it still includes hunting. But it doesn’t stop there. Their lives shouldn’t be just about hunting; instead it is about finding balance between the things they long for (a family and a home) and the things they need to do (hunting).

11x03 repeats the theme of a new life for Dean in form of a young woman who tells Dean (after believing he might flirt with her) to “get a life”. It is debatable whether Dean actually tried to flirt with her as he was trying to find Cas, but nevertheless the woman believed him to be and the scene was framed like this. Therefore it is quite telling that Dean not only gets rejected by a supposedly random hook-up, but furthermore gets the advice to gain for something more, a life.

11x04 displays the theme of Dean and the domestic life at large. Of course 11x04 is a very specific episode, mainly because of the way the episode is structured and the unique point of view. Supernatural is in general a very plot driven show, and in favour of the plot the emotional arc gets cut short ever so often. Though we do see the brothers talk about their issues, a lot of the emotional arc is told through parallels, usually in the motw-episodes. In 11x04 we do instead focus on scenes that are not relevant to the actual plot (the whole motw-aspect takes only place in the second half of the episode), but rather serve as a further characterization of the brothers. We do see scenes that would have been cut in every other episode because they do nothing for the plot, but rather explore the emotional journey of the brothers.

We start the episode (after a great car washing scene) with Sam and Dean’s drive to the possible case. We learn that Sam replaced some of the beers in the green cooler through smoothies. We do know that Sam, unlike his brother, prefers to eat healthy. But replacing the beer through something much healthier could also be a hint to Dean’s light alcoholism. Sam wants Dean to get a better life, and that includes trying to make Dean give up some of his old unhealthy habits. Though Dean protests at first he later empties the cooler himself, to make place for the Nachzehrer’s head. This new approach to a healthier way to live comes together with the image of healing. We learn that some time passed since 11x03, long enough for Dean to develop some cabin fever. His bruises have faded and he tells Cas that his only job right now is to heal. Instead of working one case after another Dean takes things more slowly, he allows himself and others to heal. 

The next stop is in front of the roadhouse. Dean is eager to spend some time there, whereas Sam prefers to do some research in a diner nearby. The brothers are portrayed in a way we are used to: Dean who wants to have fun, spending the night in a bar, maybe looking for a one night stand, and Sam who is interested in none of this. Ironically enough the night ends for both brothers different then how they expected. Dean refers to it as “mistakes were made”, though we don’t learn what kind of mistakes. Still it implies his night of fun didn’t turn out as expected. Sam on the other hand ended up with a woman, Piper. The image the show originally has created for them is reversed. And it leads to this wonderful exchange:

> **Sam:** _I tried to give her my number. You know what she said?_
> 
> **Dean:** _“We got tonight. Who needs tomorrow”?_
> 
> **Sam:** _Is everything a Bob Seger song to you?_
> 
> **Dean:** _Yes. Well … [ sighs ]_
> 
> **Sam:** _It was nice knowing you, Piper._
> 
> **Dean:** _Piper? That’s awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we’re lucky we still get that at all._
> 
> **Sam:** _Really? You don’t … Ever want something more?_
> 
> **Dean:** _I’m sorry, have you met us? We’re batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs._
> 
> **Sam:** _You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But … Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?_
> 
> **Dean:** _Have you not heard a single word Bob’s been singing about? […]_

Sam tried to give her his number. Sam who knows better, knows that with their life a relationship is almost impossible, yet still he tried. Because he wants more, because he craves for a better life. Ironically the song Dean refers to illustrates exactly this; the song describes a man who is tired of one night stands, who wishes for more, but in the meantime takes the little he can get. So as it turns out Dean hasn’t listen to a single word Bob said, at least not when it comes down to “We’ve got tonight”. But the most interesting part is Sam asking his brother if he doesn’t want more from life. Because he continues a conversation they had the last time in season 5. And though we did see glimpses of Dean’s desire to have more, most of the time Sam wasn’t around to see them as well. By openly asking Dean Sam brings the subtext of the past seasons into the text again. And even more so, he redefines the kind of life he wants for his brother. Just as Dean Sam realized that the domestic life Dean had with Lisa and Ben won’t work. Dean can’t and won’t stop being a hunter, and even as he tried to find a balance he still put them in danger, something he won’t be doing again. Sam is longer talking about a white-picket-fantasy, “not marriage or whatever”, but instead of the possibility to find some domestic bliss with another hunter, somebody who knows the life, who understands. And within the episode we get to see another hunter who would fit the bill: Cas. During the episode we see him in contact with the boys several times, trying to help, and finally providing them the information they need. The whole time he acts like – guess what – a hunter. We’ve seen Cas acting like a hunter before – in 8x08 and 9x06. In 8x08 he tried to cut his connection to heaven, in 9x06 he was fully human. Now he is no longer tied to heaven again and acting very human indeed. It is clear that when Cas becomes human again (and I think on the long run his arc is heading that way) he will become a hunter and work together with the brothers. We know that he understands the life, that just as Dean he was raised to be a soldier and prioritised his duties before his own needs. Both still struggle with that state of mind, slowly unlearning old habits, and accepting that it is okay to want things, to want more. Dean also knows that Cas is more than capable to defend himself, and from the times the both of them hunted together we know they make a great team and have each other’s back. Of course there is the possibility the show introduces another love interest for Dean, but within the episode it is already dismissed. Dean brings up Heather, another (female) hunter he had interest in. But Heather never texted back. The message couldn’t be clearer. Dean of course denies any interest in a domestic life. But if the past showed us one thing it is that what Dean says and he actually wants are two different things. He didn’t found the good times at the roadhouse. Heather didn’t return his texts. The one who did though? Cas.

It is even within the episode that we learn that Dean lied to Sam when he said he has no interest in a domestic life. During Sam’s vision we see John Winchester again. And though it is either Sam’s subconsciousness talking to him or someone who really isn’t John it is quite telling that vision!John sits in the same place as Dean usually does when he tells Sam he never wanted this life (the life of a hunter) for his sons. Furthermore he is not the John Sam remembered but a younger version, around the age the brothers are currently. Dean dismisses Sam’s vision, telling him it was a dream, and reveals he dreams about his father regularly.

> **Dean:** _We’re all in the car. I’m sitting in the driver’s seat, dad’s sitting shotgun. But there aren’t any shotguns. There’s no monsters. There’s no hunting. There’s none of that. It’s just… He’s teaching me how to drive. And, uh, and I’m not little like I was when he actually taught me how to drive. I’m 16, and he’s helping me get my learner’s permit. Of course, you’re in the backseat, just begging to take a turn. We pull up to the house – the family house – and I park in the driveway, and he looks over and he says, “perfect landing, son.” I have that dream every couple of months. Kind of comforting, actually._

Dean’s dream reveals that he does indeed thinks about a domestic life. He remembers the home he once had – the family house – and imagines how his life could have been if his father hasn’t become a hunter. This is different than his djinn-dream in 2x20. He doesn’t mention his mother, which implies that Mary still died in this dream reality. What changes is his father – instead of raising them as hunters and becoming their drill sergeant along the way he decides to raise them as normal kids. In this reality Dean learns driving at the same age everyone else does instead learning it much more earlier like he actually did. Dean was allowed to be a child. His dream implies that what ruined his life wasn’t his mother’s death but the way his father reacted to it, his decision to raise his sons as hunters. Dean has been by now in the same role – he was a father to Ben – but he was very willing to not repeat the mistakes of his father. He tried his best to make sure Ben and Lisa wouldn’t be part of the hunter side of his life. He repeated that with Krissy, giving her and her father the advice to live a normal life.  He is at a point where he can openly admit that their father did wrong to them, that there is more to life than hunting, that there are more important things. He has rearranged his priorities and this will hopefully play out once he gives the domestic life another chance.

The episode ends with this little exchange:

> **Dean:** _Let’s go home. [ Sighs ]  
> _
> 
> **Sam:** _You know what? [ Pounds dashboard ] We are home._

Dean refers to the bunker as home, Sam to the car instead. Both are true: the car was their first home and will remain their home whenever they are on the road. But now they have another home as well, a real one, they can always return to, with someone waiting for them (Cas). The car represents the home of a hunter, the bunker represents the domestic life. Both can exist next to each other, one doesn’t devaluate the other. Both Sam and Dean can remain hunters but are allowed to want something more, and possible find it. 

With bringing the topic of a domestic life back to the main text it is quite possible this theme will be featured more prominently this season, with Sam and Dean (and Cas) finding some sort of balance. I do think (or should I say hope) that this domestic bliss (having a permanent home, finding love in form of a long term relationship) is something I see the show is aiming for the ultimate end. Til then the brothers have to overcome their personal struggles as much as whatever kind of apocalypse is waiting for them. But once the drama is over, once the show ends, we will see them getting their happy end. They deserve it after all.


	16. Thoughts about Spn 11x07

**Thoughts about Spn 11x07**

SPOILERS AHEAD!

So… I’m still not sure what creeped me out more, the bunny or the clown. Hands down, the way they edited it, with that music, really freaked me out. And poor Sam, of course he was the one who had to walk into the killer clown (nothing on this show that had to do with clowns ever helped Sam getting over his fear but instead I think helped him developing a serious trauma by now… I’m with you Sam).

Donna… I think it is impossible not to love her. I just really like her character and Brianna’s performance, there isn’t much to add. The only thing that bothered me was bringing up her weight again and her diet. Like the first thing Sam said was “fat sucking Donna” or something like that. And Dean just looked kinda offended on her behalf, which I loved. And was interested in her diet? Trying to lose some pounds yourself? The thing is, Donna is such a great character on her own, we don’t need a reminder of her struggle with her weight or bringing it up as a subplot, along with “new” Doug and how she probably still feels insecure when it comes to her body. Like Donna deserves everything good in the world and this Doug seemed to be a good guy, but I wish we would have that storyline without mentioning her diet. 

The other thing about Donna is, that she is now officially a hunter. Obviously it only requires 3 cases, 2 actually because she wasn’t aware of the supernatural when Dean and Sam first met her in 9x13. So now she has a similiar role like Jody, only less tragic because thankfully Donna doesn’t need a tragic back story wound to become a hunter. There is quite a change how officers of the law have been part of the narrative. The first three seasons they were more or less the enemy, except a few occasions where they learned the truth and helped the brothers. But mostly, from their point of view, the Winchesters were criminals. And then we had Victor Henriksen, how hunted them down. He did learn the truth in 3x12 and I think there was the implication he might have become a hunter as well (or hunter/agent) if he didn’t had died. And then this storyline was kinda dropped until Jody came along, who is now (like Donna) a hunter/sheriff. I do like this concept; they have now an inside (wo)men who can call them whenever needed and might help them clean up some mess (kinda like Darryl in Charmed). And yeah, we still ignore that they were on every most wanted list in season 7 and no officer ever seems suspicious about that.

The most interesting part to me was Donna’s comment about the young man Doug had to kill, that he was a victim as well, acting like a puppet. It reminded me a great deal of [@dustydreamsanddirtyscars](http://tmblr.co/m4J6yls3rYvF2fUHLnY_jJQ) meta about Pinochio and puppet strings. All of team free will are somehow puppets to someone or in one way or another prisoners and no longer fully in control about themselves. Dean is a puppet to the Darkness/Amara, being unable to hurt/kill her. Sam is controlled by his visions or rather what he wants them to be. Cas was under Rowena’s control first and is now controlled by his PTSD (I do hope the show adresses this again and it is not a one-episode-thing). They all in some ways do or did carry out someone’s else will. The other rather interesting aspect about the motw was the dark family secret revealed. The second after the truth about the Darkness and God in the previous episode. Again one sibling betrayed the other. Chester was locked away as well; as a ghost he was locked in the afterlife, unable to let go, seeking out revenge. There is a good chance this is somehow connected to Sam and Dean. Both the mytharc (the Darkness/God) and the motw (Chester and his sister) work as parallels for the brother’s story, not each other. And yet, instead of keeping secrets Sam opens up to Dean and tells him about the cage. I found it really intersting that Sam still believes his visions are from God rather than even suggesting there might be another option. Dean of course doesn’t like Sams implications at all, and who can blame him? With the cage open, with Lucifer free and Sam saying yes his own worst nightmare would come true again. But Sam is a stubborn son of a bitch and he already made his peace with dying (and this season already had so many references to a possible Winchester death, and most of them are linked to Sam). I’m not a huge fan of this development. We will see.


	17. Thoughts about Spn 11x08

**Thoughts about Spn 11x08**

As always BEWARE OF SPOILERS!

So zannas might be my new favourite supernatural beings on the show. It is impossible not to love them. And I really hope they come back.

This was a very Sam-centric episode and told us a lot about him but also about his relationship with Dean. Their first interaction was just hilarious. Also apparently Sam (& Dean) get up really early? It seemed like this was supposed to be just a normal day for them until Sully showed up; why can’t they sleep in? Or did they had some plans? (More importantly: Where is Cas? Is he in the bunker? Did he see Dean in his robe? ) I get why Sam didn’t saw the amount of (very colourful) food at first: the man is barely functional without coffee. I can relate. (Is the food real though? Does it have calories? Could it be a solution for the hunger crisis in the world?) But once Sully showed up Sam never really questioned his existence. He had already read the lore about zannas, that’s why he found the book so fast, so he probably had figured out at some point that his imaginary friend as a child was real. Dean of course is a lot more suspicious; Dean never had an imaginary friend. Of course this could be simply explained with the fact that Dean never had a childhood; he stopped being a child the night his mother died. And in a way Dean and Sam were both lost childs, though for different reasons. But I think Dean had to grow up too fast, was forced to be a parent for Sam as well, to ever have an imaginary friend (but if he would have totally have Weems as an imaginary friend… or maybe Sparkle). Sam was allowed to be a child; we know he only learned about monsters when he was 8 and I think in the flashbacks of this episode he is suppoused to be 9. So the idea of becoming a hunter still appears to him like a great adventure. But I think rather than becoming a hunter (which is so untypical for young Sam) he just wanted to be together with his dad and his brother. It wasn’t so much about hunting then missing his family and feeling lonely (the reason he longed for Sully in the first place). I think this might be also the first time in Sam’s life someone mentions the idea he could be anything he wants, that he doesn’t have to become a hunter. We saw this wish reappearing in 4x13 and we know that ultimately Sam left his family and the family business to fulfill his own dreams in Stanford. 

Sully tells Sam that he thinks one of his biggest mistakes was to let Sam go, so he could become a hunter. But Sam became a hero and saved the world. Sam says he does no longer thinks about running away (re-establishing his comment from 10x18 that he made his peace with the hunter life) but I still don’t think that is entirely true. Sam has accepted his life as hunter and with that his role in defeating the Darkness, even if it means sacrificing himself again. But the question is how much choice does he has left? He tells Dean at the end that he sees no other way and right now Sam’s visions are the only possible clue how to defeat her. But Sam’s decision is forced by guilt, by his wish to make things right again. Sully’s final words suggest that he thinks Sam should open the cage again, but then again Sully might have just said what he thought Sam wanted to hear. His wish was to give his children what they need to make them feel better - he would have sacrificed himself for Reese, he let Sam go as a nine year old because he thought that was what he wanted and now he tells Sam something to strengthen his courage. And this is why Dean’s words were so important - telling Reese that Sully had made a horrible mistake, yes, but it is not who he is. Sully is one of the good guys, even ready to die for his mistake, and that is why he didn’t deserve to die. His regret is real and so is his pain. But there needs to be another way to make atonements then to die. And Dean’s words are meant for Sam. Dean has been down the same road so many times that he knows exactly what guilt can do to a good man. It’s another great parallel to season 5 (and yeah, I’m repeting myself here, I know), but it’s something I always disliked about 5x22 and the Kripke era, that the supposedly end would have involved Sam’s ultimate sacrifice, that the only way to redeem himself was to die. And in the same way the theme of apple pie life vs hunter life is brought up again. Sam says he accepted his life as hunter, but asked Dean in 11x04 if he doesn’t want more from life. It’s the same mindset we have seen in season 5.

There is of course the great way Dean and Sully come together. It’s no surprise Dean is a bit jealous; he realized he wasn’t always there for his brother, not the way Sam needed him. All Sully cares about is Sam’s happiness (which makes him Sam!girl number one), because after all that is his job. I think no parent or sibling could be as perfect as the zanna are to their children, but that is okay. But we know that Dean often defends their childhood, claiming it wasn’t that bad, when I think in reality he knows how horrible it was at times. The fact that Sam was lost enough for Sully to appear just confirms that. And Sully of course filled Dean’s role for a great part. At the end Dean shows gratefullness that Sully was there for Sam when Dean couldn’t, accepting that Sam can have more than one person to guide him. That is problem the brothers faced a lot of times: they are so dependent on each other that is hard for them to accept one of them has a relationship outside of their family unit. Jared said that Sully plays a similar role in Sam’s life as Cas does for Dean (minus the homoerotic subtext of course). Cas is in a way Dean’s imaginary friend. He appeared at a time when Dean was lost, estranged from Sam, and needed guidance. Though we saw a lot of interactions between Sam and Cas in season 10 Cas will be always Dean’s best friend. Dean can confide in him in a way it is hard for him to do so with Sam (because he still regards Sam as his baby brother that he needs to protect, though he has made progress in that aspect). Just as Sam could tell Sully things he could tell nobody else (like his wish to run away). We saw Sam’s jealousy (towards Cas) in 8x23. I think part of devolping a healthier relationship will be to accept to share their brother with others and I also think we are going that route already. 

And did I mention I love the zannas? I think this is the first time we see a creature that is completly good and has no ulterior motive. All they want is to help their children. And for a show that deals with so many dark themes it was rather heart-warming <3


	18. Thoughts about Spn 11x09

**Thoughts about Spn 11x09**

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Well, this was… weird. The pacing was all wrong and over all I had the feeling they tried to cram as much plot in as possible. So much happened, but i felt it had no real substance? Like they were only discussed very briefly, when in fact you could have expanded the plot of the episode to at least two episodes. Seeing that 11x10 will probably work as a second part to this episode some questions will hopefully be answered. Still I wish some of the plot would have been already brought up in earlier episodes. It was a lot to take in, and rather fast, and like I mentioned the pacing was all wrong.

So let’s talk about the actual plot here.

WHERE WAS CAS? What is he doing? Is he alright? I need to know immediately.

This episode is simply divided into Sam’s and Dean’s story. Both entcounter their own worst nightmare in a way and both Lucifer and Amara are framed in the same way. In Sam’s dream/vision at the beginning we see Lucifer tenderly stroking Sam’s face and Sam leter reveals he felt calm during it. this of course is a reminder of Dean’s first meeting with Amara; she held his face as well, saying she felt calm. Both try to seduce the brothers, more than that, they try to become one with the respectice brother.

Sam’s meeting with Lucifer was creepy at least but had a lot of undertones refering to sexual abuse/harrasment/rape. This is of course an image they had used before. Not only Sam’s time in the cage but Dean’s time in hell as well have been asscociated with rape. Which is still very problematic. Within the show’s history it makes sense to bring it up again, but that doesn’t mean I liked it in the first place. Lucifer’s big reveal that the visions came from him wasn’t that much of surprise. It has been hinted all along, I think even before the season started, when we first learned about Sam’s visions. The bigger question to me is indeed where is God in all of this? He has to show up at one point, right? Also, where was Micheal? He had to be in the cage as well. We can’t bring up the cage without talking about him as well. And of course Lucifer looked like Nick which doesn’t make any sense at all. Of course Mark Pellegrino is the actor we most associate with Lucifer, but within the cage Lucifer should have been in his true form. Maybe it was just the way Sam saw him? Maybe Lucifer used his powers to show himself like that, knowning Sam would remember and fear that face? Also Rowena’s fangirling was a bit ridicolous. Was Lucifer able to transport Sam to the cage because she messed up the sigils on purpose or was it really just the caracks in the cage? (Is Rowena/Lucifer the new hip ship now?)

Dean and Amara then. Amara for most of the episode acts like a child who doesn’t get what she wants. All of her questions to the priest were kinda strange. Of course she questions the nature of religion, but her believe system to say so resembles that of a child. She doesn’t get what she wants so she destroys all of her brother’s toys. Of course consuming the souls gets a new meaning. She says the souls live on forever in her. It made me wonder though if God does the same thing, once a human dies and his soul travels to heaven? In Christianity it is believed that the soul is immortal and lives on forever; if God as an immortal force consumes those souls he would make sure they live forever. Amara talks about her plans, that her creation would have been better, and that once she is finished every human is filled with bliss. Does it mean she intends to consume every soul? (And within the show’s mythology we learned that souls are a source of power) What she seems to ask is why did God create a world full of pain? This is of course a [very old question](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FTheodicy&t=ZjBhNWUxNTQ4MDVlZWRjNWNkZTdmODBlZTg1MTAzOTM2YzI4YzY2NCxuRmVMdFdrUA%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134946349897%2Fthoughts-about-spn-11x09&m=1). If Amara had created humans would she have created them without souls? Because it is the souls who bring pain; without them one is able to feel absolute bliss (as seen with Sydney). Though not all humans reac that way. Furthermore it is part what makes us human to be able to feel pain. Without we wouldn’t know what happiness, what love is. You can’t know light without darkness (this of course would mean the solution is to might find some sort of balance between God and Amara?). The kiss between Amara and Dean was… something. It seemed like she had tried to consume his soul as well, only she couldn’t. Because he has no longer a soul? This was already speculated after 11x05, though I don’t believe that’s true. Dean doesn’t act like a soulless person. So what is it that stopped her? Was it her connection to Dean, their bond? She wants to be reunited with him, that much is clear (something [@dustydreamsanddirtyscars](http://tmblr.co/m4J6yls3rYvF2fUHLnY_jJQ) has been predicted since forever because she is obviously psychic). Why is that? Why does she need him? Sure he released her, but it is only gratefullness? I doubt that. There is something about Dean and the time they spent together she longs for. So what if in the end Sam says yes to Lucifer and Dean becomes one with Amara and this way the brothers fight against each other? Honestly I don’t like this option; it would be season five 2.0. 

I don’t think Sam will spend the rest of the season in the cage, though Lucifer might be released in order to release Sam as well. Still curious about Cas; when all of heaven decided to fight the darkness it surely didn’t involve him. And it seems Amara will win against the heavenly host; does that mean all angels are gone? (Except Cas and Lucifer and Micheal) Or do they just lose a lot of power? Again, where is God in all of this? We will see. Hopefully 11x10 will make more sense.


	19. Thoughts about Spn 11x10

**Thoughts about Spn 11x10**

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

Well, this was a wild ride. Singing. Dancing. Disco(-fighting). What more could you wish for?

There was quite a lot about this episode I really liked. So far this has been a really strong season, with a lot of good episodes, except maybe 11x09. Interesting enough this episode continues where 11x09 ended, so we see the same themes and characters, but I think this episode was both better written and directed. Though a lot of things happened, I never had the feeling it was too much. The pacing was thankfully right again and not a minute of it was boring. 

So let’s take a closer look at the themes and characters.

I admit I still wasn’t sure how to interpret the Christmas part from the promo and if we would actually see it in the episode. Turns out we did and more than that, it actually made sense. It also explains how Rowena could have been found, something that wasn’t quite explained in 11x09. Honestly I thought she was too clever for that, so it makes sense that in fact she wanted to be found (and in a way it feels like Dabb filled the plothole Bucklemming left, though that plothole might have been deliberate). 

**Sam / Lucifer**

Instead of torture Sam and Lucifer took a nice trip down the memory lane. Lucifer of course knows how to manipulate people. I wouldn’t even say he lied to Sam. Still the way he choses his words, the way he tells the story (which fits in nicely to the bigger theme of storytelling), to get what he wants, is really fascinating. He tells Sam that he has gone soft, and that everything changed after Dean and Cas went to purgatory. That Sam is no longer the man he used to be: he didn’t look for his brother, he didn’t close the gates of hell, and he saved Dean from the mark despite knowning it would unleash the Darkness. On a greater scale this is of course Sam or the show in general in the Kripke era vs the Carver era. This season had a lot of callbacks to season 5 and the grand story. And the way Lucifers tells the story it suggests that Sam took a turn for the worse in recent years/seasons. But Sam disagrees and I’m really thankfull for that. Of course everyone has their favourite seasons, and while I liked the Kripke era a lot, to me the changes Carver did to the show are good and improved it. 

The old Sam was ready to sacrifice himself and to do everything to save his brother. Does this mean that the Sam in recent seasons has become soft, or more so, selfish? I don’t think so. Sam’s decicion not to look for Dean was him letting go for once, breaking apart the co-depency. In contrast saving Dean, no matter the consequences, is what literary brought the end of the world. Even Lucifer called him out on his unhealthy relationship with his brother. Sam who no longer is willing to sacrifice himself to save the world? That is actually a good thing. Because the whole Kripke era was about Sam trying to redeem himself, to become pure again. And it would have always ended in his martyr death. Carver era is about finding balance, about finding a way to live with your very own darkness. Sam and Dean are still heroes, but they slowly learn that they don’t have to carry the world upon their shoulders to do that. Sam is still ready to make the hard choices. But on his own conditions. For a character, whose autonomy has been abused so much, this a big step.

**Cas / Amara /Ambriel**

First of all, I loved Ambriel. Also I wear similar glasses, so I could totally cosplay her. It is always intersting to see Cas interact with new angels, seeing the reputation he has among them. Both conversations Cas has, with Ambriel and Amara, play into the theme of Cas feeling unloved (though I will talk about that a bit later). Ambriel of course dies. Though it is intersting to see that when Amara consumed a human before she didn’t kill them, but instead just took their soul. She says she took Ambriel’s grace, but that wouldn’t have killed her. Angels can live without their grace, they just become human. But more intersting than that is the fact she didn’t kill Cas. Not because of his connection to Dean, but to God. Cas is in many ways God’s chosen one, his many resurrections told us that. It is also implied Amara knew who Cas was because she took Ambriel’s memories with her. (And the memories of the other angels as well? Did they all die?) So she still doesn’t know about Cas’s connection to Dean then? Meaning she has no gain over his memories? She wasn’t able to consume him in 11x09. Still, she was in him for a long time, but despite that seems to know very little about him. Also Amara was, while not killed, weakened. Interesting. Certainly heaven will play a role in her destruction. Also the visual of the darkness floating back to her was stunning.

**Rowena**

I will miss her. A great deal. She was a very fascinating character, a great villian, and while everyone was debatting whether Crowley would survive or not, nobody had her death in the cards. I was certain Lucifer would kill her, once their conversation started, but overall was this story element really surprising. It’s been written before that season 11 is very intersting from a feminist point of view, with a female coded big bad. Amara’s story is that she suffered from the abuse of her brother (and honestly we still don’t know if she is enterly bad… so far she is chaotic evil, but nothing more). Rowena’s story mirrors hers in many ways. It already starts when Crowley of all people asked her why she helped Lucifer and what ever happened to her idea of a coven/ girlpower. Sam said no to Lucifer because he didn’t wanted to be his bitch. In a tragic way Rowena became his bitch instead. Turning to a men for power, maybe even protection. It becomes even sadder when Rowena’s backstory is explained in the end. Her whole transformation started because a man she once loved, she trusted, turned on her and left her to die. Love is weakness she learned. So she swore to never love again, not even her own child, a constant reminder of what has been done to her. Even this child enslaved her in the end. Intersting though Crowley didn’t kill her right away. Not just because he wanted to know the truth, but I think because in the end he couldn’t. Not really. It doesn’t matter anymore. Rowena who swore to never trust a man again, who became so independent, who never needed protection from a men again, died the one time she did. The way Lucifer abused Rowena’s power and devotion makes him the real villian in the end, not Amara.

**Castiel**

Be still my beating heart. So much sadness. Castiel’s arc of feeling unloved started of course much earlier. First heaven made clear he is no longer one of them, and his short conversation with Ambriel reminded him of that. So he turned to the only family he has left, Sam and Dean. Now I don’t want to blame them. I think they were both so caught up in their own mess they didn’t see what was going on with Cas. First Metatron told Cas he isn’t important to the Winchesters, now Ambriel. The fight in the cage? Hit another raw point. Because Dean only looked after Sam. And I think this fight was deliberately choreographed this way. Both Sam and Cas have been asked the same question. Now Sam has come a long way. In 8x23 he was on the brink to sacrifice himself. Why? Because he questioned Dean’s love. Now Cas is doing the same. The difference of course is that Cas instead of Sam doesn’t get reassured of his place in their family. Nobody told him he is valued. Nobody told him he is loved. The Winchesters aren’t big on words or showing their feelings. Again, I don’t blame Sam or Dean. I think a lot of things came together for Cas to make this decision: his ptsd, both from being under Rowena’s curse and Dean’s attack in 10x22. That despite living in the bunker there is still an isolation between him and the brothers. The fact that he is no longer welcomed in heaven but still he is no human either. The reputation he has in heaven; someone who is a threat to other angels instead of someone who always tried to do the right thing. The constant doubt others spread in his devotion to the Winchesters. So he says yes. To save the world. He gives himself up. Ready to die for them, but not knowning if they would do the same for him.

I’m really curious about this new development and when Sam and Dean will find out. Cas’s line - “That could be a good thing” - the one everyone believed the real Cas would say? It is Lucifer!Cas. Intersting as it certainly looks a bit… suggestive. Reaaaaaaaaaaally curious how Dean and Cas relationship will develop, as long as Dean is unaware it is actually Lucifer. I wonder if Lucifer only took Cas vessel - Jimmy - or if Cas is in there as well? Could Lucifer have access to Cas’s memories and emotions? (Is that why he flirts with Dean?) No matter what we will see a scene where Dean fights to save Cas, and in true Winchester fashion he will use the power of love. *___*

Also big kudos to both Ruth’s and Misha’s acting <3


	20. Thoughts about Spn 11x11

**Thoughts about Spn 11x11**

**SPOILERS AHEAD!**

Was this episode even real? Or did Robbie once again wrote some fan fiction (including awesome female OC’s) and disguised it as an actual episode?

There was so much to love about this episode, so I’m starting with the one thing I have to critisize: you don’t casually drop in a Patsy Cline tribute band and then don’t play any Patsy Cline (maybe they tried though but couldn’t get the rights).

So, where to start? The Monster of course. I like the myth/legend of the banshee and the thematical connection to a broken heart. This is also one of the few times we saw a mythological figure that isn’t American, but Irish instead. Though I have to admit, I didn’t like the CGI that much, but whatever.

**Mildred**

Oh Mildred, I loved her so much. Being in a Patsy Cline tribute band, crushing on Dean (are there any Dean/Mildred fics there yet?), let’s be real, I am Mildred. I also didn’t mind at all how she objectified the boys and practically reversed the male gaze because a) it happens to women all the time and b) it wasn’t in a offensive way. Her whole conversation with Eileen was pure gold. Also she didn’t even blink when Sam told her he and Dean are hunters, with the best explanation ever: they are too cute to be FBI. Of course the best part was her saving the day (along with Eileen… they can become their own hunter team *_* ) and giving Dean some good advice: follow your heart. I think this is something Dean heard before, but maybe for the first time he seems to listen. And of course Mildred figured out Dean is already pining for someone else (and I will talk about that in length later, trust me). She really was a well-rounded, great character. And not the only one.

**Eileen**

There was so much I loved about her as well, and I really hope she comes back. And while she is not the first disabled character on the show, she is still kinda unique. Bobby became paraplegic and Pamela blind because of supernatural reasons. Eileen of course as well - through the Banshee - but at such a young age it is almost as if she was born that way. Bobby eventually got magically cured, throwing away any potential his story as a disabled character had. And then there was a long time nothing. But here we have Eileen - and she kicks ass. And is also MoL legacy. I’m pretty sure that isn’t random - she could have been a normal hunter without a special heritage and the plot wouldn’t have changed that much. So bringing up the MoL certainly means they are gonna play a part in the story again. We know there are still a lot of spells hidden in the bunker and at least one witch who could know how to use them - Oliviette. Also Casifer mentioned a spell as well. 

But back to Eileen, who got her revenge but it didn’t make her feel better. This is the second time a Winchester mentions revenge won’t bring you peace. Dean did it in “Just my imagination” and now Sam. The only one who is currently seeking revenge is Amara, but with the current plot (Casifer) it could be the boys are out for revenge as well and need to be reminded of their own advice. Also Eileen’s mother was a laywer and Sam even mentioned Stanford. So while Eileen chose the hunting life in the end, the boys started thinking about retirement. Interesting.

**Sam**

This episode focused a bit more on Dean, but we still got some interesting insides of Sam as well. His encounter with Lucifer still haunts him and especially their little trip down memory lane and Lucifer’s accusation he let Dean down in purgatory. Now I personally don’t think that is true - instead he broke apart their unhealthy codepency. So why bring it up now? Sam’s guilt already led him to make a fatal decision - sacrifing himself in order to close to gates of hell. He still sees his year with Amelia as one of his biggest failures and even though it is clear Dean has forgiven him this guilt will play an important role in the future. Sam said he is ready to make the hard choices - and I’m afraid this is heading towards him making sacrifices again. The other issue this episode circled around was retirement - Sam points out they should be happy to live long enough to live in retirement home. He says again that a normal life is no longer what he dreams about - something he mentioned in “Book of the Damned” already - but also that his current life (as a hunter) only works as long as Dean is around. Sounds like codepency again. In the end though he keeps the flyer from Oak Park, so there is some positive development. Also: Sam speaks ASL, yeah. 

**Casifer**

Feeding birds in the park. As you do. Smiting angels. As you do. I like that they brought Lucifer back as character, but mostly because I like the way Misha plays him (nothing against Mark Pellegrino though), as Lucifer who also pretends to be Cas (and forgets to call). I’m not entirely sure what his plan is here - actually I got no clue at all - and that exicites me. What was he looking for in the bunker? I doubt it was a spell or that that would be working on Amara. He also doesn’t seem to be in a hurry in beating her, so he most defenitly has other plans as well. I think it is also worth rembering that Lucifer once had the MoC as well, so his connection to Amara could be similar to Dean’s connection to her. He immidiately spoke of attraction - takes one to know one. So when he urged Dean to tell him everything it was of course to learn more about Amara - but about Dean as well. The fact that Dean wanted to keep this hidden from Sam? Lucifer is going to use that. The fact that Dean keeps secrets from Sam, but also that he trusts Cas enough to let him know.

**Dean**

This was a wild ride on the Dean feels train. And the destiel train wreck. I’m pretty sure Robbie is trying to kill us all. 

So Dean, unlike Sam, thinks about retirement. The last two seasons mentioned quite a few times that the boys are not getting younger - especially Dean - but this time is different. Dean openly acknowledges his yearning for some peace - and there is nothing wrong about that. He gets some good advice from Mildred - follow yor heart - who like him spent her days traveling, making people’s lifes better (with music though), but knew when it was time to settle down. And of course Mildred looked right through when it turned out Dean is the vulnerable one - the one with the broken heart. Because Dean is pining - and he has been for quite some time. Now the question is not whether or not that is true - it is - but more who is Dean pining for? Who do you love? 

I think the episode was written ambigious enough that some might believe it is Amara. Dean’s attraction to her was mentioned. Also the banshee attacked vulnerable people - Dean’s connection to her makes him vulnerable. But the guy who worked at the retirement home was vulnerable because his heart was broken - and I don’t think that is the case with Dean and Amara. He specifically mentions how his connection to her scares him- there is nothing romantic here. So why became the guy with the broken heart a victim? The guy with the ex wife who sent him emojis? The make a parallel to Dean and Cas. Cas who didn’t call. Who seemed a bit off. Cas who always leaves, but is still the one Dean turns to when he needs someone to talk, especially when he can’t talk about it with anyone else. 

I think in the end Dean started wondering as well who or what could have caused his broken heart - his unwanted longing for Amara or if Mildred was right after all, that he is pining. So while I think the destiel subtext here was more than obvious, Dean’s connection to Amara could lead some viewers astray. 

All in all: Great episode.


	21. Who do you love?

**Who do you love?**

I know everyone and their mother has already talked about this, but yeah, here are my thoughts about what exactly Dean lost sleep at the end of 11x11.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

First of all, let’s take a look a look at the banshee and her victims. She attacks the vulnerable, but the definition of vulnerable is quite open. She attacks both people who are physically and/or emotional vulnerable. Both Mildred and Harold (I think?) were ill, therefore physically vulnerable. Eileen’s father and Arthur were emotionally vulnerable. Eileen’s father had lost his job, Arthur was in the middle of a divorce. 

So why did the banshee attack Dean? He is clearly not ill and in good health. So the reason why she became his victim must be his emotional vulnerability. But who or what is it that makes him vulnerable? I have written in my review for the episode that it was written ambigious enough to consider two options. But on a closer look only one makes sense.

The key of course is Mildred, or rather her comment that Dean is pining. It serves as an explanation why the banshee targeted Dean. It doesn’t even matter if this statement is true (imo it is), because the moment Mildred mentions it, the audience will wonder: who is Dean pining for?

 **1)** **Amara.** The episode reminded us once again of Dean’s connection to her, in fact he is the one who brought it up. Certainly does this connection make him vulnerable, in the way that she is a threat to him and he is unable to defend himself (her promise not to hurt him only holds as long as she thinks there is hope for them to reunite and even now she is very cabable to hurt the ones Dean loves). But, whatever Dean feels for her, it is not pining. Pining is associated with romantic love. And here the show explicit calls the thing between Dean and Amara attraction. Attraction? Now that is something physical, sexual, not emotional. And it very interesting to see that it is Casifer choosing this word, regarding the fact Lucifer is the one who bore the MoC the longest (could this be what Lucifer feels for her as well?). Even more interesting, Dean corrects him: instead of attraction he chooses the word connection, therefore he even denies the sexual character of their bond. More so, he specifically reminds us how scared he is by their bond. Instead of romance or even sexual attraction the connection between Dean and Amara is defined by fear, at least from Dean’s point of view.

Dean’s vulnerability is caused by emotion, specifically a romantic one. Dean’s connection to Amara is not at all romantic, but shaped by fear. 

**2)** **Cas.** Remember Arthur, the only other character next to Dean who became a victim because of the heartbreak he suffered from? He was in the middle of a break up. His wife broke up with him via emojis. It doesn’t take much to make a connection to Cas here. He is the only character we know of who is fond of emojis. He is also known for repeatingly leaving Dean. This was just pointed out again by Dean, telling Cas(ifer) he didn’t call or write in days. Arthur regregts his answer to his wife (the poop emoji) and wants to reconcile with her. Dean though tells him he made the right choice. Why? Because Dean suffers again after Cas left him, without writing/calling him in days. 

Dean’s conversation with what he thinks is Cas is what makes him vulnerable. Not so much because of what he talks about (his connecion to Amara) but the fact that he talks at all. We know that this particular topic is something that troubles him for quite some time, so it’s a big step for him to open up about it. Even more as it is clear that he is still not able to share this with Sam. His vulnerabilty is caused by his absolute trist in Cas, and only Cas. 

The choice of words (attraction, connection) makes it clear that Dean’s connection with Amara ins’t about (romantic) emotion. The fact that he talks with Cas about it (and only with Cas), makes it clear that their connection is about emotion, and arguably a romantic kind. 

It’s not only Mildred’s comment about Dean’s pining that sets the tone for romantic love. Dean thinks about retirement and Mildred gives him the advice to follow his heart. The themes of domestic life and a long term romantic relationship are brought up once again, tied again once to Dean, not Sam. And these themes are arguably tied to Cas and his relationship to Dean as well, not Amara.

Tl, dr: While the text of the episode tells us Dean’s pining might be over one thing (Amara), the subtext clearly tells us it is about another one (Cas).


	22. Thoughts about Spn 11x12

**Thoughts about Spn 11x12**

SPOILERS AHEAD!

This was a good episode, though it was interesting in ways of character studies/development, relationships and parallels. The actual case was rather boring; I almost expected some sort of twist and that Alex was somehow involved given the bit we saw in the promo. Turns out her walking away from the feeding scene was a flashback. And I’m glad everyone survived. Overall I think Nancy Won’s priority were really her focus on the characters instead of the motw/plot. So let’s take a look.

**Jody**

Moms real hard. I mean she has always been a mom character somehow; that’s how the show intruduced her. Not in her function as sheriff, but as a mother who had lost her child not once but twice. And something I’m really glad about is that the show never forget about that; I think it is referenced in almost all her episodes. It’s a trauma you deal with your whole life; just like Alex and Claire will be affected by their respective traumas for a long time. I admit I was filled with feelings the moment we saw Jody watching Alex and how proud she was of her. I guess Jody never thought about having another family again; the memories of her first one still too painfull. Yet here she is with two teenage daughters. And yeah, she might be missing history with them. She is not their real mom. Not by blood anyway. But with everything else. As Dean reminds Claire. This continues the theme of family in Supernatural; family that doesn’t stop with blood but doesn’t start there either. Given that Alex for a great part of her life believed an abusive nest of vampires to be her family. And Claire who has been abandoned by both her parents (Jimmy for his holy mission, Amelia in search of Jimmy), which in itself is a whole more complex than that, but how Claire felt for a long time. They’ve been both lost and so was Jody fo a long time until they found each other. 

Also: Jody thinking Sam and Dean are adults enough to help her with the sex ed. What show have you’ve been watching, Jods?

**Alex**

Both Jody and Claire are characters who have been more around in the show, so in a way Alex was the character we know the least about. She turns out doing real good; good grades, nice boyfriend, popular at school, having a good relationship with Jody. She is the good daughter. And in a way she has always been. Within the vampire nest she did as she was told, never questioning (or maybe at some point stop questioning) what they were doing, because they gave her a home, a family. I think when Jody took her in she was probably afraid of losing her as well, of disappointing her. We know they had a rough start. Alex probably tried to scare Jody away, afraid she was going to leave her anyway. Until she released that Jody would stay, no matter what, without requirements. As good as it is to see Alex fitting in, finally finding her place in life, it is also a cruel reminder of everything that was taken from here, of the life she could have had all those years. I do understand her desire to have nothing to do with monsters and hunting: everyone deals different with trauma as this episode taught us. She wants to live a normal life and who could blame her? Yet, in the end she turns out to be the real hero, ready to give her life to save her family. Which I think will be foreshading for either Dean, Sam or Cas (though Cas in a way already did a huge sacrifice to save his family). Also her relationship with Henry, who turned out to be a villian, tricking her to believe he genuily loved her… could this be seen as a parallel to Casifer and Dean? 

I also think that both Alex and Claire parallel both Dean and Sam. Alex is a parallel to Dean in the way that she is the good daughter, trying not to disappoint Jody. Also her wish to distance herself from the hunter life resembles Dean’s wish to have a different life altogether. Though in that regard we can also see a young Sam Winchester in her. 

**Claire**

Oh Claire! Turned out she was right after all, but her story would have been interesting as well if the monsters she saw weren’t real (and some of them weren’t after all). Like I wrote, everyone deals different with trauma. So far Claire had always been a Dean parallel. And Claire who drowns herself in hunting, because there is nothing and no one left for her (or so she feels)? That paints a painfull accurate picture of young Dean probably. And yet, Sam talks to her, on the level of someone equal to her, not superior. From one troubled teen to another. And right now Sam finds his peace also rather in hunting than living a normal life. And than we have Dean, talking to her like a real dad, and probably telling her something he told his brother countless times when they were younger: that she should be gratefull for what she has (also Dean giving Henry that look… I can’t). With the difference that John was an abusive shit and Dean didn’t know better than to defend him (just like Alex didn’t knew better with her vampire mother) and Jody actually deserves all the mom awards in the world. 

There is of course also the fact that Jody and Alex already had a relationship with each other when Claire joined them. She didn’t feel like she belonged in their already existing family, and questioned her value. Sounds familiar? It’s interesting that Cas wasn’t brought up (other than that he is MIA). Did Claire called Cas first? Are they still in contact or have been til Lucifer took over? I think Cas absence in Claire’s life was deliberate. If Claire would have mentioned that he wasn’t calling/texting the Winchesters would knew something wasn’t right and at the moment the plot demands they are clueless. 

**Sam & Dean**

They might be great hunters, but are complete useless in being mature adults. Also they never had a real homecooked meal (and the sex talk… I can’t see John doing it, he probably thought they would figure it out by themselves). I already talked in which ways they parallel Alex and Claire, and there is no worth repeating myself. 

Of course here we have another instance of you can’t outrun your history. And isn’t it interesting that Alex kept the name the vampires gave to her? Instead of going back to Annie. As if she wanted to be reminded of her past, as part of some sort of punishment. And the show asked whether or not she had a choice in her actions. And then she was willing to die for her sins, ready to redeem herself.

This doesn’t look well for the boys.


	23. Thoughts about Spn 11x13

**Thoughts about Spn 11x13**

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Something is terrible, terrible wrong with Dean Winchester. He won at rock-paper-scissors. The world is out of order.

This episode was okay. The theme, the love curse, was interesting for sure (and something right out of a fan fiction), though I would have liked to see how Robbie or Dabb or even Carver would have written the episode. Why? Because I still think the story will end with Dean/Cas rather than Dean/Amara, even though Cas wasn’t mentioned in this episode. One could argue that this episode makes it pretty clear to whom Dean’s heart belongs, except I don’t think it is that easy and the episode allows an ambigious reading as well. It continues thematically what started in 11x11, but I think it is important we had 11x11 aired before 11x13, because 11x11 tells us how to understand 11x13.

But let’s start at the beginning.

**The Harpers/The curse**

The husband who has an affair with the babysitter. Classic. But the wife still wants him back. He betrayed her but she still loves him. I’m not sure if we are meant to see the wife/husband/babysittter triangle as a parallel to the brothers story (and who is the third party? Cas? Lucifer? Amara?) and who would represent who. I think the writers just took a simple enough story to illustrate how the curse works. There isn’t really much to say about them; they were mostly just cardboard characters, only Melissa’s character was explored a bit more. I’m glad she survived and that she did help the brothers in the end defeating the witch. 

**Sam/Dean**

So, let’s get to the interesting part. We start with a very hangover Dean, who might or might not had an one-night-stand. This is at least what the show or Dean wanted us to believe though I can imagine the hickey was all the action he got. Also, Dean was called a dad bod. A DAD BOD. Okay, I had to look that up, because I’m old and not cool, but this is like the most accurate thing ever. This whole Dean chasing after skirts is… well typical for Charmelo/Snyder. They wrote him like this in 10x13 as well, and I wonder if they write him as this macho-dude because they think his characters hasn’t evolved since season 1 or to illustrate something is wrong with Dean and he is heading back to old (bad) habits. Either way Dean is looking for love in all the wrong places. 

Speaking about love: The episode circled around the terms “desire” and “love” and I think it is important to make a distinction between both. While desire is something physical, love is clearly caused by emotion. You can desire someone you love, but you don’t have to love someone you desire. Now the wife loved and desired her husband, and so the husband as well both loved and desired the babysitter (and she him). Which might have been deliberate by the writers to give us the illusion that Dean also loves and desires Amara. But when Sam explains the lore he says the qareen disguises itself as the victim’s deepest darkest desire, no word about love. One could argue a desire the victim is ashamed of to admit. This makes sense when it comes to the husband and the babysitter, seeing that they had an affair. But it could also rely to the wife, who is ashamed she still desires her husband even though she is afraid he longer feels the same about her. And of course Dean is ashamed about his attraction to Amara. But does Dean love Amara? Now, there is something quite interesting the shifter!Amara says:

> _I can see inside your heart, feel the love you feel. Except, it’s cloaked in shame_.

And now this is the bit where I think it is important 11x11, that plays with similar themes, aired before 11x13 (because we know that at least motw-episodes sometimes change in the order how they were supposed to air). Now in 11x11 we talked about attraction and pining. Both things that could have been interpreted within the episode’s narrative as something Dean feels toward Amara. While we could argue about the attraction bit, at least the part about Dean pining for someone is something a lot of viewers stumbled about. At least if we define pining as a longing you feel for someone you are in love with. Because whatever it is that happens between Dean and Amara, it sure ain’t love. Dean made that clear in 11x11 and he repeated it again in 11x13. The difference between 11x11 and 11x13 is, that Cas(ifer) was part of 11x11 as well, and within the motw-arc of 11x11 were a lot of parallels to Cas and Dean and Cas relationship (just think about Arthur and his wife). 11x11 was written ambigious enough that Dean’s pining could be interpreted for both, Amara and Cas. And if we look at Dean’s relationship with Amara and his relationship to Cas, I think it is clear who he is really pining for. (And Cas as Lucifer’s vessel is not relevant so far for this storyline) Back to 11x13 this tells us that whenever circumstances lead us to believe Dean is in love and Amara is brought up, we have to ask if she really is the one his heart belongs to. Because yes, Dean is in love. But not with Amara. And there are enough reasons why Dean could feel ashamed about being in love with Cas. 

So why did the qareen changed into Amara? Maybe it looks only on the surface. Maybe Amara is the one thing that is almost always on Dean’s mind, but not for the reasons the qareen thinks she is. Maybe Amara left some sort of mark on Dean. Maybe her supernatural claim gives a stronger vibe than everything Dean truly feels.

And Sam. I’m so glad Dean didn’t keep it a secret, even though he could have. He opens up and Sam… isn’t surprised. Or judges Dean. Like, I dunno, the whole thing sounded like a weird coming out scene from Dean, with supportive brother Sam. But the best line was this one:

> _Dean, do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter?_

Sam takes the blame, the guilt from Dean. Dean never stood a chance, never had a choice. Now, ironically one could say it is the same with falling in love. The heart wants what it wants. Though it is way more frightening when it comes to Amara. [@dustydreamsanddirtyscars](http://tmblr.co/m4J6yls3rYvF2fUHLnY_jJQ) has written some great metas how the threat the MoC posed didn’t disappear, but changed from an internal to an external force and how season 11 so far plays en large with the theme of losing free will/autonomy. 

Dean denies being in love with Amara. Even if (and that’s a big IF) that would be the case, it would be forced love and not real genuine love. The wife thought she used a love spell upon her husband instead of a death curse and this reminded me a bit of Harry Potter, where love spells (or potions) were introduced as well, just to inform us that they of course couldn’t produce real love, because that is impossible (hell, even the big bad, Voldemort, is the product of a love potion going wrong). In that regard Dean’s bond with Amara feels like the product of a spell as well, contrasted to the real love he feels for Cas. And this of course is only a speculation, but I think the show will go on with telling us Dean is in love, making it look like it is Amara, when in the end it is revealved to be Cas (which could help Cas breaking through Lucifer’s possession and/or Dean breaking through his connection to Amara).


	24. Thoughts about Spn 11x14

**Thoughts about Spn 11x14**

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

This turned out to be… not the way I expected. Like, it’s not a bad episode, but with the the whole premise I expected more. I also feel like not much happened, except of course the big reveal that Cas is possesed by Lucifer, which turned out to be way more anticlimactic than I thought.

But let’s start at the beginning.

**Delphine/The hand of God**

I really like the fact that the MoL have a) worked worldwide or at least in Europe as well and b) worked together with women. Even Dean commented that he didn’t thought they cared about gender equality, given alone the name (which is like the same thing Charlie said…. *uglysobbing*). But then we know that Josie was about to become a woman of letters. Anyway, I really liked Delphine and I wished we would have seen more of her/learned more about her. Was she in the resitance? How did she came across the MoL? And the fact that she believed Dean without doubting a word he said, willing to die, so he could return to his time. Like, we as the audience knew that he said the truth and how important the hand of God is for him, but Delphine? What made her trusting Dean the way she did? What did she saw in him? I’m wondering if she maybe psychic and could feel he was telling the truth. 

I also believe there might be more to Delphine. Why? The warding. We have only seen wardings so far on persons to either hide someone or protect them from possesion. But never one that was connected to the person like this one, where you have to die in order to break it. And there was already a warding on the ship to keep the hand of God safe. Why didn’t they put a second one on the box instead of Delphine? Because I think they wanted to protect her as well. So what if Delphine was a vessel and they wanted to make sure she is not getting possesed? Unaware by Delphine herself as she didn’t knew about angels. Think about it: the only way to use her as vessel is to destroy the warding therefore killing her. But a dead vessel can no longer give consent. (This might work for demons as well… they don’t care if their meatsuit dies along the way but I don’t think they can possess someone who is already dead) There might be also a connection between Delphine and the hand of God. It only worked when she was holding it. Lock and key? I also don’t think Delphine wearing her warding in the same area Amara wears the mark is a coicidence. She is like positive mirror for Amara: Dean has to kill her as well but can’t, though this time not because she has a hold on him, but because she is good person and doesn’t deserve to die. And of course her connection to the devine/God/the hand of God. Of course her special warding could have only been introduced for one of the boys to use it later. I think in some way Delphine and/or her warding will come back.

And the hand of God? I think it will come back as well. Why should it only work once? Maybe it only works at times of emergency, in the right hands (maybe Delphine and the Winchesters share a bloodline? Or maybe they are both vessel, therefore somehow associated with the devine?). Though I’m still not entirely sure why Delphine used it. To save the ship? To save Dean and get him back (but the Casifer appeared)? I get why Dean felt so numb in the end. It wasn’t only about Cas but about everything else that happened or rather didn’t happen. The weapon turned out to be useless (for now), and everyone still died in the end. Everything he did was in vain. Which is why I think the things we learned in this episode will come back/ be usefull in the future. They don’t use 40 minutes for nothing after all.

**Cas/Lucifer**

All the time we wondered how he would slip up/ what would tell the Winchesters they are dealing with the devil and then it turns out he outed himself because playing Cas for more than one episode isn’t worth the trouble. Turns out he is actually interested in defeating the Darkness, but I still wonder why, because after all they have an enemy in common: God. Though Lucifer might suspects Amara isn’t keen on working with him, as he did help locking her up, so he wants to strike first. Anyway, ruling hell isn’t on his priority list and we know he doesn’t care about demons. Still, he has a cute pet (though not killing Crowley might  harm him in the end). So then we had for a minute the promise of Dean and Casifer on a WWII submarine, which was probably one of Dean’s idea for a perfect date for so long. Instead we get Sam and Casifer instead and learn that Cas’s worried face and Lucifer’s annoyed face look the same to Sam. Seriously how come Sam didn’t suspect anything? Because I think Lucifer didn’t put much effort in playing his role this time. And the he quits because he realizes this time Dean is the more valuable Winchester brother. This, and that Dean can’t kill Amara. So I’m pretty sure Lucifer will try to use Dean’s connection to Amara to find and kill her. But the most important thing is that Cas can overpower Lucifer. So I think it is unlikely Lucifer will hurt/kill Sam or Dean, not as long as Cas is his vessel. 

**Dean**

First of, I think Dean knows who Jules Verne was. Second, don’t drink beer in the middle of the day. So yeah, not much happened with Dean. It is like he said, he just witnessed, without being a part/taking action. This might be foreshading to the big fight, where Dean might as well be unable to do anything and can just watch. So let’s focus on the most heartbreaking bit of the episode: Sam telling Dean Cas chose to become Lucifer’s vessel and Dean saying it’s not possible. Does anyone remind this of Dean’s ptsd after purgatory and the memory he created of failing Cas when instead Cas had chosen to stay behind? Cas left him again, and no matter the noble reason he did it, Dean already blames himself. Like he always does. 

I still wonder why they played “ _No, je ne regrette rien_ ” in the end again. Given they talked about the fate of the USS Bluefin and the song is about having no regregts it could mean the people on board didn’t die in vain/don’t regret what they did/die for something they believed in. Unlike Dean who is full of regrets and wonders if everything he did was in vain in the end.


	25. Thoughts about Spn 11x15

**Thoughts about Spn 11x15**

SPOILERS AHEAD!

This was a good episode, even though it had the same tragig ending as 11x14: nobody was saved, nothing was gained. What changed was Dean’s attitude: from being completely hopeless at the end of 11x14 to his promise to keep grinding at the end of 11x15. 

This episode takes place at the world of wrestling, which I admit I know next to nothing about. In my mind this is something very American so I guess it makes sense the Winchesters as the all American boys enjoy it. We learn that it was their dad who introduced them to the world of wrestling, and that this was one of the few times he was acually happy. Now wrestling of course is staged; it’s a show fight where everyone already knows who will win in the end. Could it be John enjoyed it because it promised some sort of control in his life that went so terribly out of control? What about Sam and Dean? In a greater sense wrestling symbolizes destiny: the story is already written and the players act it out. But if we learned one from thing on this show then that you don’t have to be ruled by fate, you can write your own story/ending and break the rules. It might be also a meta-comment on the show: though we know how the story ends (or at least know the common tropes) we still watch it and enjoy it. 

But going back to John, I think it is no coincidence that both John’s favourite wrestler and the father in the crowd who resembled him so much died, both while being drunk. Does it mean the brothers should let go of the past, and let their father die again, this time metaphorically? Or that we shouldn’t put our trust in a father figure, or the father of all, God? 

The wrestlers are described as a family as well, though as one that believes is cursed, and where as it turns out one of their family members turns against the others. There is Sam’s comment that they all look broken and we see Dean having trouble with his back after he tried out some wrestling poses (reliving his youth, wondering what could have been if he stayed at Sonny’s home and in the wrestling team). Another reminder that the Winchesters get older. And of course Sam’s reminder that their job is that different from the wrestler’s job: doing what they think they have to do, without getting paid or some glory; unsung heroes. 

Of course we can’t talk about this episode without mentioning Den’s giant crush on Gunner. The fact that Sam had a crush as well on the only woman in the group made it even more obvious: Sam’s crush was there to mirror Dean’s crush, to show us that the way Dean acted around Gunner was exactly that, with the difference that Sam acually named it. Also Dean didn’t even look at the woman. Gunner of course was more than just a crush for Dean, he served as his mirror. This is set up when they share stories in the bar, and that Dean was able to convince Gunner to do the right thing in the end. And even though Dean knew what Gunner did he called him a good man, a reused his words as a fighting slogan. Gunner of course made a deal with a demon. In the “Keep grinding”-promo was a shot of Dean making devil horns, which I think was missing in the episode (or did I overlook it?). Could this mean Dean will make another deal, maybe even with the devil? To save Cas, beat Amara, or both? Gunner says he hates the man he sees in the mirror, that he is not a good person. Dean might disagree, but we know he thought the same thing about himself. The imporant thing is that Dean reminded him he still had a choice and that it is never too late to do the right thing. And this of course is something he needs to remind himself when it comes to Cas.

Once again Sam reminds Dean that Cas might not come back willingly. Once again Dean tells him he will. Even if he doesn’t know it yet. Why? Because I think Dean will remind him of the same things he reminded Gunner. That he still has a choice, free will. That he still can do the right thing. That he has a family and people who love him waiting for him. Dean won’t give up on Cas. And in the end Sam doesn’t argue anymore, because he knows Dean won’t even consider the possibility Cas won’t return.

The Lucifer-Crowley-part was a bit predictable, I think. I knew it was a trap from Lucifer to get what he want and I knew that of course Crowley suspected as much and had a plan B. So we know now that there is more than one hand of God (in general objects God touched) and that they are all one-hiters. Though maybe just in the wrong hands? Who knows. Crowley is on the run again. And it was as always a delight to see Misha play Lucifer.

One month to pass before the next episode. The promo looked creepy enough.


	26. 11x15 Afterthoughts

**11x15 Afterthoughts**

 

So I’ve been staring at this [gif set](http://novaks.tumblr.com/post/139950871220) way too long and I got really emotional. But also Dean’s line - “Even if he does not know that yet” - is something I found a bit odd at first. But seeing it next to the gifs from 4x01 it does make sense. Because Dean is speaking from experience. He has been there, at a point where he didn’t wanted to be saved, where he believed he didn’t deserve it. But he got saved regardless and had to learn to live with his guilt, trying to forgive himself about what he did (though I’m not he ever will). And this is something so fundamental about Dean and Cas’s relationship - that it started with this very first act of one saving the other. And of course Cas saving didn’t stop there - over the years he saved Dean in more than one way, not just physically but emotionally as well. 

So Dean might remember this particular time, and how he in the end was gratefull Cas saved him regardless. But Dean might be also afraid of history repeating itself. Because the one time it was Dean’s job to save Cas - to get him out of purgatory - he failed. Or so he told himself. Just like Dean back then Cas didn’t wanted to be saved - he thought he didn’t deserve it either. Cas made his choice - staying behind - something Dean couldn’t accepted but instead he created a new memory, proving himself his deepest fear - that he will always fail the ones he loves. 

The show now asked twice wheter Cas wants to be saved or not - even in two consecutive episodes - making this one of the important questions of the season. The other question nobody has asked yet is what if Sam is right and Cas doesn’t want to be saved - does Dean have to right to save him anyway? So far Dean denied even the possibility Cas wouldn’t want to return. But what if? And this is a scenario we had before at the beginning of season 9 - Sam didn’t wanted to be saved, he was ready to die, but Dean saved him anyway. The rest is known.

But it also makes me wonder if Dean knows something Sam doesn’t. The question is of course how can they save Cas. Right now they are digging throught the lore, but I don’t think a spell or something will help - at least not alone. So far we have only seen one person kicking out an angel of a vessel - Sam with Gadreel. And it needed Crowleys help because he alone had the ability to get in Sam’s mind. Now Crowley is on the run again and might join the Winchesters again - after all they have a common enemy now, the same their whole business relationship started with. But while Crowley might be of use, I think what will win Cas back in the en is the power of love. It helped Sam overcome Lucifer, breaking Naomi’s mind control on Cas, and we already saw that Cas love for Sam helped him overpower Lucifer for a moment. Is that why Dean is so certain Cas will return? Because he will remind about love and… love? 

Anyway, I’m really curious to see Cas’s further story. Given the importance of the question the answer might not be as clear as we think.


	27. Thoughts about Spn 11x16

**Thoughts about Spn 11x16**

Arrives three days later & without coffee.

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Soooooooooooooooooo.

I think this episode was okay. For some reason I expected more, some sort of twist maybe, or that it would be intertwine more with the mytharc. I dunno. Just, when it ended, I sat there and thought: That is all? Not to say it was a bad episode. Just that we saw some more interesting motw-episodes this season.

For one thing this episode reminded me how much I miss Rufus and Rufus & Bobby together. Grumpy old man indeed. I really liked how the two time levels paralleled each other. I think it was very clear to see that Sam filled in Rufus role and Dean Bobbys. 

It was also one of the scariest episodes, thank you very much. The sad people will haunt me in my dreams. The concept of the soul eater was very much out of a classic horror story. Every one has heard some noises they can’t explain, especially if you live in a old house. Every kid is afraid of monsters. And of course the soul eater was a very plain metaphor for Amara, because that is exactly what she is doing: eating souls. But the soul eater existed in a place out of time and space, so could this possible mean this is where Amara will end up? Because this realm sounded a lot like the empty to me (and look, Billie will appear in the next episode). 

Speaking about Amara: I saw some people interpreting Sam’s last comment (that it’s comforting Dean saw an image of a dead Sam) that he thought Dean might have seen a dead Amara instead, and given their connection, this would have distress his soul. I admit I actually expected Cas for Dean to see, or maybe Lucifer!Cas. Then again for some reason I thought Misha would be in this episode. But given that one of the victims saw her dead husband, this would have made sense. Especially since Sam is currently not in danger; it is Cas’s life that is on the brink. And the episode started with showing us again how worried Dean is about Cas. 

The most interesting part though was Rufus oldest rule: You can’t save everyone. I think we can interpret this in more than one way: 1. he is right, 2. he isn’t. If he is right the image of a dead Sam (Dean’s vision) and a dead Sam & Dean (Bobby’s vision) could be seen as foreshading. And if we see Rufus as a parallel for Sam this is also a reminder that Sam told Lucifer that he is willing to make the hard choices, willing to lose the ones he loves. But it also Sam who started the season telling Dean that they need to save everyone. And this is exactly what happened in this episode. Both Rufus & Bobby and Sam & Dean saved their respective mom and child. They reverted their own rules. I guess only time will tell which interpretation is right.

Another thing: a queer woman of colour who didn’t die, you go Robbie, you go. Seriously though it’s so easy to add diversity to this show. Robbie already proved this with Eileen, a disabled character. I which every writer would be as thoughtfull about this issues as he is.

Until next week.


	28. Thoughts about Spn 11x17

**Thoughts about Spn 11x17**

**SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! Trigger warning: talking about suicide.**

I really liked this episode. It wasn’t actually what I expected and surprised me positively. There were some really interesting twists and a great focus on the characters and their relations to each other.

There is a segment in the “Then”-part that is almost comically, reminding us that the Winchesters die a lot. Like really a lot. Which of course leaves the audience in a place where we no longer fear the brother’s death, knowning they will always come back somehow. So I, as many others, appreciated the introduction of Billie and her threat that the next day one of the Winchesters die they stay dead. So with Billie’s return I already dreaded the show would go to their usually routine and somehow they would end up making a deal. But not this time. The only reason the Winchesters are still alive is because they never died. And I think this episode really captured the shock, and grief and trauma of losing someone close to you. I think with each of their numerous deaths we forgot the significance of it; it somehow became a cheap effect to cause drama for a short time. And even though we already knew that neither of the brothers would die in the middle of the season this episode brought back the emotional weight of it.

But before we talk about the brothers let’s take a look at the two other characters this episode centered around: Michelle & Corbin. We could also call them Sam & Dean 2.0, because they really demonstrated the damage an unhealthy relationship can cause. Both Michelle and Sam where in a critical state and both Dean and Corbin took desperate measures to save them. Corbin’s “I did what I had to do” sounds an awful lot familiar, because it’s the exact same thing we heard Dean say back in season 9 when he allowed Gadreel to possess Sam in order to heal him. Corbin understood perfectly well that Dean would have never left without Sam because he would act the same way concerning his wife. And so the man who did something monstrous became a monster; what a great symbol. But I don’t think his transformation into a werewolf should be seen as an excuse for killing Sam. Michelle made that clear in the end: he wasn’t a cold blooded killer, he didn’t do it because he was evil, he did it out of love. 

And this brings us back to Sam & Dean. There isn’t much to say about Sam, except how isn’t he dead yet? He was shot, he was choked and yet he still killed two werewolves (and I totally suspected the bartender was one of them) and drove two the hospotal where he killed a third one. I don’t have enough mediacal knowledge to know if Sam could have actually survived the way he did. But remember that moment Dean tells Michelle Sam is still alive? She says “Thank God”, to which Dean answers “Not so much”. But what if though? What if the reason Sam is still alive is that God did intervine? What if for some reason sam is actually the only one to beat the Darkness? (Don’t ask me why or how) We know Chuck will return in 11x20 and I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out the reason Sam is still kicking is because of him. 

Dean. Dean Dean Dean. Let me hug you. Dean who tells Michelle it is okay if he doesn’t come back from the dead. After we heard Sam ask him in the “Then” segment if he has a death wish. Billie pointing out she never took him for someone to commit suicide, as he is more the martyr type. And Dean doesn’t really has an answer for her. Of course he is the first to sacrifice himself to save the world, and even now he wants to trade places just to save Sam. But what if part of him wants to die? What if is he is tired of everything? I think it is really interesting that in an episode where everyone expected Sam to fight Death/Billie it turns out Dean was the one closer to dying. The red shirt should have warned us. This doesn’t look good for Dean because it could possibly foreshade his death in an sacrifing manner. I think he knows how destructive his behaviour is, which is why he didn’t told Sam about it.

And yeah, no Dabb or Berens episode or in this case Dabb/Berens episode without some Destiel subtext. There were two moments that illustrated that quite well. We start with Dean again unwilling to do a normal hunt, instead wanting to use his entire time on either beating Amara or Lucifer or both. And Sam says “We get him back”. No mention of Amara or another hand of God, just this. Just him. Because he knows Deans main focus, his first priority, is Cas. And then the end. Michelle telling Dean that she will never get back to normal after watching the man she loved die. After everything they survived together. And just Dean’s expression. He knows the feeling. Now given the content of the episode this could also apply to Sam. But Corbin and Michelle were a married couple. Their relationship was romantic. Sam and Dean’s isn’t. And losing Cas to Lucifer? I think to Dean this is almost like watching him die. 

Somebody hold me now.


	29. Thoughts about Spn 11x18

**Thoughts about Spn 11x18**

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Newsflash: Dean loves Cas. Just in case you didn’t notice.

Back to the episode. Which was mostly okay. I mean it was a bit wonky the way most episodes from the dreadfull duo are, but nothing I actually dislike. For the most part their episodes always feel like they just want to fill in as much plot as possible and then everything happens in most pretictable way. But that is a problem I have in general with mytharc-episodes, at least this season, regardless who wrote them: there seems to be just plot, plot, plot and all the emotional developement of the characters seems to take place in the motw-episodes. Which is why I currently favour them (the motw-episodes) a bit more.

Anyway. Crowley is back doing deals with the Winchesters. Big shocker. Also back: Rowena. I think they misinterpreted our prayers when we said we wanted our favourite ginger back. Now Rowena working together with the Darkness is no surprise at all. I remember reading a lot of speculation about this before the season started, as it was Rowena who helped the Darkness being released and of course she would turn to something as powerfull as her. I wonder what changed her mind; she seemed terrified when Amara used her powers. Could it be that Rowena as a witch sensed something back then? Did she realize that whatever Amara is is actually evil or filled with emptiness? Whatever it was she immediately changed sides. Now Rowena is on the run from Lucifer, Amara and Crowley probably as well. She has no allies left, which makes me wonder what her next step will be. She is too powerfull that she won’t become a part of the great battle, in one way or another. They also mentioned the book of the damned again, so maybe the reason she is back is simply to lock up Lucifer again in the cage? Though with a potential return of Chuck there might be other ways to deal with him? Don’t get me wrong, I liked Rowena as a character, she was quite an entertaining antagonist. But when she died it felt like her story was told, was complete, there was nothing to add. Right now it feels she is only back because they need her to deal with Lucifer, and I’m afraid what happens with her after that. Please, not another around of the Rowena-Crowley-family-isuesses. 

Not much to say about Crowley, Lucifer or Amara. The episode just reminded us again of their respective goals: Crowley wants Lucifer dead, Lucifer wants Amara dead (and the everyone else) and Amara wants to redecorate earth. No big news. And of course archangel + Hand of God doesn’t beat Amara. I would have been really disappointed if that would have worked; it just seemed to too simple. I’m also glad that neither Amara or Lucifer is beaten yet. The Winchesters speculated that a Hand of God might only work by someone God has chosen; this of course leads to the question who this could be. This could be either Sam or Dean; they are both vessels. Or maybe Cas? Either way, I think it is very likely that whoever kills Amara will with this kill Dean as well, through their bond ( [dustydreamsanddirtyscars](http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/) has written like a million specs about this already, go check out her blog). 

So let’s get to the best and most painfull part of this episode: Dean. And Sam. And Cas. Ugh. This episode was a good reminder that beating the devil of course means saving Cas first. Lucifer, at least right now, isn’t expendable. Because killing Lucifer would mean killing Cas as well. Now we already saw the in the past episodes that Sam and Dean have a different point of view when it comes to Cas. Sam thinks that they should respect Cas’s choice, that Cas might doesn’t want to be saved, that he was aware of the risks and is willing to die if it means beating the Darkness. He also thinks of Cas’s body as a vessel, probably still Jimmy Novak’s body. And that is where Sam and Dean disagree, because Dean thinks of Cas as a person. And that is really important. For seasons this show asked time and time again who Cas is: an angel? A human? Something in between? Regarding Cas situation at the time the answer always changed. But we never ask how Sam & Dean see Cas. So I guess to Sam Cas is still an angel. There is still a distinction between his body (Jimmy Novak’s body) and his grace, which essentially to Sam is who Cas is. Dean though… to Dean Cas is a person. His body is his own. We know since last season that Jimmy is dead and Cas is alone in his vessel, so technically it is his body. To Dean Cas is a whole, body and mind and well soul. Saving Cas means all of him. And gosh, those scenes where Dean tried to talk to Cas, to get through to him. He can not look at Lucifer and not think about Cas. He knows that everything that happens to Lucifer happens to Cas as well. When Amara threatened Lucifer it was Dean calling out for Cas. It was what made Amara release him and Sam from Lucifer’s spell. Amara met Cas before, so she knows that Lucifer uses him as a vessel. And now she knows what Cas means to Dean. While talking to Rowena she said she could sense no kindness in her. If she is able to sense emotions in other people did she sense Dean’s love for Cas in that moment? Is that why she might spare Cas? Or the reason she will kill him as well? 

Cas, for what it seems, has given up. His state of mind seems to be the same as in 11x06. He is waiting for the great battle, because as of right now he thinks this is his only purpose and worth. The only reason he considers expelling Lucifer is because Dean suggested it. So in a way it seems Sam was right: Cas doesn’t want to be saved. People deep down in a depression never want. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t save them anyway. As Dean said: Well, let’s go find that idiot and bring him home.


	30. Thoughts about Spn 11x19

**Thoughts about Spn 11x19**

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

First of all… HUNTER HUSBANDS! Yeah! There was some speculation before when the promo pics were released but of course the speculation the two hunters could be brothers/friends seemed legit as well, and I’m thrilled they actualley went there and made them husbands. But we get to that later.

So the episode… for some reason it felt anticlimatic to me. I dunno. Somehow I expected that either Jesse or Cesar would die, because at this point we kind of used to that (the random mew character dying) and also because well [you know the odds](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Ftvtropes.org%2Fpmwiki%2Fpmwiki.php%2FMain%2FBuryYourGays&t=M2Q1Zjc0MzA5MGRlODNkM2QyYWI3YTM2MmE2M2RjZWRhNTYxMTFhMyxMcGZZRlNxVg%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F143550139542%2Fthoughts-about-spn-11x19&m=1). So I was sitting there, dreading the inevitable when… nothing happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Jesse & Cesar survived but there wasn’t a moment the tension went high or we got an unexptected twist. The sheriff from 27 years ago? No big surprise that he knew about it. And it wasn’t like Dean and Cesar needed the info Sam and Jesse got because they already found where the bisaan were breeding. There wasn’t even a big “aha”-moment during their research because Jesse & Cesar already told them everything they needed to know. It felt kinda flat, which is unfortunate because I pretty much liked everything else about this episode.

There isn’t much to say about the bisaan, other than that I think they are supposed to be a parallel for Amara to some extent. Mainly Jesse’s comment that they don’t care if the vessel they possess is empty. They force themselves upon their victims. Could this be what might happen to Dean? Could Amara force herself upon him, force him to become one with her, until he is no longer Dean anymore? 

So let’s talk about Jesse & Cesar. Interesting enough Jesse’s story works both as a parallel for Sam & Dean and Dean & Cas. Because there isn’t just one but two men he loves: his brother and his husband. Which you know illustrates that you can love more than one person and that yet both of these relationships are very different from another (really Dean, I hope you made some notes). When it comes down to Jesse and his older brother Matt he serves as a parallel for Sam. In the flashback scene we saw that he wanted to get away from his life just like Sam did, that he felt like an outsider. This of course is related to his sexuality, but then again Sam’s whole season 1 & 2 arc about feeling like a freak was in many ways very similar to a coming-out-storyline. Even more so, Matt talks about California, the exact place where Sam was back in season 1 when he finally had left his old life. And just as Matt always accepted Jesse the way he was Dean did the same for Sam. Jesse of course had to watch his brother die (after being possessed by a monster that resambles Amara). His brother, the one he loved most in the world. As Supernatural loves forshadowing as much as using parallels this of course could mean Sam has to do the same thing: watch his brother die. 

There is also the part where the old sheriff revealved that he had to kill his own daughter (which was very likely also the one he loved most). So maybe not only Sam has to watch Dean die but kill him as well? To save the world from Amara? And with this to do what he was supposed to do in 10x23. Sacrificing his brother to save the world. 

But speaking about the old sheriff: Jesse accused him that he killed his daughter and didn’t told anybody about it and the other victis because he was ashamed of what had happened to her. Which of course uses her monstrosity as a parallel for his queerness. This and the fact that he erased her, as Jesse said. I think it is important he used exactly this word, because another female that has been erased and whose story is finally revealved? Amara of course. 

And the best at last, because it is impossible to talk about this episode without mentioning destiel. It starts right at the beginning when the episode shows us how different Sam & Dean react to the events of 11x18. Yes Sam cares about Cas as well, but it’s pretty evident not the way Dean does. Dean who loses sleep over Cas, whose only priority right now is Cas, not Amara or Lucifer, just Cas. And than we meet Jesse & Cesar who turn out to be husbands and just… this isn’t random at all. If they wanted to make Jesse’s story about his brother alone they could have done that. Instead of telling the story about his brother as his hunter origin story/childhood trauma they could have given him an adult brother just to watch him get possesed and to have Jesse to kill him, to make the parallel/foreshadowing for Sam even more on point. Instead they gave Jesse both an older brother and a romantic partner. 

Now in the early seasons of Spn most of the random characters who worked as a parallel for Sam & Dean were either siblings or at least family members or best friends. But you know platonic relationships. Until seson 8 when not only Dean & Cas relationship changed but almost all of the motw-episodes contained a romantic couple (and also most of them with one human & one supernatural partner). Even though this wasn’t as present anymore in season 9 and 10 and the current season it still happens, last time in 11x17. The married couple back then of course also worked as a parallel for Sam & Dean, but still it is important to notice that they chose a married couple as victims, not siblings. Why? Because when Michelle back then told Dean she watched the man she loved die and Dean just knows how that feels like he wasn’t thinking about Sam (or well not only about Sam). Michelle was talking about her husband. For a parallel to work it only makes sense then that Dean thinks about Cas, the one he loves romantically. 

If what happened to Jesse’s brother is a possible foreshadowing for what Sam has to witness and/or do, Jesse & Cesar’s story could be what might happen to Dean & Cas, though maybe not at the end of this season but at the end of the show. Two hunters, settling down, hunting together, and one day even leaving this life. It’s no coincidence that Jesse & Cesar are together for seven years because that’s around the time Dean & Cas know each other. And not only did they use a married couple but a queer married couple. And the only question Dean asks? “ _What’s it like settling down with a hunter?_ ” Because that is what he has been wondering about for some time now, and is also concept the show has been introduced already this season in 11x04. The old conflict [the Winchesters vs the apple pie life](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/133299926162/you-dont-ever-want-something-more-dean), the old docrine that you can’t be a hunter and stll have this life, has been shown to be no longer relevant. Bury the idea of having one or another but instead find balance in trying to get both. At the end Jesse & Cesar drive off into the sunset. Dean can’t bring himself to ask them for their help. He just saw his own dream come true, so he gives them the peace he longs for himself. 


	31. Thoughts about Spn 11x20

**Thoughts about Spn 11x20**

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! 

Uff. What an episode. So much to love. So much to talk about. Sorry, but this is going to be long (cookies if you read it until the end). 

**Dean/Sam/The fog of doom**

In this episode it feels like Sam & Dean’s part is just a small interlude, that doesn’t contribute a lot to the story. And that’s all right, because ultimately this episode is about Chuck/God. The more interesting parts are the one concerning Amara, who tie in perfectly to Chuck’s story. 

We start with Dean ironing their shirts, which I think is Robbie Thompson attempt for a “Winchesters just do regular stuff”-episode. I still hope we can get this one day, I would love to see this. Either way, I think it was a nice callback to 4x18, the episode that introduced Chuck, where we saw the Winchesters visiting a laundromat. In over 200 episodes these are the only two times I think we see the Winchesters doing their laundry, so I think Robbie wanted us to make this connection.

Off we go to Hope Springs (there are others who already wrote about the meaning of this city’s name, so I won’t get to that again). The fog worked a bit different this time than in 11x01 and 11x02. For one thing it didn’t start infecting the whole town but just random individual people at first. Enough to might gain the Winchester’s interest? And it also worked different. It didn’t turn the people in rabids but more into higly depressed versions of themselves. 

> _“It was like every negative thought he had ever had came spilling out.”_

The sheriff said the suicide of the first victim didn’t make sense: he expressed feeling unloved even though we know he had a wife who loved him dearly. But this is exactly how depression feels like. It doesn’t matter if you have people loving and supporting you, as long as your mind keeps telling you you are not worthy their love (this also works as a great parallel to Cas’s current situation, why he said yes despite people (Dean) loving him). 

This fits perfectly with what Chuck said about his sister: that she is nothing (as in nothingness). Both Chuck and Amara mention a mirror and finally telling the truth, but it is clear they both mean their individual truth. For Amara it is this:

> _“She says it’s a mirror. She’s showing us all the truth. Darkness. The light was just a lie.”_

One of these dark truths is also what Sam later says, while being infected by the fog: That Dean will choose Amara over him, over everything. Now Sam says seconds later that he didn’t mean it, that it was the fog working on him, but it is still worth discussing. It illustrates Sam’s greatest fear - that Dean will leave him - but could also on the other hand work as some sort of foreshadowing. There is a real possibility Dean might choose Amara, but not because he wants to but because he think it is the only way to defeat her, maybe while sacrificing himself and turning their bond against her.

Dean’s special role has been illustrated once more. He was the only one who wasn’t infected and Amara’s message was that while everyone will be gone this doesn’t include Dean. Whatever Amara’s plan for the world is, and if it is its ultimate destruction, it won’t include Dean.  

Also the return of the Samulet. I actually wanted to know where it was the whole time. Did Chuck pick it up right after 5x16? Was it with Sam the whole time? Also, there are a million theories while it never worked in God’s presence before but I guess nobody thought that God just turned it off. 

I’m really curious to see how the confrontation between Chuck and the Winchesters will work out. They haven’t been God’s greatest fans in the past, just saying.

 

**Metadouche/Chuckles**

I never thought I would write this but I really liked Metatron in this episode. He gave up his sandwich for a dog, this made me almost forget all the dumb shit he has done in the past. **  
**

It was good the episode revealved Chuck is God within the first minutes and not as a last-minute surprise, even though it was funny to see Metatron’s reaction to “Carver Edlund”. But come on, we know since 5x22 that Chuck is God. There have been a lot of theories about this subject since then, whether he is really God, or if he was aware he is God or if he is just a mouthpiece for God. I personally always thought he made himself forget he was God, until the end of 5x22. But know we know he knew the whole time, which doesn’t make him a very favourable character. We do explore a bit we he never intervined, as much as getting some sort of answer how God’s justice system works (fun fact: not at all). The thing is Supernatural could have portrayed God as a hero, a knight in shining armour, who comes to rescue them all. But they didn’t. They created a much more complex, complicated version of him. They made him - ironically - very human. And tell us yet again that the real heroes are the humans, the ones even Metatron admits are better than the angels & God. 

They of course go a bit meta as well: Chuck mentions several of his books/episodes and tells Metatron his other series is called “Revolution”, which of course is the show Eric Kripke wrote after Supernatural. So Eric Kripke is God, then? 

Chuck and Metatron’s conversation mostly centers around the question who God is now, about identity, his past and his responsibility. Chuck tells Metatron from the get go to call him “Chuck” not God. He created himself a persona, a human of all things, and one that wasn’t particalur successful or powerful. No, it seemed to me that Chuck as a human wanted to try out new things, wanted to experience what it means to be a human. (This is also where the fact that God is canonically bisexual (!!!!) fits in  - I think he was curious about the whole dating thing. But from a meta point of view, if they can make God bisexual - which will upset certain people - they can also confirm Dean as bisexual, don’t ya think?)

But I think Metatron is right in the way that he suspects that Chuck is hiding - from Amara, but also from himself. He might say he is disappointed from his creations, but I think the truth is that he is disappointed from himself as well, and/or ashamed for leaving everyone behind. He says he didn’t wanted to be a helicopter parent - and this in a way answer the old theodicy question. The question is the one about God’s justice or why he does let evil happen. Even though Chuck doesn’t mention free will, I think this is the answer why he gave up his responsibility. If you give humanity the ability to have a free will, to make choices (something angels still have difficulty to express) this also means they can make bad choices. And yeah, God can’t be hold responsible for everything (just as a parent isn’t responsible for everything their child does), but with saying nature will fix itself, he takes the easiest route. And Amara? He might didn’t release her, but he locked her away in the first place, so this one is on him as well. 

Speaking of Amara. While editing Chuck’s autobiography Metatrons critizes him for not sticking to the truth, but instead telling a fairytale. This episode yet again destroys the idea of an objective truth - there isn’t just one story but many versions of one and the same story. Chuck says it is his story, not hers. Just the way it has been since creation, because yet again Chuck erases his sister from his story. So everything Chuck says about her might be taken with the fair warning that he is not the most objective viewer. 

Chuck says he is being, whereas she is nothing. Chuck is the light, whereas Amara is the darkness. Does this mean then if Chuck is creation, Amara is destruction? So far it seemed like she wanted to change the world not destroy it. Chuck also mentions that she did destroys worlds before, so earth might not be the first creation of God then. 

Both Amara and Chuck mention a mirror and teling the truth. But it is Metatron who tells Chuck to “ _hold up a mirror and show us who you are_ ”. And it also Metatron who defines God as this: 

> _“You are light… and beauty. Creation. Wrath. Damnation and salvation.”_

Chuck would rather write about his new persona, Chuck Shurley, whereas Metatron confronts him with some ugly truths and tells him to quit the act and return as God (and clean up his mess). Metatron will never be my favourite, but he at least had balls to tell God what he really thinks (and for once we agree with him). Also Metatron knows how much he screwed up in the past, so there is this. 

Another intersting aspect was Lucifer. Chuck tells us two things: 1) he wasn’t his favourite but 2) he isn’t a villian either. I think there is definitely more to the story. We know now that God changed his own history in erasing/rewriting certain bits. So did God not only betray Amara but Lucifer as well? There are three episodes left, so I think it is entirely possible we will see a confrontation between God & Lucifer (and of course God & Amara). 

This brings us to the end. There have been many hints that God is aware/afraid he might die. I think the only one powerfull enough to do so is Amara (though maybe with Dean’s help? After all he kills gods). I think Metatron was right in his suspicion that Chuck started writing his memoirs the moment Amara returned. He is indeed on a deadline. But before this episode and his encounter with Metatron he thought he might die because Amara will kill him and there is nothing he can do about. Now though? We don’t know what he wrote exactly that made Metatron so emotional, but I think he might considers to sacrifice himself in order to defeat Amara & save his creation. One big act after all these years of hiding. 

The choice of “Dink’s song” in the end was therefore quite fitting (and oh so beautiful). It is of course a farewell song. But one that is in its original version sung by a woman: _The song tells the story of a woman deserted by her lover when she needs him the most_ ([x](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FDink%27s_Song&t=ODQ2NTI1MDk3YTI3YzJjNDg5NDZiMTE5MmUzODhmYmJhMTIxMDJkNiw1d1AzOWRJVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F143894668507%2Fthoughts-about-spn-11x20&m=1)). This sounds a lot like Amara, if you ask me. Either way, I think there is a great chance God will die at the end of the season.

> “ _One of these days_
> 
> _It won’t be long  
> _
> 
> _You’ll call my name  
> _
> 
> _And I’ll be gone “_

With God gone, with possibly defeating Amara & Lucifer, with bringing the grand story to an end I wonder where season 12 will be going (if of course this is how the season ends). 

P.S. Petition to rename Metatron from “God’s scribe” to “the angel closest to the door” XD


	32. Thoughts about Spn 11x21

**Thoughts about Spn 11x21**

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

So, this happened. For some reason (misleading promo pics?) I thought we would get Cas back and with this the great Cas & Dean reunion. Nada. I’m pretty sure we will get there, I just hope they don’t cram it in the last 5 minutes of the season finale.

This episode felt a bit wonky. And I know I’m repeting myself here, but Bucklemming really have a problem with the pacing. No other current writer seems to struggle with that, and just… they write tv screenplays for how many years? I try to be objective when I write these reviews and of course this is just my personal opinion and none of the writers are perfect, but this is something that happened an awful lot this season. There isn’t a real flow, like the indiviual scenes don’t belong together, and this is rather annoying while watching the episode. Overall I think there were just too many characters and places of action in it. And yet, despite this it didn’t feel like a lot was happening.

But let’s start at the beginning: Kevin! So he was back. Just to disappear again. I’m not sure why exactly he was there. To give his character closure? Fan service? To draw the line from the last prophet we know to the new one? Is the veil working again or was it just a one-time-thing for Kevin? If the veil works again is that relevant to the upcoming plot? To be honest, I was confused about it. I don’t actually remember anymore what exactly happened with the veil and prophets and so on, because it is so long ago this was revelant. And given that bucklemming likes to mess up the mythoogy of the show (or change them in ways it is fitting fp their episodes) I’m not entirely sure everything makes sense here. It could be, though. I’m too lazy to read about it again, to be honest.

So the new prophet: Did he only got his powers because Kevin was finally in heaven? But Dean & Sam speculated it was because he was contact with godlike power, in that case from Amara. Then again Sam & Dean were in contact with this power as well in 11x20 and Chuck even said they are chosen ones. Could they be activated in some ways as well? Within the episode the prophet was neccessary to locate Amara, because apperently she warded herself against Chuck, which still doesn’t make sense. All season long she was looking for him, even now she was torturing Lucifer in hope God would return, so why would she hide from him? Was Chuck lying? To avoid the big fight a bit longer, because his plan is to sacrifice himself? Or is it just bad writing? This new prophet could be also become a recurring character, and just, couldn’t they have chosen anybody else than an old white dude? This season was more diverse than others, kudos to that, but I really feel we are downgraded from Kevin to Donatello.

One of the best parts was actually right in the beginning: the big talk with the man upstairs. While Sam is a huge fanboy, Dean asks the important questions. Theodicy, the short version. I would have liked it if Sam would have been a bit more critical. We know he is the more religious brother, but even he admitted at times that he had lost faith. Dean on the other hand… I just want to praise Jensen fo his acting in this scene and his choice to let Dean cry in this scene rather than being angry. It gives so much more weight to it. Because Dean’s world just breaks apart. Chuck tells him no to confuse him with John, but this is in a nutshell his dilemma. Because growing up Dean might no had believe in God, but he did believe in his father. Who let him down again and again and again. John was the first absent father, the first time Dean’s heart got broken. Now the stoy repeats itself, just on a bigger scale. And I think it shows that a part of Dean still had hope, had faith left, that there might be a good reason God didn’t help. Now he knows there isn’t. He was there, he was aware, and yet he did nothing. 

Speaking about Chuck: now we know what his last page was about. He plans to sacrifice himself in exchange for the safety of his creation. The big sacrifice? Sounds like 5x22 again. Now [@dustydreamsanddirtyscars](https://tmblr.co/m4J6yls3rYvF2fUHLnY_jJQ) has been speculated for ages that we get a reverse “Swan song” just with Dean sacrificing himself this time instead of Sam. And we might get there. Because Dean & Chuck have been paralled a lot. Chuck, who wore Dean’s robe. Who was sitting at Dean’s  pc, watching his porn. And Chuck even told Dean that if his plan doesn’t work it is up to the humans, the chosen ones, including Sam & Dean. Now Chuck said he is only letting Amara destroying him if she agrees to his conditions, that is sparing his creation. Because her beef is with him, not his world. What though if it is Dean in the end who agrees not to let her destroy him but gives in in letting her consume him if she agrees to spare the world in return? Also, what are the sensations Dean arouses in her? Love? 

I never thought I would write this but: I’m going to miss Metatron. He got his redemptation and just as the one he admired the most (God) he sacrificed himself, given his life for something bigger than himself. Who would have thought.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd Lucifer. Why do we need him exactly? Didn’t Chuck say Lucifer wasn’t involved in trapping the Darkness? Either way, I’m curious the hear the real story, because right now it feels like both Chuck and Lucifer just tell their version of the truth. Still, can’t Chuck just create a body for Lucifer? I want my Cas back. And also of course a conversation between Cas and Chuck.

So, looking forward to 11x22.


	33. Thoughts about Spn 11x22

**Thoughts about Spn 11x22**

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

MY SON DID RETURN FROM THE WAR! HALLELUJAH! Let’s be real here, my only major concern for this episode was do we get Cas back? Yes, we did. Thanks a lot.

And now to the other stuff. I’m not really sure what to make of this episode. It felt a bit crowded and rushed at times. The big fight didn’t feel that big, knowing there would be one more episode to come. I briefly wondered if they might kill Amara, revealing God as the big bad, or just a reality without darkness as the new threat. But now that God will doe Amara has to die as well, to create balance again, I think. Or can a reality without light (God) and darkness (Amara) even exist? Either way, another mark won’t be an option, and I’m glad for that.

The family therapy scenes felt a bit awkward. I think it was supposed to be funny or bizarre or whatever, but it just felt out of place. Like, the world is ending, but first God and Lucifer have to talk about their hurt feelings. Like do they even have feelings? Aren’t angels not supposed to feel? And while God masceraded as a human, he ultimately isn’t one.

All in all it just felt like a big allegory for the Winchesters and their family issues. Lucifer asks Dean if he has any idea what is like to argue with your father if your father is God, and well he does. Because John was to Dean as a God. John justified his choices as things that had to be done the same way God did. And when Lucifer brought up the mark and how God had forsaken him once it had corrupted him I initially thought this was about Dean as well, but to illustrate the difference. Whereas God punished Lucifer, Dean’s family tried to safe him. This might not have been the smarter choice with the Darkness released and everything, but it was the kinder one. But I think Lucifer who had been forsaken by his father once he turned dark, stands in for Sam. Sam who has been forsaken by his father as well, who gave his brother the order to kill him with his dying breath. Therefore it’s no coincidence Lucifer chose Sam’s room, and Sam volunteered to take the mark Lucifer one wore. This is a big callback to the Kripke era, Sam once again willing to sacrifice himself to save the world (and Dean breaking the unhealthy bond by accepting this choice). But then again the Carver era (and yes we are still in it) is nothing but a rewrite of that era. I was really worried for a second season 12 would be just a simply “now it’s sam time with the mark”, which would have been repetetive and not very creative. Glad that option was taken back.

So Crowley & Rowena are back in the team again, which yeah whatever. I think at this point Crowley’s character feels no longer important. Actually I feel like his time has been down for quite a bit, so I would rather hope he goes out with a big bang. Even Dean & Crowley, whatever that thing was, well that ship has sailed. (Though I take it as good sign for Dean that he took away Crowley’s drink). Rowena was more enteraining (she has a thing for men with power, I guess), but even with her I feel her arc should have ended with her dead in the midseason finale. Though it is always handy to have a witch on your team, I guess. I wonder if the time travel spell will be plot relevant again.

My personal highlight of course was the comback of Cas. The part in heaven was rather interesting. First of all heaven still rejects him; they only agreed to help because of God. Second… Cas seemed so resigned, so sad… somebody hold me. His headspace is really that he is just worth something as long as he is useful, as he has a role to play in the big fight. He even admits that Lucifer destroys his angel, that the mission might kill him, but he doesn’t care. And I think that is the real reason the power of love wouldn’t have worked this time. Cas wouldn’t have left Lucifer voluntary, because he believed Lucifer to be more useful. I really hope we get a short scene where we see Cas talk with the Winchester, or just Sam or Dean (well, hopefully Dean) where they reassure him his worh within their family. And that his depression will be adressed in season 12. Because he has been depressed way before Lucifer used him as vessel, and I hope they adress this and deal with it in a proper way and not just magically “heal” Cas.On a side note: why did Amara only kill Lucifer and not Cas? Not that I am complaining, but she doesn’t care about Cas or might see him as a possible threat as both God’s favourite and Dean’s. I wonder if we will see Dean & Cas’s bond in relation to Amara in the season finale. 

So, God and Amara. Sorry, Chuck. This episode confirmed what most meta writers have been thinking all season long: that it needs both, darkness & light, to balance each other out. Without there would be an end of reality. And that of course is the reason why Amara has to be locked away instead of being killed. Is that also the reason why God locked away Lucifer? Killing him would have disturbed the balance? Or killed the darkness as well, as long as he was the bearer of the mark? Or could God just not do it because Lucifer was his favourite? The question is what is really the truth here. Would have Amara really destroyed her brother’s creation? She says she loved him. Or was it really just that he locked her away, so he could become the single most powerful being? Because he wouldn’t allow another equally powerful being in his world? Because if the balance was needed why the need to lock her away? Is Amara really nothingness, the embodyment of destruction, or is that just what God mad of her, when his story became the only story, the ultimate truth? Because it did feel to me that Amara rected in way she thought she was supposed to be. She became the monster everyone made of her. It’s also interesting that she doesn’t fear death, but being locked away again, trapped inside a cage, being all alone again. And if Dean does end in the empty at the end of season 11 as many predicted isn’t that just the same fate? The worser fate than being dead, as it seems. Of course Dean’s bond with Amara was brought up again as well. He did look distressed during her fight with God, as if he wanted to help her/safe her. And once again we are reminded that he can’t kill her, which us why he wants her dead so badly. With all the reminders that Dean is unable to kill her I think this is exactly what he will do in 11x23. (And didn’t Rowena say in the proo for 11x23 that Dean has to become the bomb? Meaning he dies with her?)

Some other questions: How long does it take to rebuild an archangel (asking for a friend). No really, it just felt like a cheap excuse why Gabriel & Raphael couldn’t return. And illustrates why it’s not good to have an all powerful being on the show, that can just do anything. It takes away the conflict.Also hands of God are redudant now. Means this concept was introduced for nothing? Or just as a false lead?And who wardes who here? In 11x21 Chuck said amara warded herself against him, which didn’t make sense as she was trying to find him all season. Now he says he has a ward against her, which does make sense, meaing the bit in 11x21 was a lie.Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Amara looking at the picture of Dean and his mom. What does it mean? There are rumors Mary will return in 11x23 (or at lest her actress). Will Amara use Mary to bring Dean on her side? Bring her back? Or does she try to impersonate her? All the season her bond with Dean was portrayed as romantic/sexual (at least from her POV) so what has this motherly bond to do with it? I’m curious.


	34. "That’s my role in this fight” - On Cas’s role in 11x22

**"That’s my role in this fight” - On Cas’s role in 11x22**

SPOILERS AHEAD!

So, I’ve read a lot of comments and analyzes about Cas and his role/development in 11x22. I’ve seen a lot of criticism about the fact that Cas didn’t save himself by repeling Lucifer and/or that the Winchesters (and especially Dean) didn’t help him along the way through the power of love (as this is a trope the show has used countless times before, see 5x01, 5x22, 8x17, to name a few). Now while I get the anger towards this decision, I also felt that within the episode (and within Cas current arc in the season) this development made sense (I briefly wrote about in my [review about the episode](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/144617766582/thoughts-about-spn-11x22)).

Why? Well, I think Cas answer this question himself.

> _You know every second I spend subordinating myself to Lucifer, it’s been a torment. It’s destroying me, it’s burning through my vessel. But I would do it all over again. Because through me, he and God, they will defeat the Darkness. That’s my role in this fight. It’s God’s fight. You can play a part in that fight too, if you join me._

This marks the only time we hear Cas himself actually talk. And to me it sounds like Cas is in the same mental state he was in 11x18, 11x10 and 11x106. Cas is depressed. He is suffering. And overall he feels useless. 11x10 did a pretty good job showing us how Cas feels, that he was at his lowest point when he said “yes” to Lucifer. 

All season long we have been told that heaven and the angels are no longer a home and a family to Cas. 11x02 starts with the angels torturing Cas telling him he is no longer their brother, that he already made his choice a long time ago with choosing the Winchesters. Hannah might have been the last angel in heaven still on Cas’s side, but then she died as well (and in a manner Cas blames himself for her death). In 11x10 Ambriel stands in for all of heaven when she calls him expendable. 11x18 further confirms Cas’s degree in heaven when they say Cas is a fitting vessel for Lucifer, “ _heaven’s most wanted possesed by heaven’s most hated_ ”. And just when Cas returns briefly in heaven in 11x22 he hears that the angels no longer see a difference between him and Lucifer. They are both fallen and no longer welcome in heaven.

I’ve seen some arguments that it was Cas who convinced heaven to join in the big fight against Amara, and why this is true, I actually felt heaven agreed to help not because Cas was asking, but because God was finally back. They followed their father’s order, followed him into battle, not Cas.

And Cas? He admits that being Lucifer’s vessel destroys him, that in the long run it would have probably killed him. And he is okay with that. He is ready to die, as long as his sacrifice means they have a shot at destroying Amara. And more so, he talks about his role in God’s fight. In God’s script you might say. Season 10 and 11 both had strong themes about roles and stories, how a story became a story, how truth is always individual and not objective. Just in 11x20 we had Chuck saying this is his story, not hers (Amara’s). And we had that theme in 11x22 again, both in God’s talk to Lucifer and his sister. Both times it was about the fact that so far we only had one side of the story, God’s. And we learned that his version of events isn’t always right. The whole Amara-arc is a confirmation of that, because God denied her very existence for millenniums. And we don’t even have to look just at the current season to say that God’s script, the big plan, is bullshit. Just look at season 4 & 5\. Which was destiny (the foretold apocalypse) vs free will. And Cas became the embodyment of free will. So Cas giving up his agency, his free will, reducing himself to play a role in somebody’s else script, becoming nothing more than a weapon/tool, is all kinds of wrong. And Cas sounds so utterly resigned when he says that. 

So, in conclusion, I think Cas wasn’t in the mental state to kick out Lucifer and get his agency back. Cas has currently given himself up. No matter what Dean & Sam would have said it wouldn’t have helped. Which actually is a very accurate illustration how depression works. Because even if you have people who love you, who value you (and Cas has that) the change has to start with yourself. Cas has to learn how to love himself, how to value himself first before he can accept other people doing the same. So for now an outside force had to expell Lucifer. That’s okay. I hope we will get a talk between Cas and the Winchesters in 11x23. But it’s going to be a long run. Cas won’t magically heal over night. And in the past Spn showed us that getting better from your mental health problems is a long process. So I’m hopefull the show takes the time it needs to adress Cas current state and gives him time to heal in season 12. 

 


	35. Thoughts about Spn 11x23

**Thoughts about Spn 11x23**

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Well, that was unexpected. I guess in a world where character death seems to be the only way to shock your audience (yes, GoT, I’m looking at you) the real shocker is when nobody dies. Especially on Spn and it’s long tradition of rotating Winchester deaths. And why I am glad nobody died (let’s say for now Sam is Schrödinger’s cat) this season finale felt somewhat anticlimatic. And it reminded me of 10x23 in the way that a lot of storylines, arcs and forshadowing of the season didn’t pay off. Of course some of it could be adressed in season 12. But I dunno… I feel that earlier finales (actually up to 9x23) finished their respective arcs while introducing a new twist/cliffhanger. This time though it feels more liken an open end than anything else, with more questions then answers. Not bad per se, but just as 10x23 this episode didn’t feel like a season finale to me.

But, as always, let’s start at the beginning. Where everyone except Sam gave up. Which felt strange. I guess the reason at least Dean & Cas didn’t join Sam immediately was the fact that throughout the whole season they have been forced into passive roles/have been told they are not able to help. With Sam who has been built up as the one who needs to fix things. Of course it’s not really surprising that it turns out to be Dean who is the one to fix everything. Rowena and Crowley were just there, and I really hope season 12 gives them both some interesting storylines. I understand why it is handy to have Rowena still around, powerfull witch that she is (and in some ways a deux ex machina) and she is entertaining enough (and Dean imitating her was hands down one of my favourite bit of this episode). Crowley though? I think his storyline should have ended along with demon!Dean, because honestly I didn’t need the Crowley-Rowena connection to make her an intersting character. This season started of with the promise we would see a new evil CRowley and ended up with him licking the floor. Nuff said. Billie on the other hand was a delight, and yes I am a bit curious how she is connected to Crowley. So we will see.

Speaking of Billie: is the big “I toss you into the empty”-threat off the hook or will it be adressed again when we find out wheter or not Sam was killed? I really would have expected that they would bring up the empty again. My hopes rest with season 12. 

So let’s talk about the other new character who has been introduced: Lady Antonia Bevell. This is something I’m really looking forward to. A woman of letters. A British one as well. Sign me up. I want to know everything about her. And the British MoL. I think this has been mentioned before, that only the American section of the MoL had been wiped out, but Spn is so American-centric that it often forgets there are other countries as well. So it seems like the MoL did some research on Sam & Dean (and weird dude named Cassiel). How long did they do this? They were some mugshots that date down to season 1 after all. And why intervine now? All the other apocalypses weren’t dramatic enough? And it seems also that Toni was just send to the US to kill (or arrest?) the Winchesters and not help them with Amara, as I initially thought. I think Toni even asks at one point if their resources couldn’t be used in a better way. It seems like the MoL did nothing the past years then to sit in their underground chambers and study. And look down on hunters. Who might not have the same knowledge (guess what? share your lore) but at least do something (and might or might not accidently start some apocalypses along the way).  Sure it leads to the question if the Winchesters did more bad than good these past years. They saved many people, the world even, but it was also them who started some of the big catastrophes. Still, it seems as the MoL might be the new big bad for season 12 (yes, please) and I hope Toni is allowed to get some development where she realizes the way hunters do something (actively helping) is the better way and shares her knowledge. Also the fact that she shot Sam kind of rules her out as a love interest, imo. 

Also, Toni’s gun? Looked exactly like Dean’s. Which is a) a way to parallel her to Dean and b) tells us maybe a little something about Dean’s gun. It always looked rather fancy and elegant, so what if it actually was a family heirloom? Dean got it from John and John from Henry who of course was a MoL himself. So maybe it is the traditionell MoL gun? Or Toni and the Winchesters are related? Either way, I hope with the return of the MoL we will learn more about John’s family.

Speaking of family: that’s what it is all about. The way to stop the world from ending? Just a family therapy session. In a way it was nice to see that the final solution wasn’t about destruction, but forgiving and letting go and that it was Dean starting it. That it didn’t end in another tragic sacrifice. Still… Dean’s connection to Amara, their bond, the one thing the show reminded us about again and again and again… wasn’t crucial. At least it didn’t feel like that for me. Dean’s speech? While it was touching and obviously what Amara needed to hear I didn’t feel this was about Dean. Who as it turned out was just a stand in for what she really wanted: her brother back. Who turned out to be a nice guy after all? The last episodes painted a picture of God as someone you shouldn’t trust and honestly I would have liked the twist with God to be revealed as the ultimate big bad. And the show did change our perspective of Amara in a way that we could symmpathise with her. I dunno. Amara and God left the building without any consequences for the world, so the whole plot feels kinda redundant. 

Soooooooooo, let’s talk a bit about the Winchesters. Which now officially includes Castiel, I guess (*whispers* we always counted you as one). This episode was a lot about letting go and accepting choices. There wasn’t a stupid codepedent Winchesters move (the reason Toni was there in the first place), instead we saw the brothers act in a rather healthy and mature way. Which was unexpected but good to see. While Sam didn’t like the idea of Dean sacrificing himself he didn’t try to talk him out of it, and neither did Cas. We have seen this new approach of Sam already regarding Cas and Lucifer. He tried to see the bigger picture and accept Cas’s choice. And he did the same thing with Dean. He knew that Dean’s sacrifice was neccessary. And Dean kinda tried to do the same thing. We saw him accepting Sam’s choice to take the MoC in 11x22. And in his conversation with Cas he didn’t judge him, but instead thanked him for his help, and tried to convince that his sacrifice wasn’t in vain, regardless his feelings. Because we know that Dean didn’t approve of Cas’s choice. And yet, he doesn’t bring it up. Instead he thanks Cas and reminds him of his value within their family. And just… this was so important. It was clear Dean wanted a moment alone to talk to Cas. I think it is also important to notice Dean said Cas was “the best friend _we_ ever had” and “ _our_ brother”. Dean included Sam. This conversation was about family, not Dean’s personal feelings regarding Cas. Also the hug in the graveyard? And it was Cas initiating it. Because it was Cas who needed it. Cas who needed a proper goodbye of his best friend. And just the look on Dean’s face… kill me now. 

So I think all of this Winchesters trying a new way, trying to let go of each other in a healthy way, is what led to Dean’s decesion to talk to Amara instead of using the bomb (and the fact that she knew immidiately). If the brothers can learn to let each other go dean can learn that there other ways to save the world then sacrificing yourself. So Dean’s speech wasn’t just about finding a peacefull way to save the world, but also about his will to live, to find a way to survive. And of course Amara’s and Chuck’s relationship served as a mirror for the Winchesters. Amara couldn’t accept that God had created other beings. She was jealous, afraid she wasn’t enough and that he would love them more. And for a long time it has been the same with the Winchesters, who couldn’t include anybody else in their life. But now they did. Cas became a natural part of their family. Dean told Cas about how he and his brother become so invested in each other they forgot about him. And he feels guilty about it, knowing it was Cas who has been always been there for them. Amara understood that God’s creation didn’t lessen his love for her. Just as Sam and Dean realized that it is okay to have/dream about a life outside their little world. 

And last but not least: MARY! Ok, we already knew she would come back somehow, and I actually thought that Amara would bring her back, though in a way to get him on her side. Instead it is a parting gift. And just… this makes me so exiting. Is she real? Will she stay? What does she remember? How will she react to her sons becoming hunters? How will she react to Cas? This makes all my fan fiction dreams come true. I hope we will explore her character a bit more, that she gets a bit more complex and complicated. And hunter! Mary. 

So while I somehow expected more the finale left my curious for season 12, in regards to the MoL and Mary. And you know, my true otp, Winchesters & character development.

See you in October ;)


	36. “That’s my girl.” – A closer look at season 10 & 11 and their feminist approach

**“That’s my girl.” – A closer look at season 10 & 11 and their feminist approach**

Let’s put it like this: the relationship between “Supernatural” and its female characters is a complicated one. After all, this is a show that had two women fridged by the end of its very first episode, one of them already within the first five minutes. Some of the problem comes also from the discrepancy of what the show/TPTB/PR think it is (a show about guys watched by guys) and what it actually is (a show about guys watched by mostly women). A great example of this is the episode 5x09, where the brothers end up at a “Supernatural” convention, where the audience looks like this:

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1556%26pid%3D1726376%23top_display_media&t=ZGM2ODgzZWM3NzBiMzgwM2Q2M2YyNmVmZTY1ZWEyOWRhNjg3ZjZiNixzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

A room full of guys. As opposed to how an actually “Supernatural” convention looks like: 

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Flindsaywarren.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F10%2F11%2Fcelebrating-my-favorite-tv-show-one-more-time-part-one%2F&t=M2I3MGViM2U2ZjJjOWNhNWE3MDAxYzhlYjg4YWY0YjIxYjhmOTUxYixzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

Of course then again the relationship between the female audience and the female characters is a complicated one as well. And that is because it is simply not enough to add female characters to the show. Not if all the main characters (Sam, Dean, Castiel, Bobby, Crowley) are still all male (and white). Not if in the first years all female characters seemed to end up in one of three categories: antagonist (Meg, Lilith, Ruby, Bela etc), love interest (Lisa, Jo, almost every female victim of the motw-episodes) or mom characters (Ellen, Linda, Jody to some degree). And certainly not if almost all of them end up dead, dying a violent death, and the only characters who ever been brought back to life are yet again male (Sam, Dean, Castiel).

That is of course until the Carver era, especially season 10 and 11. And while there is still a lot to improve, it seems as lately they are heading into the right direction. It is after all the second half of season 11 that made me feel slightly optimist in regards to “Supernatural” and feminism, and inspired me to take a closer look at the season 11 and season 8 to 10 by comparison.

Now, first of all have some cold hard facts. I looked at each season (season 8 to 11 that is) and the respective episodes and examined how many female characters there are overall, how many of them died and how many episodes passed the Bechdel test ([https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FBechdel_test&t=NzZhMmM3YTc5YTU5MmRkNTNmZWM0ZjU1NTlkZGIyZDY5YzQwYmU5NixzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1) ). Now, don’t nail me down on these numbers, as I only counted the female characters that were important for the episode and there is of course also some room for discussion regarding the Bechdel test.

****  
The amount of female characters is steady, always somewhere between 42 and 47. With 23 episodes each it is an average of 2 female characters per episode. The amount of dead female characters is somewhere between 29% (season 10) and 45% (season 11). What was the most interesting aspect to me though was the amount of episodes that had passed the Bechdel test. While both season 8 and 9 only had 6 episodes (a little more than a quarter of the whole season), we had 16 episodes in season 10 (69% of the season) and still 11 episodes in season 11 (47% of the season). It is also worth mentioning that in season 10 we had the first 11 episodes in a row passing the Bechdel test.  


And while we are at it, let’s take a closer look who wrote the most episodes passing the Bechdel test:

-          Robbie Thompson: 8 episodes (no surprise)

-          Brad Bucker & Eugenie Ross-Lemming: 7 episodes (big surprise)

-          Robert Berens, Adam Glass, Andrew Dabb, Eric Charmelo & Nicole Snyder: 5 episodes

-          Jenny Klein, Nancy Won: 2 episodes

-          Jeremy Carver: 1 episode

Of course you have to consider that Carver as a showrunner only wrote 2 episodes per season and is overall responsible for big plot decisions (like, let’s say, killing off a female fan favourite). Berens and Charmelo/Snyder both joined at season 9, whereas Glass left after season 10. And Nancy Won only wrote in season 11, so you have to consider that from a total of 3 episodes 2 passed the test.

Now while these are interesting facts, they do tell little about the quality of each season. While season 10 seems to be outstanding regarding each category (most female characters, least dead female characters, and most episodes that passed the Bechdel test), the season was overshadowed by two significant character deaths: Amelia Novak (another dead mother) and most of all Charlie Bradbury. Especially Charlie’s death had been regarded as one of the most painful to watch. Charlie had been both the only recurring queer character and a positive representation of a fan (as opposed to Becky’s character), and therefore in extension a representation of the audience itself. And it wasn’t her death itself but the manner in which her character was killed. Let’s say having a queer woman get killed by a guy strongly associated with the Nazis, in a way that is full of plotholes and disrespectful to a character described as a genius, that has prior to that survived a lot more, isn’t the most sensitive thing to do. Especially as it seemed to be the only way the writers thought Dean could submit to his dark side. It’s lazy writing and overall a classic example of getting a character getting fridged. And it is the reason a great part of the fandom had been disappointed in the season and its feminist approach, after it had such a good start.

Season 10 gave us a lot of great feminist moments/episodes. In 10x04 we explored the difficult relationship between two sisters. In 10x08 we saw Jody and Donna hunting together, the first female hunting duo, as opposed to Sam and Dean. We had the introduction of Rowena, and with her the introduction of the Grand Coven, an all female based organisation, that we know has been hunted down by the Men of Letters (and with them recurring in season 12 as big bad it is possible we see the Grand Coven return as well). The show brought back Claire Novak and explored her complicated relationship with Castiel. And of course we had the gift that was 10x05. If Charlie was the new, more positive version of a fan (girl) as opposed to Becky, than 10x05 set right what 5x09 got wrong. Not only where all of the “Supernatural” fans here female, they were also teenagers. And that is important because there is a lot to say about [teenage girls and what they like](http://sarahreesbrennan.tumblr.com/post/26494533273/tw-mention-of-self-harm-as-soon-as-teenage). Not only did 10x05 put the focus on teenage girls, it made them the heroes, who might have taught Sam and Dean a lesson as well. It painted a more accurate picture of the average audience, and more so it told us they are proud of us. 

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DFile%3A200eppromopic.jpg&t=YTEzZmRjYjI3NjY4ZDc0NjdmYzhjYzE4MGMxNTcxNzc5NTlhOWZjZSxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

It is also worth mentioning that 10x05 featured a queer couple, Siobhan and Kristen, which makes along with Charlie three queer female characters in season 10. A lot of the female characters existed on their own, neither being a love interest, mom character or antagonist. Instead of becoming part of the Winchester’s story, the brothers became a part of their stories. With Claire the show added a new dynamic, portraying a father-daughter-relationship. Charlie, Donna and Jody are hunters themselves. They are Sam and Dean’s friends, without getting sexualized or out in the love interest category. 

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1700%26pid%3D1895285%23top_display_media&t=ODIwNjRjNjMzY2VmN2VkNDcxZWNhNjNjOTFlMTkxZDQzMjcyY2ViZSxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1688%26pid%3D1863232%23top_display_media&t=OTAzZWU3MDRmZjMyY2JhZTIyYWQyMGZlNjgzNGQyZjkyNjgzMWNlMSxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

And while Rowena is a mom character, she certainly contradicts the image of a loving and caring mother, who would do anything for their child, which had been the only one the show so far had allowed. No, Rowena thought of her child as a burden, a weakness, something that would have hold her back in fulfilling her dreams. She said so herself, she considers herself a career woman. And while Rowena might be an extreme example, the show breaks away from the image of the perfect mother (Jody, as a struggling working mother, might be a less extreme example).

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1690%26pid%3D1867884%23top_display_media&t=NTMwYjY3YmNkMmRlOTZmMTI5MmI4YjY2MTNkYTNmM2VhNmE3YzcwMCxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

So let’s take a look at season 11. It continued a lot of the feministic themes of season 10, added a few new ones and ended with one of the most positive season finales. While the female body count is the highest during the Carver era it is worth mentioning that two of the woman who died in the season had been brought back (Rowena and Deputy Jan Harris in 11x20), along of course with Mary Winchester. The only death of a significant recurring female character was that of Hannah in 10x02 (though at the time she appeared in a male vessel, she is still counted as a woman, as she has been coded as female all along). It was disappointing to see that that had seemed to be the only way to write her character out of the show.

With Rowena, Amara and Billie we had three major players played by women. Even the king of hell appeared shortly as a woman, seemingly disinterested in genders and their labels. 

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1729%26pid%3D1982211%23top_display_media&t=MGM4YmI3YmZkYWVlODZhMDI1NTM1YzA0ZGE5NGMzOGU2YjU4MDU3NyxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

We have been introduced to two women of letters (Delphine in 11x14 and Lady Toni in 11x23) and one potential woman of letter/legacy, Eileen (11x11).

Speaking of Eileen, she of course marks the first time a disabled woman appeared on the show. And with Mildred (also 11x11) we had an elder woman, whose appearance wasn’t intended as a joke. Both played significant roles in destroying the banshee.

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1717%26pid%3D1942812%23top_display_media&t=ZWNlOTllMjQyYTMzODM4OGYyZWRlMjQ1MDAxNDE1NDZhNTcyMWU3NixzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

Both Donna and Jody recurred (sadly not together). We learned that Jody found a new family, continuing the theme of chosen families. And just as Donna and Jody worked as an opposite to Sam and Dean, Jody and her two (adopted) daughters (Alex and Claire) work as an opposite to John and his sons. But it’s not only the contrast between family by blood vs family by choice. Where John put his job as a hunter first and neglected his sons, Jody puts the two girls in her care first (while also being badass at her job). Whereas the brothers learned to repress their feelings, Jody encourages her girls to open up to her, and tries to support them. Jody and her family represent a positive (all female) new image of a family, as opposed to the toxic bond between the brothers (which has been slowly starting to break apart towards the end of the season). 

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1718%26pid%3D1945220%23top_display_media&t=Y2FhMzVkNGQ5ODczYjJlZGJhNmFiNjllYmFhYjUyODg5ZWRjNDQyOSxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

The two female characters with the most screentime have been Amara and Rowena. Fortunately Rowena’s storyline hasn’t been tied as much to Crowley’s as in season 10; she becomes more and more her own character. And though the Grand Coven (and dear Olivette) didn’t return, the idea of a coven recurred. In 11x03 Rowena tried to start her own coven, and later in 11x22 though not a coven we saw the witches working together to help defeat Amara. It leaves the impression that witches prefer working together, and that because of this Rowena longs to be in a coven again. Like I speculated before with the return of the Men of Letters it would make sense to bring the Grand Coven back as well, and with that to explore this all female organization a bit more. 

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1709%26pid%3D1916946%23top_display_media&t=YWEzMzJkMjNkNzU1YWU4OGVjNjdmMWRjOWEzZWU5ODc3YzM0M2U2ZCxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

On a more personal level the show revealed more about Rowena’s past, which in the present explained her fascination with and downfall by Lucifer. In 11x10 Rowena was forced to tell her son why she hated him so much.

> _I hate you, because when I look into your eyes I see the woman I used to be, before magic, before the coven… when I was nothing but Rowena, the tanner’s daughter… a pale, scared little girl, who smelled of filth and death. I hate you, because when you were born, your father said he loved me, then he went back to his grand wife and his grand house, whilst I lay pathetic and half dead on a straw mat… my thighs slick with blood. I hate you, because if I didn’t, I’d love you. But love… love is weakness. And I’ll never be weak again._

Her response paints an image other then the one we saw so far, that of an independent and strong woman, who is the exact opposite of the loving and caring mother stereotype. Rowena used to be a woman in love, she used to trust a man, until her trust was betrayed, leaving her nearly dying. The woman we know, the one who turned her back on her child to dedicate her life to magic and witchcraft instead, is the result of that. Love is weakness, she said. And it’s not as if she isn’t capable to love someone – she simply decided not to. Because it would have made her weak. And yet, she does it again. While love might be a bit much, it is clear she is fascinated by Lucifer, enough to help, and more importantly, to trust him. And again her trust is betrayed, because Lucifer kills her. Rowena, the great witch, was born because the woman Rowena had put her trust and love in the wrong person. At the time it had seemed like tragic irony that the powerful witch should find her end because she was repeating this mistake. More so, it left a bad taste in the mouth, seeing yet another woman dying a violent death, killed by a man she trusted, and who in return had only used her for her powers. It had written abusive relationship in big red letters all over it.

But then something happened we haven’t seen before in 11 seasons: a female character was brought back from the dead (in a none-ghost, none-zombie way).  That’s a huge deal, and it gets even better, because Rowena wasn’t brought back by any deity but because of her own powers and intelligence. She did learn from her past, she was aware of the dangers she had put herself into and took precautions. And of course it made sense that after this she turned over to the most powerful woman in the world, offering Amara her help.

Something else that should be noted about Rowena: while she started out as an antagonist the lines by now have begun to blur. Of course she is still dangerous, but still she had helped out the Winchesters a few times. She only did it because she was either forced or because it had helped her own interests. But by now Rowena is at the same time a threat and an ally (similar like her son). She is neither good or bad and therefore one of the most complex female characters the show has produced.

The same can be said about the Darkness aka Amara. It is not the first time the show used a woman as a big bad (Meg, Ava, Bela, Lilith, Ruby, Eve, Naomi, Abaddon), but unlike before the show didn’t go the simply route and portrayed her as a monster. Instead the show made room for Amara to tell her side of the story (and in response made Chuck look highly unsympathetic). And while it didn’t excuse her actions, we understood where she was coming from, and why she acted the way she did. Therefore it made sense that unlike any other female villain, she wasn’t killed in the end, but rather found her peace, with the help of Dean. Dean who chose a different way than before: instead of the stereotypical masculine fighting he tried to talk to Amara, asking her maybe for the first time what she really wants. And love, the thing Rowena described as weakness, was what saved the day.

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1707%26pid%3D1911269%23top_display_media&t=MDA3MGQzNTlmZmQ5ZmUxZGQ4OTEzMGE3MjNiMDFiZTA0NmY3YTU0OCxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

Amara in many ways has been the original repressed woman. She has been literary locked away for millenniums. In that regard it made sense that the majority of her victims in the first episodes had been repressed women as well. In 11x02 we learned that Jenna was queer, why also being brought up in a very religious household. While it wasn’t outright stated it was implied that that was a big conflict in her life, that resulted in her killing her grandmother as a first act after Amara had consumed her soul. In 11x05 Amara had chosen Sydney as one of her victims, who without a soul killed everyone she thought had wronged her. And in 11x06 young Goldie tried to kill her strict mother, after Amara had taken away her soul.

Therefore it is also interesting to see Amara’s fascination with Dean. Dean in many ways has been associated with the feminine. And just like Amara and her female victims Dean had been repressed repeatedly, especially emotionally. And in some ways this was also caused by the absence of his mother in his life. And so Mary is not only the thing Dean wanted the most to return to his life, but what he needs the most.

Consequently season 11 ends with the most radical feminist act, by undoing the original sin of the show: Mary Winchester comes back to life. The woman, who has been reduced to a memory and the character who has been probably idolized the most, is finally back, in the flesh, to become her own character.

The end of season 11 is perhaps one of the most promising ones in years, in terms of a rather hopeful resolution but also from a feminist point of view. The big bad of the season, Amara, hasn’t been demonized, but rather had been given the chance to tell her story and got what she really wanted: her family back. With Lady Toni Bevell another female character has been introduced, more importantly a woman of letters, which still seems to be a rarity in an organisation mostly ruled by men. Though she starts out as an antagonist I hope her character will become more complex over the course of the next season, and that she might starts to question the leaders of and the decisions made by the Men of Letters. And she is yet another working mom, and with that the theme of motherhood can be portayed from many different angles (Lady Toni, Mary, Rowena, Jody possibly). And of course Mary Winchester will add a new female perspective to the story, and according to the promo material released by now her role won’t be reduced to that of a mother but we will see her as a hunter as well. 

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1729%26pid%3D1981284%23top_display_media&t=M2U2NmQ3NTAzYmMyZDM4MGM4MTUwZjQwMDg1MzM3ZTNmMjkxZjNlNixzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

([Source](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fscreencapped.net%2Ftv%2Fsupernatural%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D1729%26pid%3D1984006%23top_display_media&t=ODk2ZjE2NGZkMjQwZWYxZTMxMjgwZjkxOTAxZmIxNDdmZjQwOTIxYyxzbTlCb1hydQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AmZ74xsg2zq_qvub1chY1lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fnerdylittleshit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150460422342%2Fthats-my-girl-a-closer-look-at-season-10&m=1))

At least the events of the season finale can be attributed to Andrew Dabb, the writer of the episode and the showrunner for season 12. Of course it can be only speculated at which point Dabb slowly started to take over as a showrunner, and how much of the shows latest decisions have been made by him. He did co-write 11x15 and 11x17, which could imply he was already responsible for the last quarter of the season. Either way I’m looking forward to season 12 and I have confidence in Dabb, and the way women will be written in the future of this show.  


End file.
